


Memories of Yesterday

by bright73



Category: Young Riders
Genre: Character Study, Drama Adventure, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-09-30
Updated: 2000-09-30
Packaged: 2017-10-22 00:04:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 71,688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/231389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bright73/pseuds/bright73
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In 1861, Lou married Jimmy and moved on from the Pony Express. Until Jimmy died, she led a perfectly happy life. Then all came crumbling down around her. Grief-stricken she goes back to Rock Creek with more than one secret in her luggage.</p><p>In Rock Creek she reunites with her old family, her past. But will her past also become her future? Or will the man she left behind remain a memory of yesterday?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Robbie Williams' She's the One http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVaRHJn_dgM&feature=related
> 
> I was her, she was me  
> we were one, we were free  
> and if there's somebody calling me on,  
> she's the one  
> If there's somebody calling me on,  
> she's the one  
> We were young, we were wrong  
> we were fine all along  
> if there's somebody calling me on,  
> she's the one  
> When you get to where you wanna go  
> and you know the things you wanna know  
> you're smiling  
> when you've said what you wanna and say  
> and you know the way you wanna play  
> you'll be so high you'll be flying  
> Thou' the sea will be strong and the wind carry on  
> coz' if there's somebody calling me on,  
> she's the one  
> If there's somebody calling me on,  
> she's the one

Louise closed her eyes and rested her head up against the hard bench of the stagecoach. This was one of the worst trips she had ever taken but she needed to get away from the memories, the memories of her husband shot in the back at the saloon while playing cards. Dead before she got the chance to cradle him in her lap and tell him all she wanted to tell him. He tried so hard to shield her from the dangers, living with a notorious man, had brought. But the fame had caught up with him six months ago and taken him from her. She could not stay in the town that claimed her husband any longer, she had to get away. Her daughter of fifteen sat at her side, leaning up against her. Louise brushed the hair from her beautiful daughter's face. Jolene was such a sweetheart. She was going to Rock Creek, to Rachel, who had married and had children of her own. She knew Kid was living there too, with a wife and three kids. Louise smiled sadly and wondered what her life would have been like if she had chosen Kid and not Jimmy so many years ago? Deep inside Lou wondered if Kid still loved her, he had been so hurt back then when she had told him she was going to marry Jimmy. The pain in his eyes had haunted her for a couple of years. Now she needed to see what his life had turned out to be? Her life had been hard, having to move from town to town, never settling down because trouble always found Jimmy. But she had chosen that years ago and she wouldn't have changed a day. Except of course, that faithful day when a coward's bullet took her husband away from her.

Lou turned her head and looked out on the plains to divert her thoughts from the pain that severed her every time she thought about what had happened. She forced herself to think about Rachel's last letter instead, the plea for her to come back to Rock Creek and rest up. Lou had gratefully accepted, but the closer the day of their departure, she became more hesitant on the rightness of her decision. Sitting here right now, she was not sure how she would react to seeing all the familiar faces and surroundings. She clutched the bag with all her belongings closer to her heart. She had sold almost everything, only some memorabilia and clothes were left, she was starting a new life for her and her daughter. Where, she still didn't know. The stagecoach driver shouted "Rock Creek!"

Lou found her lips trembling as her daughter woke up and rubbed her eyes. Jolene turned to her and asked; "Ma is this it?" Lou nodded and fought the tears that welled in her eyes.

"Ma, it'll be fine." Her daughter tried to cheer her up. Lou immediately felt ashamed that she forced her daughter to be strong one in this new situation, that was not fair on her.  
"Of course it will, sweetheart," Lou mumbled and pulled her daughter close into a hug. "I'm not sad honey, it's just that seeing this old place stirs up a lot of memories."

"Here's where you and Dad got married right?"

"Yes," Lou mumbled and stroke her daughter's hair. "Here's where a lot of things happened."

 

 

 

Rachel looked as radiant as ever. Louise blinked twice at the sight of her with a chubby three year old in her arms. The girl at her side seemed about Jolene's age. Rachel rushed to their side with tears running down her face as Louise and Jolene stepped down. Louise had to swallow her tears once again at the sight of a man coming up and taking the baby from Rachel's arms to enable the woman to embrace the newcomer. "Oh God Lou, I'm so sorry for your loss but I'll do everything in my power to help you through this."

Lou hugged the older women back while Jolene tugged at her sleeve to be introduced. Rachel turned to the girl and enfolded her in her arms, "Your Ma's told me everything about you and she's right, you look so much like her."

Louise smiled and cast a glance at the man holding the baby. Matthew was the schoolteacher and Rachel's husband of fourteen years. "Rachel, you never told me about this fellow here," Lou scolded her friend, tickling the boy in the man's arms.

"Oh, he ain't mine," Rachel giggled. "I'm just watching him since his mother is occupied with the newspaper. I told her to come get him as soon as she spotted the stagecoach. She outta be here any second now."

"Who?" Jolene asked.

"Celia, Kid's wife."

Lou looked at the little boy again, now she knew why he had seemed so familiar, those blue eyes were the Kid's. "Uh," Lou said, fighting hard to get her composure back. She had not been expecting this so suddenly. Everything seemed to be cast upon her all at once.

"Kid's coming himself," Matthew said and waved to a man walking down the street. Lou was afraid to divert her eyes in that direction. Would he be angry at her, hurt at her decision so many years ago? Would he still be hostile towards her? She had broken his heart and she wondered if he ever got completely over it? Standing about being here right now seemed to bring her back fifteen years, to all those unresolved feelings and questions she had back then. Now they seemed to return with full force. Afraid to meet the hurt in Kid's eyes, she looked at her daughter instead, smiling reassuringly at her. Her daughter's brown eyes met her own, mirroring the confusion both felt at the moment.

"Hi ya Lou!" Kid picked up speed as he walked towards them. With a chuckle he corrected himself; "Excuse me, I mean Louise, it's definitely Louise."

She dared not look at him as he took her into his arms and swirled her around. "Good to have you back!"

Lou finally lifted her eyes to look at him. He still looked the same, the hair was longer, curling over the collar of his jacket and he had a beard stubble, otherwise he was still the same. Only the eyes were different from the last time she'd seen the Kid. Last time they had looked at her, they had been full of hurt and humiliation. Now they were twinkling of joy overlaying that seriousness and stability lodged deep within. She'd always remember his eyes, that mixture of tenderness and pride, shifting easily from playfulness to reflections of deep thought. Those eyes were still the same, now mirroring her, like they used to so very long ago. He looked straight at her and she wanted to cry. She watched him turn to Jolene and take her hand. "You're such a pretty young lady," he said and kissed her daughter's cheek. "I'm so sorry about your Pa, once him and me were best friends, you know. I could tell you a couple of stories -."

"Spare the poor girl your stories," a voice rang out from behind Lou. Kid turned and his eyes softened into a look of radiant tenderness and pride. Lou's heart sank at the revelation of his love for the voice behind her. That love used to be hers.

"Meet Celia O'Day, my wife and the mother of this towns worst rascals!"

"Watch it Gabe," the woman laughed, "if I don't recall entirely wrong, they're yours too!"

"Gabe?" Jolene asked in total confusion. She had never heard her mother mention any Gabe?

"He never told you his name did he?" Celia said with a smile. "I think it's cute and he's convinced it's the worst name possible on any living creature."

Lou stared at the woman in front of her. She was slightly younger than Lou and had long golden hair that fell over her shoulders. Her eyes were greenish and she had a black ink-spot on her forehead. She was nowhere close to what Lou had expected. She smiled at the boy in Matthew's arms before she turned and devoted her attention to the newcomers.

"Jolene? Nice to make your acquaintance." The woman smiled at her daughter and Lou realized there was pure warmth in that smile. Jolene met the woman's gaze with approval. Jolene instinctively either liked or disliked persons. This woman she liked.

Celia extended a hand to Lou. "Nice to meet you Louise, I've heard a lot about you."

Kid stepped up to his wife and laid an arm over her shoulders. Then he smiled and whispered something in her ear. Celia looked embarrassed as she frenetically tried to rub the ink-stain from the forehead. She gave the Kid a murdering glance and Kid chuckled happily.

"Dearest Gabriel, you're so sweet to point that out. Huh, Gabie boy?"

Kid groaned theatrically and took the boy from Matthew's arms. The little boy giggled in delight and tucked his head under his father's chin, the tiny arms encircling Kid's neck. Lou felt a twinge of pain at the sight.

"As I said, he hates that name." Celia laughed at the face of her husband when he shot her a dismayed glance. With a mischievous grin, she turned to Lou. "Well Louise, meet Gabriel Esaiah O'Day, but don't worry, everybody still calls him Kid. Few have the privilege to call him Gabe."

"And does she ever use that privilege," Kid moaned in feigned desperation.

Rachel let up a pearly laugh and enfolded both Lou and Jolene in her arms. "Let's go to our place, I've invited Celia and Kid to dinner. Thought we'd all have a lot of catching up to do. Is that fine with you two?"

Louise nodded and turned to follow in Rachel's stride. Seeing the Kid had stirred up a lot of feelings in her, mostly bewilderment. She had somehow figured he's still be pining over her. But he wasn't, the gaze she remembered was now directed at the woman called Celia. And that hurt in an odd manner. She would never have admitted to wishing he would still love her like he used to, fifteen years ago, but the knowledge that he had moved on, hurt. She had figured their meeting so differently, she had hoped he still held some kind of feelings towards her. Any kind. Now when he looked at her there was only a sense of a distant friendship from old times. That made her feel so insignificant.

"I'll go get those daughters of mine," Kid said and handed the little boy over to his mother. "Be back in an instant, don't start without me," he said as he kissed Celia on the cheek. Lou looked away, their affection hurt her since she knew that Jimmy wasn't around any longer and would never be. It hurt more than she was willing to admit.

Matthew talked to a boy and arranged for their luggage to be carried to Rachel's and his house. Then he bowed in Jolene's direction and offered her his arm. Jolene blushed and hooked her arm with his.

 

 

Rachel saw the look on Lou's face and shot Celia a warning glance. Celia acknowledged the warning and nodded to confirm she had understood. They would restrain from any display of affection in respect of the woman's grief. Celia watched the woman Kid had confessed to loving so many years ago. She was very beautiful, radiant in a way. Ashamed Celia realized that she would never be able to compete with Louise McCloud-Hickok in that department. Kid had never said much about her appearance but she understood now that he must have found her irresistible. Celia would have given anything to have those chocolate brown eyes and that long shiny hair. Briefly she wondered how this would turn out? Would the man she had shared the last ten years with return to his former love? What would happen to her then? She would not stay around to have that happen to her all over again. She'd leave before she was left, she had made herself that promise a long time ago. Long before she ever stumbled upon a confederate Army scout on a battlefield. That promise was too old to ever be broken. It had kept her alive on countless occasions and she would not break it. Not for anybody. Celia bit her lip at the thought and Rachel threw her a glance.

"You okay, Sis?"

"Fine," the woman said and Lou cast a glance in Rachel's direction.

"Sis?"

"That's what we're called around here, somehow people thought we were sisters." Rachel laughed amused. "When Kid came back from the war everybody kept asking me if Kid was marrying my sister. I had no idea what they were talking about until I met her and things got straightened out."

Celia laughed embarrassed at their side. Lou understood absolutely nothing and cast a glance in the woman's direction while keeping Jolene under supervision as they walked. Jolene seemed perfectly at ease with her arm hooked around Matthew's.

"It's a long story," Celia said with an apologetic smile at Lou. "And not very interesting either."

Matthew chuckled. "That's not what the townspeople thought at the time! They told everybody they were brother and sister at first and then she became Rachel's sister and Kid was only accompanying her to her sister. They had this slight disagreement with a landowner they worked for when he found out them not being sister and brother. Kid cocked up a story that she was Rachel's sister instead and they had to get Celia here because her sister was in dire straits for money. The man felt so bad about it, he doubled her salary. Brother, was that man mad when he found out, a minister and all! Of course, like that they could travel and slee.... "

Celia placed an elbow firmly against Matthew's ribs.

"...stay together as they traveled across the country," Matthew chuckled and pinched Celia's chin in a fatherly manner.

Now Celia shot Matthew a warning glance. "I paid the man back! I didn't mean to lie like that, and besides I always wanted a sister!"

"It was hilarious all the same," Matthew chuckled. "I'll never forget when reverend Arnold asked Rachel when her sister was comin'. Had no idea they knew each other, did you?" Matthew cast Celia a bemused smirk. Lucky for you, Rachel has a poker-face and a vivid imagination."

"I personally didn't find the sermon Rachel gave us the leastest hilarious," Celia smirked in the strawberry blonde woman's direction.

"You deserved it!" Rachel smirked back. "Spring surprises on people like that! Downright bad for one's health! I hadn't seen Kid for years and the reverend tells me he was bringing my sister? I didn't know which one had gone out of their minds! I'm tellin' you, I expected Kid to turn up fit for the asylum."

Jolene giggled at the friendly banter between the three. Louise felt so out of place. All these folk shared something she had left behind years ago. They were still some kind of family, the family she had turned down to marry Jimmy. She had never really thought about it until now, when she was cast into the middle of it. Their lives had gone on without her and they had formed new bonds. Bonds Louise and her daughter were not a part of and Louise feared they never would be. There was too much lost history between them to ever make that happen. Binding took time and effort and she had not been around and now she felt too tired and disillusioned to start anew. Since Jimmy's death, Louise had felt so lonely and lost, now she felt completely alone even surrounded by old friends. Rachel noticed the shift in Lou and hugged her while they walked. "It'll be fine Lou. Just give it time. Everything will work out just fine, you'll see."

 

 

They arrived at a large house at the outskirts of town. It was a two-story building with a large garden. A girl ran up to them when they approached. Rachel smiled in Jolene's direction; "Meet my oldest! This is your cousin Hannah, Jolene. She'll be fourteen in a week." Winking in Lou's direction Rachel laughed, "she told me to say that. It seems most important of all to become older. If she only knew what's expecting her!"

"Ma!" Hannah grumbled and twitched nervously. "You're still treating me as if I were five!"

"Like my Ma does," Jolene groaned at Lou's side.

The two girls smiled at each other and obviously liked what they saw. Hannah extended Jolene a hand. "I'll show you our room, we're gonna share it as long as you stay."

"We get to share a room?" Jolene asked.

"I'll show you!"

With one last glance at her mother, Jolene ran after Hannah to inspect the housing arrangements. Lou sighed in relief, thirteen was difficult age and she had been worrying how all this would effect Jolene. But her daughter seemed to take much better than she herself did. The place was not filled with old painful memories for her. This was a place filled with possibilities for Jolene.

"They're gonna be fine Lou," Rachel comforted her, "you'll all be fine." Turning to her husband she told him to go fetch the boy from the shed. "He's probably in destroying something of value," Rachel smirked. "Will's just gotten the idea to become a carpenter but the wood ain't agreeing with him. When he becomes too much to handle, we send him to Kid and Celia's. The ranch always calms him down."

Lou had to smile at Rachel's face of weariness. In her letters she had complained about Will's stubbornness and persistence in pursuing the oddest interests. The word 'ranch' hang around the air. Lou remembered her and Kid talking about starting a ranch. It had been in their plans for the future before everything changed. But he had done it without her. Neither Rachel nor Lou had ever discussed Kid much in their infrequent letters to each other. Now everything came as a shock.  
"They got a ranch?" Lou asked casually.

"Uh huh," Rachel nodded, "ol' Kid's become quite a wealthy man. They started this farm eight years ago and now it's running itself. Kid and Celia hired the best people they found and they're doing great. With Sis starting the newspaper, they're really made it for themselves." Rachel smiled. "But they deserve it, they had some dog-years before it all took off. They worked day and night, both of them. They sure deserve taking it a bit easier."

Lou watched the woman standing outside the gate, talking to her son that was trying to get some cherries from the tree. His mother lifted him up so he was able to reach them. The boy handed his mother a bright red berry and hugged her. Lou watched the woman's face and understood how immensely happy she was. When Kid walked down the street holding two lovely girls by their hands and grinned at his wife, Lou felt a hard knot form in her chest. He was happy in a way she had never expected, she had always thought he'd still be hers in some way. That they would be connected by the memories even after all these long years. When he kissed his wife and the girls showed her the drawings they carried, she understood she had been nourishing a dream. Kid had indeed moved on, forming the family he always dreamed of. Only difference was that she wasn't part of it as they had planned.

The ache for her husband was making her fists clench, Jimmy should have been here at her side right now. With all his love and support, everything would be different. She wished they'd all see the happiness, no bliss, they had shared. Now that he was gone, she felt empty inside. Seeing Kid and his wife only accentuated her loneliness. One of the girls peeked shyly behind her mother's dress. Kid took her hand and walked up to Lou.

"She's been admiring you ever since she found out you rode for the Pony Express, Louise Hickok, meet Emily O'Day, the number one admirer of yours," Kid chuckled and Lou cringed at the expression 'number one admirer of yours-' Kid didn't realize it but it hurt her deeply. Yes, she was flattered that a girl admired her but she'd rather have Jimmy around looking at her the way Kid looked at his wife. She'd rather have love than admiration.

 

 

Kid noticed a shadow run over Lou's face and wrinkled his brow. Lou forced herself to snap out of her misery. "Nice to meet you Emily, but don't believe everything your father's told you."

"I swear I haven't told her anything, she just found the picture we took at Jimmy's and your wedding and she's been pestering me for stories ever since."

"You still got that picture?"

"Sure I do, it's part of my old family." Kid said and smiled. That smile of his sent a beam of hope into her heart. The old Kid used to smile like that to her, that warm smile that she still remembered after all these years. "Come on we better get inside before Noah finishes off Rachel's cherries!"

"Noah?" Lou asked and looked at the little boy struggling to get out of his mother's hold. "You named him Noah?"

But Kid's attention had turned to his family. He walked away and took the little boy into his arms and tickled him to get him away from the cherries. Rachel watched Lou's face as a thousand memories seemed to mingle in her eyes.  
"Come on in Lou, rest up a bit while we make dinner. You must be so tired from your trip, it'll be better tomorrow.

Lou swallowed hard and wondered how much Rachel knew. Everything had come so suddenly and the tears she had been holding back ever since Jimmy's death kept pushing to be released. But there was no time or place for tears right now. She had to stay strong, for herself and for her daughter. Everything depended on her strength right now. And it took all her willpower to keep on going, like she felt she had to. The past might creep up on her any moment and she had to keep it at bay.

Whatever it took, she had to stay strong and do what she intended to, what Jimmy had told her to do.


	2. Chapter 2

Lou sank onto the bed Rachel had prepared. Every bone in her body seemed to ache from the trip. When she rested her head on the pillow, she could still feel the movements of the stagecoach. Her daughter giggled in the adjoining room with the energy of a fifteen year old. Lou smiled and remembered when she was that age, at that point, nothing seemed too hard to handle. Now everything was different. Jimmy should have been here with her and not buried and gone. She missed him so intensely, his strong arms around her during the cold nights, his presence in everyday life. How would she ever survive without him? The anguish that seared through her body at the memory of him and the love they shared, made her gulp for air. Having to go down and face the people downstairs seemed too much of an ordeal right now. They all had each other and the bond between them all was so discerning. The bonds in her life had been severely severed the day Jimmy left this world, and now there was only her and Jolene. Her siblings were all grown up and she had no idea where they were right now. The last letter she wrote to Theresa had returned with the grim mark "return to sender - address unknown". Lou now damned herself that she hadn't pursued in her search of her sister, but truth be told, they had not been that close. After Theresa and Jeremiah got adopted by a family, she found it safer to leave them alone. They would be better off without her. Never did she think that there might come a day when she would need them. She had relied on Jimmy and his love to see them through everything. And he had seen them trough, until he was taken away. Lou turned to her side and hugged the pillow.  
"Jimmy, I miss you so much, honey. You should be here with me, we could start all over. I wish I'd be able to walk down those stairs and find you sitting in the parlor, chatting with Kid and Rachel like we used to in the days of the Pony Express."   
She buried her head in the pillow and felt more tired than ever before. It seemed her life was over. All she had was memories of yesterday.

 

 _Lou looked down on her white wedding-dress, it was the most beautiful dress she'd ever seen in her life. At the altar stood the man she was about to marry. He looked so handsome and solemn. Both of them knowing they had shocked plenty of people by deciding to get married, they raised their heads high as the music started and Lou walked alongside Teaspoon to be given away. In the corner of her eyes, she saw Kid sneak in to the church. For a moment she was afraid he would try to stop the wedding somehow, but then she realized Kid would not do that. She refused to look at him even for a moment. When she had told him about her and Jimmy's wedding two weeks ago, he had looked at her with shock and disbelief, like she was telling him an outrageous joke of some kind. It wasn't until Jimmy confirmed her news it finally seemed to sink in, leaving him staring at them with both rejection and pain. His best friend and the woman he loved were getting married. The suspicions he had held were proven right and he must have felt like she spit on his honor and morals. He had just turned and walked away and never spoke to them again. The night Jimmy and she had made love had changed everything, it had just happened and the result had been that she had to make a choice fast. Knowing Kid's morals, she had turned to Jimmy for advice, how could she tell Kid about this child? Not knowing if it was his or Jimmy's? When she told Jimmy she was pregnant, he fell down to his knees and asked her to marry him. The relief Lou had felt that moment was unspeakable. She wasn't alone and she wasn't being judged. The gratitude had her forget about the Kid as she willingly promised Jimmy to be his wife. They had kept it quiet for the time and planned everything in silence. Kid must have suspected something was up but still left her alone. She had wondered why he was so calm about the fact that she spent a lot of time with Jimmy. He must have been convinced she loved him and trusted her. That had felt so bad but at the time, she saw no other alternative. When she finally got enough courage to face the Kid, she had done it with Jimmy at her side. They spilled the beans only three days before the small wedding they had planned. The wedding nobody knew about. The hurt and shock in Kid's eyes had made Lou bite her lip. It was one of the worst choices she had been forced to make in her entire life. But she loved Jimmy too and she would be his wife. But Kid would always stay in that special place in her heart. He had been her first real love and she would always remember him and guard that memory._

 _Jimmy glanced at the figure sneaking into the church, he had not expected to Kid to show up either. Lou smiled reassuringly at her husband to be, everything will be fine Jimmy, her eyes told him. Jimmy smiled back as she stepped right up at his side. Right where she belonged._

 _When Jimmy kissed her, her knees wobbled, laughing she dragged him out on the steps to kiss him again. The soldiers formed a group outside the church. With a glance at Jimmy, Lou ran to them. Kneeling down she saw the sergeant hold a boy cradled in his lap. Lou reached out a hand to touch the dying boy, when the sergeant looked at her and revealed the soldier's identity she saw Jimmy dying alone among strangers._

"NO!" Lou screamed and rose to a sitting position. Bewildered she looked around the room and realized it had been one of her frequent nightmares. Only altered to fit the circumstances. Panting she laid her head back on the pillow. When would the dreams of Jimmy's death stop haunting her every time she closed her eyes? She felt cool air caress her face. On shaking knees she walked to the open window where the curtains fluttered in the evening breeze. Resting her cheek on the cold glass, she tried to calm down and get back her grip on reality. Her eyes fell on the woman standing on the patio, leaning on the post and looking over the neatly kept garden. Lou wondered what Kid's wife was like? The woman stood silently looking out over the garden, seemingly lost in her own thoughts. The door opened and steps traversed the wooden pavement. Then they stopped. The woman did not turn around but Lou knew she had recognized Kid's steps, just as she had.

"Is he still sleeping?" Kid asked.

"Uh huh," the woman confirmed but still did not turn.

Kid started walking again and appeared from behind the corner. Walking up to his wife, he tenderly wrapped his arms around her. "What's wrong, angel?"

"Nothing."

"You tired?"

Celia turned in Kid's arms to face him. Lou could not tell about the expression on Kid's face, but Celia's showed trepidation. "I'm fine, Kid."

"Angel, every once in a while you can let that guard down. Something's bothering you and you know I can tell." Kid said as he leaned his brow on Celia's and tried to look into her eyes. Celia bowed her head to avoid his gaze.

"You never told me how beautiful she is!"

"Who? Lou?" Kid jerked his head back to look at the woman in his arms. "You jealous? That'll be the day!"

Celia squirmed in his hold. "Who said I'm jealous?"

"You just did," Kid laughed. "Honey, sometimes you're so stupid. Why would I call Lou beautiful when I have an angel at my side."

"Stop joshing around Kid, I need to know if you still love her?"

"Phew, you sure are something else. I haven't seen her in fifteen years! I love you stupid, no-one else. But I think I gotta flirt a little with her if it gets you this riled up. You're so beautiful when you're angry."

Celia swatted Kid's upper arm "Shut up, you fool!"

Kid pulled her closer to his chest. "See what I mean?" he asked in a husky voice. "I love it when you get riled up like this. All firey and fit to be tied."

"Shut up," Celia laughed and rested her head on his shoulder.

Lou had to look away when Kid entwined his fingers in Celia's hair and leaned in to kiss his wife. Seeing them together brought memories, painful memories, back. If she hadn't married Jimmy, she would be standing there with Kid right now. She would not be a widow, everything would be different. She longed to be in Jimmy's arms, she longed to be loved. But she had to push those feelings back and concentrate on her daughter's happiness. There was nothing more important at this stage. She had been granted fifteen wonderful years but now they were over and there was no turning back. She should be thankful that she had ever been loved the way she had been loved by Jimmy. But the bitterness slowly filled her, she did not like the woman in Kid's arms. What had Celia done to deserve all this love when she herself had lost it so suddenly? Why did Jimmy have to die while Kid was still around? Why did the two of them seem so happy? She had expected something else. In her mind Kid's wife had always been an ordinary woman that Kid kept at his side for comfort, not for love. At least that would have made everything easier.

She glanced out the open window again. They were still entwined, kissing each other. Lou would have given everything to be out there with Jimmy. Not able to look any longer, she turned and walked out of the room to see if Rachel needed some help. Lou felt she needed something to do before the bitterness that started to fill her, took over her completely.   
"Jimmy, honey, help me through this," she whispered before she turned the knob and stepped out.

 

 

Rachel was setting the table when Lou stepped down the stairs. Her daughter was helping her, Jolene seemed happy and Lou exhaled in relief. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all? The girls giggled at Kid's youngest daughter, Sarah's, frenetic tries to fold a napkin. Emily mercilessly teased her younger sibling while Rachel tried to hush them all. It seemed like a normal routine in the household, Lou blinked and imagined Jimmy sitting in the chair reading the newspaper, just like Matthew was. Will was carving some wood, eagerly showing it to his father every once in a while. Matthew chuckled happily at the sight and and gave some much needed advice. Nobody even noticed her come down the stairs. She had to walk right up to the table before anybody noticed her.   
_Jimmy always knew the instant I stepped into a room,_ Lou thought and felt the lump grow in her throat.

"You okay, Lou?" Rachel asked at the sight of a teary Lou.

"I'll be fine," Lou promised and sat down by Sarah's side. "I'll help you, sweetheart."

The girl smiled at her and Lou looked right into replicas of Celia's blue-green eyes. The resemblance had Lou smile sadly. Just another reminder of what could have been.

"We're almost done, somebody - Matthew go get Celia and Kid." Rachel nudged her husband as she walked past him to the stove. "Will, put that knife down while you still have some fingers left and Hannah please, would you check on Noah?"

"He's up," Kid informed as he came down the stairs, carrying his son over the shoulder, "cranky like he..."

"Kid," Celia warned lightly, "cranky like what?"

"Like the old mare we got back home," Kid said sheepishly while putting the boy down on his feet.

"I hope you don't mean me," Celia remarked and bent to take the boy's hand. Kid was left standing with a silly grin on his face.

Lou noticed Celia's disarrayed hair and remembered the kiss on the patio.

"Look what I made!" Sarah squealed and lifted the folded napkin up in the air for her mother to see.

"Beautiful, sweetheart," Celia smiled and kissed her daughter.

"She forgot to tell you Missis Louise helped her!" Emily pointed out, sore that she wasn't the center of attention.

"You're beautiful too Em," Celia said, stroking her 9-year old daughter's hair. "But what did I tell you about envy?"

Emily pouted her lips and Kid ruffled her hair. Lou had to look away in embarrassment. It seemed like Celia's words were directed at her. She peered at the couple seating themselves at the table, arranging for their kids. The familiarity of their moves brought memories back of Jimmy and her when Jolene was just a tiny baby. The comforting routines they had adopted to care for their baby girl. She had found it hard and tiresome to care for the young child back then, now she wished she could step right back into that time and relive it once again.   
Seeing Kid brought Jimmy back with full force and Lou had no idea how long she would be able to take this without falling apart.

When all were seated Matthew raised his glass; "A toast to welcome our new family-members."

"Hear-hear," all said and lifted their glasses.

Lou smiled with trembling lips. She was afraid they'd ask her something and she knew her voice would not bear and she'd start crying. Noah saved her from an emotional outburst. Doing like the grown-ups, he lifted his glass and tilted it enough to spill part of the milk right on the linen tablecloth before anybody had time to stop him. Celia started laughing and Kid chuckled himself as he hurried to cover the damage with a napkin.

"Sorry Rachel," Kid said with an apologetic smile.

"Your family is a disaster, you know that, don't you?" Rachel said good-naturedly as she rose to help Kid clean the mess.

"Gettin' worse everyday," Celia said, peering at Kid. The look they exchanged was like a knife right through Lou's heart. It was so filled with belonging, a belonging she had lost from her life the day Jimmy died. When Kid sat back down, she knew exactly what he did, he took Celia's hand under the table, just like he used to do in the bunkhouse. In that instance Lou felt a shudder run right through her. It should have been her and Jimmy sitting there. Loving each other with every breath.

 

 

All through dinner, Lou was scared somebody would bring the past up and cause her to cry. But nobody did, they talked about safe issues, everyday life and imminent plans. Once Kid casually asked Lou where they had been living for the past years since they never came around to visit. Celia noticed the nervous look on Lou's face and interrupted her husband, asking him to pass the bread. By the glance Celia gave the Kid when he turned to her, Lou could tell Celia had understood her unwillingness to discuss the past and was letting Kid know he'd better thread cautiously. Kid just gave Lou a quick inquiring look. Lou found it hard to talk at all. She'd rather stay silent and listen to the others. That way she could pretend that Jimmy sitting next to her, that somebody still loved her that way, like a woman. But she found herself glancing at Celia, wondering what kind of a woman she was? The fact that she had picked up her mood so easily made Lou wonder if she had picked up something else too?

The discussion picked up around her and Lou concentrated on watching her friends and the changes in them. Rachel looked happy and serene. She hadn't given up her teaching and was helping her husband with the smaller children. She had finally gotten the children she wanted and a love in her life. Lou smiled in her friend's direction, Rachel deserved some happiness. She had been through a lot earlier. Getting to know her husband was something Lou looked forward to. Matthew seemed like such a charming man, sometimes he reminded her of Jimmy. As her husband entered her mind again, Lou had to look down on her plate. The wave of longing swept through her again, taking her breath away. At times everything reminded her of Jimmy. And it hurt more than anyone could understand. Celia's laughter made her look up again. Noah was trying to arrange the napkin around his neck like the tie his father was wearing. Kid smiled and tied the napkin around his son's neck. With a giggle Noah started running around the table. Kid just shook his head in desperation over his son's unbridled energy.

Kid, Lou thought, with a tie and a suit! It was Sunday alright, but he'd always hated wearing a tie and fancy clothes. He had changed alright. He was still the handsome man she remembered. The calm in his eyes was the same and Lou could tell his level-headedness had not disappeared. Something else had changed but she couldn't put her finger on it. She wondered who he really was? Did he really love the woman sitting at his side or was he just adapting to social norms? Had he just married the first girl he stumbled over in a desperate trial to get over her? Lou knew he had fought in the war, Rachel had written and told her that. He had been a scout for the Confederate Army. But he had never written to anyone left in Rock Creek. Nobody had any idea of what had happened to him during the war. When had Celia come into his life? Where had they met and how? Who was she? Maybe a poor widowed southern lady that Kid married out of mercy? And then he had learned to love her during the years?   
_'What did I tell you about envy?'_ echoed in Lou's head and she bowed her head in shame. She wanted so desperately what Kid and Celia had, she wanted love and hope for the future. She wanted security in her life and nowadays she experienced only bitterness and hate when she looked into what lay ahead. All she wanted now was turning back to yesterday.


	3. Chapter 3

Celia sat silently at Kid's side when they drove home. She was wondering about the woman that had turned up in their lives. The woman that had broken Kid's heart. Feeling uneasy about the whole situation, she peered at her husband. He turned and smiled at her. But Celia knew he was friendly with anybody and maybe that smile just covered his thoughts, his thoughts about Lou's return. She sensed he was thinking about something but she was afraid to ask if it was Lou that occupied his mind. Kid must have read her thoughts because he took her hand and squeezed it tenderly.   
"I was just thinking how much she has changed..."

"Haven't we all?" Celia inquired quietly, hoping not to do or say something to make the Kid clam up.

"But some of us have changed to the better," Kid leered at her.

Celia couldn't help but laugh, the first time Kid had laid his eyes on her, she had been a sight to behold. Covered in ashes and dirt, she had pointed a gun on a man she thought was another Union soldier out to get her. She had hardly even resembled a human being at that point. But she vividly remembered the intense blue eyes that gazed into hers over the ash-covered battle field and instilled an immediate calm in her. A calm that was so contradictive, with the gunshots and the sound of roaring fire still echoing in her ears, she had stared into a pair of blue emphatic eyes and had known she'd be alright.

"Don't remind me," Celia shrugged at the thought of how she must have looked.

"I thought I had stumbled upon a dark angel," Kid chuckled and Celia frowned. She still considered their first meeting something of a miracle. Kid wasn't supposed to be in that area and she was supposed to be out nursing soldier ten miles away. What had made her take a detour and turn up at the remains of another raid on civilians? What had made Kid stop and look at the devastation the Union soldiers had left behind? So far behind enemy lines? He had risked his life unnecessarily by staying behind the way he did. What had made her snap out of her terror and point the gun on the man? She would have been safer playing dead, what had possessed her to react to the sound of boots coming her way?

"You know finding you there must have been a sign," Kid said softly and brushed a stray hair away from her face. "Don't you know that?"

Celia nodded and hid her face in her husband's warmth. "I know - but she came back, Kid! Maybe she came back for you?"

"Angel, she never wanted me in the first place, why should she want me now?"

"Because she has a daughter and is alone?" Celia mumbled into the coat. _Because anybody that wouldn't want you must be out of their minds!_

"It's plain as a day that you don't know Lou," Kid comforted her. "She's just back to visit her old friends. And I don't think I fall into that category. She'll stay with Rachel, I don't even think she wanted so see me. I feel like we intruded tonight. Didn't you see how awkward I made her feel?"

Celia looked at her husband, was he that blind? Or was he just afraid to see?

"What?" Kid asked as she gazed at him.

"I don't know Kid, I just have this eerie feeling that everything will change."

Kid smiled at the woman he had devoted his life to. A woman that had shown him so much, things he hadn't expected to ever find. She was the one that had saved him when he thought everything was lost. His life, the country he loved, the entire future had seemed on the verge of destruction when he walked over the ashes of a burnt homestead and a partly downfallen barn squeaking in the wind. The smoke in the air burning in his eyes, nauseating him. In the chaos something had told him to check the place for survivors. He had known he was on enemy terrain and that every minute he stayed behind endangered his life. Knowing the Cause was lost, he wanted to save lives instead of fighting for honor. All the honor was lost in the war, all he could do now was save some lives, he had felt it like a duty to repay for the lives he had taken during the war. A war that was lost anyhow and had left nothing else but bitterness inside him.

He had been dead tired of everything right then. Kid often wondered if he didn't actually look for death when he wandered around and looked for survivors, he had felt like there was nothing left to lose. Everything seemed so futile, so empty. When he looked into the blue frightened eyes of a young dirt covered woman, he had smiled for the first time in years. The sight of her was imprinted in his mind forever. Something so challenging in those eyes, even though he could tell she was afraid for her life, they still told him she would not give in without a fight. For a split second Kid thought he was about to meet his maker as she raised her gun and pointed it at him. Still, something in those eyes told him that the girl did not have it in her. He knew now that Celia had too much integrity and pride to be pushed around, that she would rather die than be humiliated. But he also knew she shared his same vision of righteousness. That day on the scorched remains of a homestead on the fertile land he so loved, he let go off his own gun and raised his hands in a sign he wasn't going to hurt her. Making the girl curse him and bury her face in the dirt. Kid felt his instincts for caring take over again. They had been buried deep inside of him during the war, just to make him survive. When he lifted the thin girl from the dirt and cleaned her face with his sleeve, he knew he had found somebody to hold on to. He so needed to hold on not to loose his will to live right then. With the canons roaring in the background, they had looked into each other's eyes and found hope for the future. Kid would never in his life forget the sense of peace it brought him. And he would never let go of that, he'd die before he did that.

"Angel, you're just imagining things. Everything will be fine."

His wife looked skeptically at him. Kid knew the look, he couldn't help but chuckle. It was the same look she gave him every time he challenged her. Why would she be threatened by Lou? Lou had turned him down long ago, she never wanted him. Celia was here and that was all that mattered to him right now, didn't she know how strongly he depended on her and needed her? How much he loved her? Now it was up to him to prove it.   
"Angel, I'll do anything not to make things change, just trust me."

"I do honey, I do."

She wrapped her arms around his neck and Kid held her close. He wondered if Jimmy ever had loved Lou the same way he loved Celia. He knew he had never loved anybody like this before, not even Lou. At least he couldn't remember loving Lou like this. This woman was etched into every fiber of his being and she occupied his whole world. Had Jimmy ever had the fortune to love like this? His friend was dead and he was so sorry Jimmy couldn't be around to watch his daughter grow up and care for his family. Jimmy's death was so unfair. Kid had never seen Jimmy or Lou in these fifteen years. But he wished he had, the way they parted had often disturbed Kid's peace of mind. He had turned on his heels and walked out of their lives, never turning back. Never wishing them well. Right there and then he was too hurt to think straight. He would have wanted to talk to Jimmy again and wish him good luck. The same good luck Kid felt he had encountered, but now it was too late. The only thing he could do to ask Jimmy for forgiveness was by helping Lou.

"For Jimmy's sake we gotta help her Angel," Kid whispered in her ear.

"I know, Kid," his wife responded. "We'll do everything we can."

"I love you," Kid mumbled, rubbing his nose against Celia's.

"I hope so," she answered before glancing over his shoulder to ensure herself the kids were sleeping. Then she kissed him on the lips. The intensity had Kid answer her with the same heat while his heart pounded wildly. She was all he ever needed and he wished she'd understand that. Nothing would come between the two of them and their future together.

 

 

As Matthew went to prepare for the coming school day and the children were ordered to study in their rooms, Rachel and Lou sank back onto the settee. They sat in silence for a while. Rachel worried about her friend's tense appearance and nervous manners. But she knew that losing her husband had been a shock. Lou still seemed in shock even after six months. Eyeing her friend, Rachel tried to assess which topics were safe to talk about. Rachel hadn't expected Louise to still be so devastated, her daughter seemed to have adjusted to the new situation far better than Louise herself. Before she had time to ask, Lou looked her straight in the eyes and asked; "How did they meet?"

"Who?" Rachel asked in surprise.

"Kid and Celia, you never told me much in your letters and I didn't quite figure Kid's wife to be - like Celia."

Rachel was surprised by Lou's question but tried not to show it. Louise had never asked about Kid in her letters, in fact Rachel had found it to be strange at first, they had been very close at the end of the Pony Express. That was until that faithful day that Louise and Jimmy announced their upcoming wedding. An announcement that had shocked everybody. An announcement that had Kid leave to fight the war on their wedding day. Rachel remembered the young man's shock and bewilderment mixed with a bitterness that Rachel found chilling. He had locked all the pain inside and never let out any feelings at all. Fearing it was the last she'd ever see of him, she had hugged him when he asked her to take care of Katy for him. Riding out to the war while she knew there was another war roaring inside the young man. It had not promised good. She had cried that night considering him lost forever. Noah died the next day and when Louise and Jimmy left, she felt the family fall apart, she had feared she would never see anybody of them ever again. And in fact, she never saw Jimmy again and she felt the need to know life had treated him good. That the short life he had had had been happy. She had read about him as he became the legend known as Wild Bill Hickok, but she knew it was mostly lies. Looking at Louise, she knew the young woman had loved him with all her heart, Rachel hoped it had been enough.

"They've never told me much, I just know Kid found her on a burnt down homestead that had just been raided by Union soldiers."

"The eternal savior," Lou remarked bitterly. She bit her lip as the words escaped her. She hadn't meant to sound that bitter but the knowledge that she was alone while Kid had a wife he loved made her act in a way she never thought she'd be capable of.   
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound like that. I just remembered him from the old days."

Rachel smiled sadly, recalling the fights Kid and Lou had over certain issues.   
"Well I guess you didn't match after all. I'm glad things worked out like they did. I'm just so sorry we had to lose Jimmy so soon."

Louise shuddered and lowered her head. Rachel put an arm over her shoulders and rocked her slowly. "I'm sorry Lou."

"It's okay Rachel, it's just that every time somebody mentions Jimmy's name - they just don't know the man I knew, Rachel. The things they write about him makes him seem a stranger to me. Not the Jimmy I loved, somebody else and I keep being reminded of what happened. People can't seem to get enough of Wild Bill Hickok but they've forgotten everything about Jimmy. I still wake every morning and wish everything would be different." Lou mumbled and Rachel hugged her comfortingly.

"You wanna talk about it, Lou?"

"There's nothing to talk about! Jimmy's not here any longer and it feels like my life is over too."

Rachel cringed at the bitterness in Lou's voice.

 

 

 

Rachel stood on the patio and looked over the garden. Louise had changed, she had never heard that bitterness in her voice before. And the desperation scared her. She wondered what she could do to help her friend get over her loss and start living again? It seemed that Lou had lost more than a husband, it seemed she had lost her will of living too. And still she had that beautiful daughter to take care of and help grow into a young woman. But the bitterness Lou felt closed her eyes to what she already had. Rachel cringed when she realized where she had seen the same bitterness before, it had been so evident in Kid's eyes the night he rode out to fight the war.   
"Oh God," Rachel exhaled, "did she think Kid would..."

"Kid would what?" Matthew walked up to her and embraced her. "Why are you standing out here alone, talking to yourself?"

Rachel chuckled, "I'm gettin' old and silly, Matthew."

Matthew laughed and turned her around to face him. She looked into her husband's loving eyes and felt her heart ripped in two at the thought of Lou and Jimmy. They had such a short time together, she'd fall apart too if Matthew died. Enfolding him in her arms, she leaned her head onto the strong chest. "We gotta help her through this."

"We will Rachel, we will."

Rachel closed her eyes and let her husband rock her. Her thoughts went to Louise sleeping alone in their guest-room. It was all so wrong, Jimmy should have been right there with them. She missed him too and couldn't begin to imagine how Lou felt. The memories of her late husband, and how she had fallen apart after he had died, came back to her. She was blessed to have found Matthew, so immensely blessed she felt scared that it all would be taken away from her once again. She would do everything in her power to help Louise from hitting rock bottom like she herself had done. Whatever it took, she would help Louise, she owed the memory of Jimmy that.

 

 

 _Jimmy walked towards her with Jolene in his arms, he was laughing and tickling the girl. She opened her arms to enfold them both and Jolene laughed and Jimmy's soulful brown eyes rested on hers. With his strong arms around her, she sighed and rubbed her nose against his chest. The badge pinched her and she growled, Jimmy put his hand under her chin and raised her head to kiss her. Jolene ran on the meadow where they stood as the warm autumn sun scorched the earth around them._

 _"Are you happy, Lou?" Jimmy asked, "really happy?"_

 _"Jimmy, don't you know I would never change a day? I love you and I want us to stay together forever, don't ever let anything change that."_

 _A shot rang out and Jimmy's embrace was lost. He sank to his back and she screamed as she knelt at his side. "Jimmy!"_

 _"I wish..." Jimmy said faintly, "I wish .." He closed his eyes and was gone. Lou shook him violently, "Jimmy don't go Jimmy don't, please." But she realized he was dead already. It had become night and a pale moonlight showered the meadow. Closing his eyes with her fingertips, Lou bent over to kiss her husband good-bye. She did not need to ask what his last wish had been about, she already knew._   
Shivering she stared into the night and realized she was awake. "I'm so sorry Jimmy," she whispered. "I love you forever but I wasn't able to grant you the wish. I'd do everything to rectify that but I can't grant you that wish, it's too late now. I'm so sorry my love."


	4. Chapter 4

"Kid!" Celia was leaning onto the door frame, calling his name. Kid lifted his eyes from the books and looked at her. Dressed in his shirt and old patched pants, Kid had to smile at her, she had probably been out on a ride again. Her hair definitely needed a comb. Kid found her irresistible.   
"They're here," she said with a trembling voice. "And I want to run away."

Kid chuckled and rose from the desk. "You're so nuts, why would you run away? You gotta show them the homestead."

"No, I won't," Celia remarked stubbornly. "I'm hiding in the cellar, I swear to God."

Kid hurried to stop her from putting her threat into action. "Now hold on a minute, we discussed this. Rachel needs a diversion to get Lou's mind off Jimmy. And we need to help them out."

"You help them out," Celia wheezed. "I'll hide. Last time I saw Lou in town she looked at me like a was something the cat dragged in. Just because Noah put some applesauce in my hair."

"You're right, Lou has the faculty to walk in on us on the strangest occasions but you're still the matron, Ma'am." Kid teased the woman he held encircled in his arms. "Tell you what, I'll keep Noah out of trouble and you be the hostess."

"But she doesn't like me Kid, she looks at me like I'm dirt."

"No honey, I think you remind her of how she was a long time ago. She used to be just like you, messy." Kid placed a loud kiss on Celia's cheek.

"Kid!"

"I swear to God." Kid joshed the woman looking at him with disbelief.

"Her? She's such a lady, always fancy dressed and tidy. Look at me, I look like a stable boy and they're two hours early!"

Kid leaned to whisper something in her ear. Celia eyed him skeptically. "You liar!"

The wagon rolled in and stopped right outside the front door. Kid took Celia's hand and dragged her to the hall and towards the door. Before he opened it to let their guests in, he smiled at the woman at his side. "Looking at you like that, one would think we just rolled around in the hay!"

"Damn you Kid, " Celia hissed and shook herself loose. Running into their bedroom with an irritated wheezing sound in his direction. Kid had to laugh at his wife's hurry. With a huge grin still plastered on his face, he opened the door and let Lou and Rachel in.   
"Hello ladies," he greeted them both. "Celia will be ready in a minute, she just had to tidy herself up a bit after..." he silenced himself at Lou's look. Had he seen disapproval? He turned bewildered to Rachel, this was not the Lou he remembered.

Rachel pushed herself past him and walked into the kitchen. Lou nodded and followed. Kid shut the door behind them and his eyes followed Lou. Celia was right, she was perfect. The hair was neatly done and her dress looked very expensive. Sure Lou had always like dresses but he had never seen her look down on anybody in her entire life before. What had happened?

"I'll make some coffee Kid, " Rachel yelled from the kitchen, "you go get some of those apples and have Lou taste the sweetest apples in Rock Creek. Where's Noah?"

Kid was at a loss of words after Louise disapproving look. His eyes still on her back when she walked into the kitchen, his mind whirled with thoughts. Celia stepped out of the room and caught him looking. She froze to her place and Kid diverted his eyes in her direction. Her expression spoke of hurt and fear. Kid wanted to calm her and tell her why he was looking at Lou. But Celia looked away and continued walking towards him, her eyes downcast.

"Go get them apples would you, please," she said as she walked past him.

Kid extended a hand to stop her in her pace. Celia shook herself loose. "Please," she repeated softly. Kid groaned inwardly and turned to do what he was told. He'd explain everything to Celia later, knowing her as well as he knew himself, he recognized the pride in her. The same pride that he himself had to fight occasionally. His wife was the most stubborn person he had ever encountered, including himself. She was hurt but tried to deny it, her pride making her flee the situation instead of confronting it and see reason. Shaking his head at the way Celia escaped from him, hiding her feelings not to impose. It made it hard to get trough to her. Worst thing was that she was right as usual, Lou obviously disapproved of her, he had seen it plain as day. Lou was certainly not the young girl he remembered, she had never let her dislike shine through like this before. What had Celia ever done to her? What gave her that right? The knowledge made Kid angry, who was she to look down on the woman he loved? What had happened to the sweet girl he had intended to marry several years ago?

 

 

Lou felt like sliding under the floor when Kid opened the door. He looked so happy and she realized immediately what he was talking about. The thought of the two of them making love made her cringe. And for Kid to almost spell it out like that made her speechless. Where was the shy boy she remembered? She remembered that face from a couple of occasions herself, was he trying to hurt her by letting her know? Was this his way of getting back to her and humiliate her? She was grateful to escape the situation by following Rachel into the kitchen, this was going to be hard. Feeling Kid's gaze on her back as she walked, she wondered what he was thinking. Was he looking at her like he used to before?

Celia said something to him and Lou slid into the kitchen on trembling knees. Then the front door closed and Celia emerged in the door frame

"I'm sorry," she excused herself. "I rode out with some cider to the boys fishing in the creek and had to tidy up."

 _Sure,_ Lou thought, _so you're that kind of woman, really trying to get me hurt by implicating things instead of spelling them out loud?_ She watched the flushed woman in the doorway. Celia smiled shyly in her direction and Lou felt ashamed. This was the woman Kid had married and it could have been her. _Hold on a minute Lou,_ she thought to herself, _you married Jimmy! And you loved him. But Jimmy ain't here any longer, Kid is._ Lou decisively shut the thought mingling in her head out. It was time to get back to the present and not dwell in the memories of yesterday any longer.

"Noah gone fishing, huh?" Rachel asked while she filled the coffeepot with water.

"Dave's got the day off so they sneaked out to do some fishing. Noah promised he'd bring back enough for dinner," Celia chuckled, "that probably means we'll starve to death."

"Dave?" Lou asked.

"Their foreman," Rachel informed her while Celia gathered some cups from the cupboard. "Matthew promised to bring the girls as soon as school's over.

Lou looked at the woman standing at the table. She seemed to have everything. A husband, children, a large house and probably all the help she wanted anytime she needed it. Lou wondered if she'd ever even had to bother taking care of the children she had brought into the world. She must be spoiled rotten. Their eyes met briefly before Celia turned around to get away from the stare. Lou remain looking at her, wondering why Celia had been bestowed with all this good fortune? What had this woman done to deserve all this? Looking at her, she wasn't the prettiest woman ever. Lou felt smug looking down on her own dress. Even if they were rich Celia did not have the best taste in dresses. She was slightly taller than Lou but seemed to shrivel up every time somebody looked at her. Her hair was in disarray, trying to put it up in a fancy bun had locks fall out of it and down onto her shoulders. Kid had always loved the color of Lou's hair, how come he had ended up with a strawberry blonde?

 

 

The door was opened and Kid walked in. With a glance at his wife, he offered Lou an apple and then set the rest of the apples down on the table. Lou noticed Celia's hands tremble as she set the cups onto the table. Lou watched them both intently, wondering what lay behind Celia's odd behavior. Trying to understand, she looked at the woman to figure the whole thing out. She did not know what to make out of the situation. When Kid turned to his wife, she stepped away from him.   
"I'll go get some cookies from Margaret. She makes the best cookies, after Rachel of course, in Rock Creek." Celia spoke with forced glee. Kid looked concerned at her and Lou wondered more than ever. Maybe this wasn't the happy marriage they let it on to be?

"Angel," Kid started as Celia backed out.

"I'll just be a minute," she promised and walked out.

Rachel and Kid exchanged a look and Lou was more intrigued than ever. Things were certainly not as smooth as they seemed. Rachel asked Kid where the coffee grinder was and he absentmindedly pointed in the general direction.   
"Give her some time, Kid," Rachel mumbled and filled the grinder with beans. Kid looked at Rachel and nodded invisibly. "Maybe you're right."

"Sure I am," Rachel said reassuringly. Lou could tell they were not comfortable with the fact that she was around. She decided to break the tension in the room.   
"So you've become a wealthy man, Kid?"

Kid looked up at her and smiled halfheartedly. "Depends on how you look at it."

"Looks to me like you've done really well for yourself," Lou remarked kindly. "Rachel told me all about it on our way here."

Kid cast Rachel another look.

"I told Lou how you started out with nothing and ended up the biggest horse and cattle owner in the county."

"That ain't exactly the truth now, we're not the biggest ranch here, but we manage."

"You must really have it made, Kid, with all these people to help you out, you can practically sit back and take it easy for the rest of your lives, can't you?"

Lou herself heard the bitterness in her voice. "You've really done good, Kid, from an Express rider to all this. That's really something." Hurrying to re-modulate her voice, she tried to smooth things over. But Kid must have picked up on the envy in her voice. He gave Lou a funny look.

"I better go check on Angel," he mumbled and turned to walk out the door.

Lou was left staring at the closed door. Lou wanted to ask Rachel what was going on but she did not feel she should intrude. But something was definitely not right in this house. Lou didn't know what to feel about the situation. Rachel handed her a knife to peel the apple Kid had given her. Lou was grateful to find something to do.

 

 

Celia ran straight to the stables. Sinking down in the hay, she fought to get her composure back. Lou had brought back the memories of being picked on as a child. With those memories returning the fear from the abandonment on the road a dark night took over, she felt just as scared and alone as that night when she was five and left to die on a cold winter's night. Her body still remembered the fear and reacted with the need to flee the situation. In Lou's eyes, she saw the same scorn as she had seen in the children and the Mother Superior at the orphanage. The same scorn they exhibited before hitting her and calling her names. Belittling her, denying her the right to exist all together. Trembling she sank into the hay and tried to make herself breathe evenly to stop the panic rising in her. It had been so long since the memories had assaulted her like this. Why did it have to happen now that Kid's former love appeared on the scene? Louise must think she was crazy. She couldn't stop shaking. In the hot September air, she felt chilled to the bones. _Damn you,_ she scolded herself, _get a grip, it's not happening, you'll be fine you fool!_

Hearing steps approach, she tried to make herself invisible, wishing to hide herself from the world, the only way she knew to avoid getting targeted. She did not want Kid to think that she was weak and she hated herself for letting this happen right now. She had been able to keep the memories away for so long.

Kid saw his wife huddling in the stall. He wanted to cry at the sight of the old demons haunting her again. Knowing he had to take it slow not to have her flee, he called out her name before he approached her.

"Go away!" Celia growled, "leave me alone!"

Kid stepped in and scooped the trembling form into his lap. "You can't be alone at times like these Angel, you know that. You need me right now even thou' you won't admit it. Running away doesn't help, honey, you know that."

Celia struggled in his lap and Kid knew she hated being seen like this, but he had to help her get over this. When she got hurt and scared, she always turned her back on the world and tried to deal with it in her own way. Always adding to her mistrust and feelings of loneliness. When she instead should turn to him for help. Like she helped him fight the nightmares.   
"Sweetheart, can you talk about it?" He whispered while rocking her gently, trying to get the cold he knew she was feeling, out of her bones. "What happened? Did Lou say something to you, or was it me that caused this?"

"No!" Celia mumbled, "it was nobody's fault, I-I just..."

"You just remembered, I know honey, I know, it can happen. Don't worry. We'll sit here till you're okay again."

At the sound of Kid's voice and the arms around her, the chill finally disappeared and the heartbeat slowed to its normal pace and she was finally able to breathe normally. "I'm so silly Kid, I didn't mean to..."

"I know sweetheart, I know. And believe me, if I could get my hands on the people that did this to you, they'd regret they were ever born."

"You shouldn't have to deal with a crazy woman Kid," Celia mumbled.

Kid tucked her head under his chin. "You're not crazy Angel. God knows if you're crazy then I'm a total lunatic. Don't forget I know what it's like to be hit. Leaving you to die on that trail was ..." Kid couldn't finish the sentence. Every time he thought about the person, her own goddamned mother, that had done that to a little girl it made his blood boil with pure hatred. He'd do anything to take the hurt away, but he couldn't. The only thing he could do was comfort her when things got rough. "I'm here Angel, you're safe."

"I know," Celia sighed and Kid felt tears run down his face. The sensation of being able to comfort the woman he loved always lessened his own pain over what had happened to her. Maybe he couldn't make things undone but he was able to soothe her and bring her calm. She relaxed in his arms and Kid buried his nose into the golden hair and closed his eyes. The two of them was meant to be, there was no question about that.

Celia loosened herself from his embrace. "I'm fine now Kid, let's get back inside."

He watched as she rose and extended him a hand. Taking it he asked if she was sure. With a nod Celia reassured him she would be fine. Kid brushed the hay out of her hair, the panic in her eyes was still lurking, he could tell, but she fought so bravely to keep those demons away. Never wanting to impose on him, she hid the fears deep inside where nobody would detect them. But he knew they were there and he hated the fact that he couldn't make them disappear. He didn't know how to make them disappear. Instead he took her face into his hands and nuzzled her nose with his. The smile she gave him had him take her into his arms again and hug her tightly. His angel gazed back at him and ruffled the hay out of his hair too. Kid kissed her.

Finally a breathless Celia broke loose. "Hey Gabe, we have visitors. We can't just..."

Kid stopped her by placing his lips over hers again. Chuckling Celia turned her head and fought herself loose. "We better get them cookies."

Groaning Kid let her go. "That's so cruel woman, how on earth can you think of cookies at a time like this?"

"Says the one that finished an entire plate last time Margaret baked." Celia grinned at him as she turned and started walking.

Kid smiled and hurried to walk up alongside her. "But at that time I had nothing better to do."   
Celia laughed and hay fell out of her hair. "Hold on a moment, you still have hay all over yourself," Kid scolded her. "We can't walk in like this, you know what a dirty mind Rachel has!" He stopped her and tried his best to get all the hay off her. Celia stood watching him with an amused smile on her lips. When he was done, she leaned in and took a straw of hay from under his collar and stuck it in his hair. "Rachel, huh?"

"You little.." Kid began as she turned and ran out on him. Chuckling he followed in her stride, shaking his head to get the hay to fall out. He had to stop and free himself from the evidence of their whereabouts before he walked on. He caught up with her when she stepped out of their foreman's house with a plate filled with cookies. With an angelic face Celia smiled at him; "Hey Kid, where've you been?"

The elderly woman eerging behind her, shook her head, "I don't know how you put up with him, look at him!" Stepping down from the porch, she freed Kid from the hay on his back with determined hands. Kid felt like a three-years old being scolded. "Only good thing to say about him is that he likes my cookies." Margaret smiled and pinched the Kid's cheek.

The sight of the short rotund woman reaching to pinch her boss had Celia laugh. "You're absolutely right Margaret, we'd have to get rid of him if he didn't." Hooking her arm around Kid's, she snickered at his red earlobes. Margaret always treated the Kid with total disrespect and Kid always took it all.   
"Thanks," she shouted over her shoulder as she steered her husband away.

"Anytime," the good-natured woman said and turned to step back inside.

"I think she's sweet on you," Celia whispered.

Kid rolled his eyes in response.

"Believe me, I should know. I'm sweet on ya!"

"Sometimes I wonder, " Kid shot back. "If you were that sweet on me, we would still be back in the barn."

"Decency is a virtue Kid, remember?"

"That's a word I can't even spell, " Kid chuckled as he pulled her closer while they walked.


	5. Chapter 5

Rachel watched as the two walked towards the house. With a sigh she realized that they were both alright. Knowing Celia's past of experienced neglect and abuse, she wondered what had happened? She had noticed nothing out of the ordinary but she knew Celia was able to pick up the slightest signs. Something must have brought the memories back to her and made her react. Her heart went out to the young woman that had been through so much but never wanted anybody to know. She was fierce in defending others but when it came to defend herself, she ran instead. She had been awkward around women at first but knowing her story, Rachel understood her trepidation perfectly. Having been abandoned to die only get to an orphanage where girls had to adopt callousness and cruelties to survive, Celia had done the opposite instead. She had retracted herself from the world, trying to become invisible and not take any space. Having learned her lesson, Celia never spoke a bad word to anyone behind their backs and she always looked out for anyone that needed help. Occasionally the demons haunted her but Kid knew her story and was able to support her when she needed support. Which wasn't often, she was this amazing mixture of strong and sensitive. Fearless in regards for the well-being of others, she sometimes forgot to look out for herself. Kid and the woman he had married were very much alike in that sense and understood each other perfectly, at least most of the times. Their passion for pursuing what they thought right sometimes brought them both in on a collision course. But one or the other always yielded before the head-on, usually the Kid because Celia just went her own way instead.

Celia balanced a plate with cookies, holding it away from the Kid, who was constantly trying to steal one. Rachel smiled as she imagined their friendly bickering as they walked. The grin on Kid's face telling her he was trying to divert Celia's attention from the plate. The bemused expression on Celia's telling Rachel she had already figured his intentions out a long time ago. When the door opened and they stepped in, Rachel extended a hand to give Celia's cheek a caress, letting her know everything was fine and hoping Celia was too. Nowadays she didn't flinch when Rachel tried to show her affection. Their eyes met and Rachel took the plate from her hand.   
"I guess Kid's eaten half the plate already?"

"Had to turn back an' get a new load," Celia giggled, "finished the first off halfway back to the house. He can't have any more."

"She's lying, Rachel, I didn't even get one!" Kid protested and looked distinctly hurt.

"Poor baby," Rachel remarked calmly and turned to get the plate into the kitchen and finally serve the coffee. A hand emerged and snatched itself a cookie. "I saw that!" Rachel declared.

"Wasn't me, it was her."

"Right," Rachel sighed as she stepped in to the sunny kitchen. Lou was sitting at the table and looked at her as she stepped in.

"With all this fuss about those cookies they must be to die for," she smiled. Rachel was taken aback as she, for the first time, saw a glimpse of the old Lou she remembered.

"They are," Celia informed her and went to take the coffeepot off the stove. "Dave says he gets sick if he can't have at least one a day. Calls 'em addictive."

"I second that and furthermore I feel obliged to inform you that this little witch keeps me away from them. It just ain't fair." Kid complained throwing himself onto the chair at the end of the table. Putting on his best face of a respectable citizen with righteous demands, he awaited for somebody to listen to his predicament and help him out of it. "Angel?"

Rachel just curled her upper lip slightly at his complaints, Celia pushed the plate further away from him. Kid looked at her, looking like a five year old being unjustly treated. Celia gave in and stuffed two cookies into the outstretched hand. Kid flashed her a knowing grin. It seemed like a game they were playing, excluding everybody else.

Lou smiled sadly, she missed the debates they used to have back in the bunkhouse. The friendly squabbling around the table at dinnertime. The last months before coming to Rock Creek she and Jolene had dined alone and Jimmy's empty chair had constantly reminded them about what was missing. It felt good to be part of an extended family once again. But at the same time, it hurt to see what she had lost by making the choice she had made fifteen years ago. _I didn't mean it like that Jimmy, you know I didn't. I just wish you could be here with me. You should be here sweetheart, coz' I don't think I can do this without you._ Feeling ashamed over her own thoughts, she excused herself in her thoughts. Would she ever be able to go through an entire day without thinking about Jimmy? Without longing for him so much the pain sometimes had her breathless. _Oh God Jimmy, I don't think I've ever needed you as much as I do now.  
_  
"Dave's comin'" Rachel remarked looking out the window. "Looks like they've gotten a lot of fish this time."

Celia groaned and Lou turned to look at her.

"I hate fish," Celia said with a shy smile in her direction.

Clearly the woman was wary of her and Lou felt like Celia had read her thoughts earlier. Maybe she saw right through her? Lou found herself wondering about the woman that had married Kid more and more. Who was she and what was going on beneath the surface of this happy marriage? Did Kid really love this woman like he used to love her? Did Kid feel he had to go for second best? Had he married her because of his need to protect and finally having found somebody who needed that protection? Was this a marriage built upon love or convention?

"Poor baby," Kid chuckled from his chair, playfully pinching his wife's chin.

"Oh shut up, " Celia leered at her husband.

Louise would have given anything to be able to have the same conversation with Jimmy.

 

 

When the children and Matthew arrived, Kid gathered the guests and showed them the homestead while Celia and Rachel remain in the house to prepare dinner. Jolene was walking with her arm on Matthew's and looked happy to finally be among a large family, she fit right in. It had always been just the three of them before, due to Jimmy's fear of surprise attacks on his family. They had lead a shielded life and now Jolene thrived in the midst of all these children that looked up to her for her fine dresses and city-manners.

 _For Jolene's sake, I have to stay on for a little longer,_ Lou thought to herself, _I need to give my daughter these memories._ Hannah took Kid's arm and he turned to offer Lou the left side. Trembling Lou took the offer. She had not been walking with a man like this in public since she remembered. Jimmy always felt it was safer for her to be shielded and not seen in public too much, at least not by his side. And Lou had abided his request. Fearing for Jolene more than for herself. Having children always changed everything.

The younger children ran ahead and Noah was fetched by Celia the moment she realized their youngest had escaped. The smile Kid sent his wife as she sighed and bent down to take the little escape artist into her lap, tore at Lou's heart. Lou looked at the woman once again and wondered if she knew how lucky she was? Celia avoided her gaze. Lou figured she must know she wasn't Kid's first choice and felt awkward around her for that reason. _Maybe he married you,_ Lou thought watching the woman take the boy back into the house, _but he loved me first!_ The knowledge that she had chosen Jimmy over Kid instead of Kid choosing Celia over her, gave Lou the feeling of having the upper hand. She smiled and squeezed Kid's arm when they started walking. Kid turned his head and answered the smile. Lou felt a familiar warmth spread in her body, a warmth she hadn't felt in such a long time. Too long a time. Kid wasn't resentful of her, Jimmy had been right all along. Even if she would never love Kid the way she loved Jimmy, he still was safe. He was the Kid, she had known him and yes, even loved him in a way. So long ago, when life seemed so easy. She too had died in a way the day Jimmy did. Now it was time to start living again.

 

 

"You okay Sis?" Rachel asked while they prepared the dinner. Noah was playing with wooden blocks in the corner of the room.

"I'm fine Rachel, I...I'm sorry for running out like that earlier, it was really stupid of me."

Rachel gave Celia the potatoes to clean while she prepared the fish. "What happened?" Rachel had been standing with her back to the two and had no idea what had brought the memories back to her friend.

"I don't know, please Rachel, I don't wanna talk about it."

"Okay, just - whenever you feel like talkin', you know where I am."

"I know, thanks Rachel." Celia peered at her and Rachel knew she wouldn't tell. Bur Rachel sensed she must have picked up on Lou's odd attitude towards her. Rachel sighed thinking about the changes in Lou. She would never have looked down her nose at anybody before but now it seemed different. Or maybe she had just chosen not to see it before? Maybe Lou always had been this way? No, that wasn't right. Lou had been fair to everyone, except maybe the Kid. But that was when she was forced into a travesty, playing a role that she wasn't. She hid her uncertainty behind hostility towards other women. And it was perfectly understandable back then. The girl she considered her daughter had changed so much. And she had no idea how to help Lou get back to her old self.

"How's Lou," Celia inquired like having read her thoughts. "Is she coping?"

"Oh Sis," Rachel sighed, "there's something so different about her, I don't know what to do about it. She's not happy and it seems she's not even trying."

"Did you talk to her about it?"

"I can't. I can't tell her she's rubbing people the wrong way and giving herself a hard time by doing so. How can I? I love her like a daughter and I can't hurt her feelings. It's like she's shut everything and everybody out of that neat shell she's hiding in."

"It's only been six moths, maybe she just needs more time to adjust?"

"I don't think so. When we talk, she just talks about the past, it's like she can't see her own future. It feels like she has too much unresolved issues in the past to get past it."

"Kid being one of those issues?" Celia remarked softly.

Rachel turned to look at her friend. "Yes," she admitted, "you picked that up, didn't you?"

Celia nodded.

"I don't know why but it seems that ..."

"She thinks Kid still loves her?" Celia filled in.

"At least that he still pines for her."

"Oh," Celia said and turned back to the potatoes.

"And I don't know what it will do to her when she realizes that Kid moved on ages ago. Maybe if she sees the two of you together she'll understand that. I don't know what to say or do any longer. Maybe Kid'll finally make her face reality?"

"Maybe," Celia nodded and diverted her eyes to watch the sunshine outside the window. _Or maybe Lou'll have Kid change his mind?_ Celia shrugged at the thought. Louise was a beautiful woman, who wouldn't want her? She herself had nothing to compete with. If Kid's choice would fall on Louise, there would be nothing she could do about it. She had learned a long time ago that there was nothing to save you from being cast aside, nothing to do to hold on to love. No blood-bonds and certainly not a simple wedding ring. There was no way to capture the love of somebody and then keep it, nothing would ensure that love remained forever. The only love she could be sure of was her own love for her husband and the children they had brought into this world. Everything else was out of her control. The sound of rolling apples had her turn around promptly. Noah stood at the table with an empty basket in his hands, the apples rolling around on the floor.   
"Ma?" he said in a tiny voice.

Celia hurried to catch the apples that came rolling her way. "Noah! You're still too small to reach the basket. Why didn't you ask and I would have given you one?"

"I'm big!" Noah pouted, looking so much like his father that Celia's heart melted.

"Of course you are honey, but in this case maybe not big enough, right?" Celia knelt by her son's side and took the basket from him, laying it on the floor. "Now we have to catch all these runaway apples, will you help me?"

"Yeah Ma," Noah giggled and crawled under the table to get to them.

"Watch your head!" Celia warned taking the apples her son handed her.

Rachel smiled at the scene, this was the way it was supposed to be. She prayed Lou would find the same happiness as the family she was surrounded with, had found. If she'd only start looking.

 

 

Jolene ran to the horses on the pasture; "Ma, look! A horse like Pa's!" There was this palomino mare grazing in the warm sunshine. Lou blinked a tear away thinking about Jimmy who always kept palomino's. From Sundancer on it had always been the kind of horse he preferred.

"Stuck to the same kind did he?" Kid asked with half a smile.

"Yes," Lou answered silently. Kid looked at her from the side and nodded. "I'm so sorry for your loss, Lou. I haven't had the chance to tell you that but I wish I could have met Jimmy and told him...told you both everything is forgotten. I wish I had the chance to tell him that, like I'm telling you."

"You wanna go ridin'?" Hanna asked while she ran up to her new friend patting the horse.

"You do not have the clothes to go riding, girls, you'll have to come back another day to frolic," Matthew reminded them both.

"Can we?" Jolene turned to watch the man and her mother standing still, watching them.

"Sure," Kid answered. "I hope you Ma and Pa taught you how to ride. Wouldn't wanna go worryin' while you're out storming over the plains."

Jolene giggled; "I'm practically born on the horseback."

Kid turned to Lou and raised his left eyebrow.

"Slight exaggeration," Lou admitted.

"Come on Jolene, I'll show you my favorite horse, you too Pa. She's got the prettiest colt you've ever seen. Kid's promised I can ride her when she grows up!" Hannah was tugging at her father's hand. Matthew had no other alternative that follow the exuberant girls. Emily and Sarah were hot on their heels as they started for the meadows further below where the mares and the foals grazed.

Kid and Lou were left alone and Kid let go off her arm like he was afraid what would happen if he kept holding her. Lou smiled, it was like she had expected, he still had feelings for her. Even after fifteen years, she still stirred up feelings in him and that felt good. She was still somebody. Now if she could only feel the same, things might change, but there was always...

"Children," Kid said and shook his head smiling. "Where do they get all that energy?"

She looked at him, his utterance breaking her thoughts. "Don't you remember when you were young, everything seemed possible and the world was yours to conquer."

Kid turned to watch her. "I like the present a lot better, riding day in and day out wasn't that fun after all."

"No, but we did share some good times in between the riding thou'." Lou felt like treading on unstable ground, she needed to know what Kid was thinking but hesitated to ask him straight out.

"Oh you mean the food fights and the eternal squabbles?" Kid asked with a low chuckle. "Yeah, I remember them."

"That and more," Lou said and took another step onto the shaky terrain. This wasn't exactly where she wanted the discussion to go but remembering Kid, she knew it would be pointless to try forcing him to say what he wasn't ready to say. He threw her an insecure look and Lou knew that fifteen years had not changed the Kid that much after all. Smiling she saw a glimpse of the future before her eyes, when Kid found out, there might be some changes. _Jimmy, you were right after all. You need not worry any longer, everything will be fine._

"Are we just gonna stand here waiting for them to return or will you show me the place?" Hooking her arm around the Kid's, she started walking towards the yard and the stables surrounded with corrals. "Come on, let me see what you've got here."

Kid followed without a word and Lou would have given anything to know what he was thinking. What he was thinking about her.


	6. Chapter 6

Lou turned and tossed in her bed. With all that had happened this day, she found it difficult to fall asleep. The eerie moonlight fell on her face and kept her awake. She wished Jimmy would be here to tell her if what she was about to do was right, she wasn't so sure about it any longer. Should she tell him of should she take her belongings and move on into an unsure future? The moment Kid got to know, he would provide for her, she knew that. But was that what she wanted? Really? If those men she had testified against came to know about her whereabouts, everyone was in danger. Including Kid. _Why do I keep considering him? There's Jolene and Rachel and Matthew that's in far greater danger than the Kid._ But Kid might turn out to be the answers to her prayers. If she just found the right time to tell him. It never seemed to be the right instance for letting him know what he had a right to know. _I'll tell him Jimmy, I promised you I would and I will. I just don't know when. Facing him alone is so hard, if you were here with me it would be much easier._   
"But then you wouldn't have to tell him," she told herself and buried her face into the soft pillow. As always, Jimmy was in her mind when she drifted to sleep.

 _Jimmy wandered into the parlor and ruffled her hair. "Lou, wanna go out for dinner tonight?"_

 _"I made your favorite, Jimmy, roastbeef! It'll have to be another night, Jolene helped and all. She's gonna be such a lady soon. She's growing up fast, Jimmy!"_

 _"I know," Jimmy smiled and kissed her fully on the mouth. "One of these days she's gonna fall in love and get married and leave us old ones behind."_

 _"Jimmy, she's ten," Lou laughed. "I think we have a couple of years left with her."_

 _"How old were you, Lou?" He stood back and held his hand under her chin, "you weren't much older yourself."_

 _"Don't remind me Jimmy, gosh, I can't think of the day she leaves us. I can't begin to imagine our lives different in any ways."_

 _She felt Jimmy stiffen and knew he was thinking about the life he led. "Jimmy, we're gonna be fine. I told everything was gonna be fine. You don't have to worry about anything, I love you."_

 _"I love you too Lou, but you know what you need if something happens, don't you? Promise me you won't forget." Whispering the words into her ear, she felt a cold chill. "Jimmy, hush, nothing will happen. Don't talk like that."_

 _"Honey, tell me you'll do what we talked about."_

 _"I will Jimmy, I will, just hold me. Don't say those words, don't."_

 _Jimmy's arms encircled her and she hugged him close to her heart. The fear was always lurking around the corner, any day something might happen. Jimmy's fame kept them on their toes. Just like the fact that he was Jimmy and he was hers kept her on hers. He was a ladies man and she was immensely happy he had chosen her when he could have had anyone. Even the famous women that sought his company. She never wanted to lose him, holding on to him, she lifted her head to kiss him. "I love you Jimmy."_

 _His eyes glittered the answer. He lifted her up in his strong arms and carried her away, telling her dinner would have to wait a while. When he kissed her demandingly, she gave him all she had to give and would continue to do so all her life. She knew that and she thrived on the sense of femininity it brought her. He took and she was there to be taken._

Lou smiled in her sleep.

 

 

Kid woke by the sensation of something missing. Turning to his left, he searched for his wife, he was immediately awake when he realized she wasn't there. "Angel?"   
He called out but nobody answered. He laid back to listen for sounds, maybe one of the kids felt bad? But the house was silent. Looking out the window, he saw the pale moon that lighted up the room, making the furniture cast odd shadows on the floor.   
Where was she? He listened for sounds from upstairs where the girls slept, but heard nothing. Turning his attention to the room next door, where Noah slept, he couldn't sense any movement in there either. With a wrinkled brow, he got out of bed and stepped out of the room and looked in the direction of the kitchen, no sign of life there either. Opening the door to his son's room, he saw nothing but his son curled up under the blanket in the tiny bed. One tiny hand holding a stuffed animal was visible from under the quilt and a light snoring sound reached his ears, telling him all was fine.   
The floor was covered with wooden blocks and if anybody would step in there, chances were that an occasional curse would escape the intruder. He had stepped on those damned blocks himself on several occasions and it hurt. He shook his head at the usual mess in Noah's room and traversed the hall and peeked into the kitchen, it was empty as he had suspected. Stepping into the parlor, he saw his wife stand by the window and look at the new moon outside. Standing perfectly still, she gazed out the window with a soft smile on her face. The moonlight highlighted her hair and covered her in a haze. She was his angel alright. His tension disappeared the moment his eyes fell on her, as long as she was around, he needed nothing else. She was the one.   
"What are you doin' up?" he asked.

Celia turned to watch him; "what are _**you**_ doin' up?"

"I wasn't up before," Kid clarified and walked over to her. "The bed got cold."

Celia smiled. "It's ninety degrees outside and your bed gets cold?"

"Our bed gets cold anytime you're not in it. What are you doing up in the middle of the night?"

"Lookin' at the moon."

Kid groaned and rested his chin on his wife's head. The golden locks tickled his cheek. "I'd rather have you in bed, you can look at me instead."

Celia chuckled. "You're there every night, the moon comes up like this once a month. I just like watching the moon. I'll be back soon to watch you."

Kid bent down to level his eyes with hers and looked out the window to see what his wife was watching. The far away mountains were showered in a soft light and the apple-trees near the window had golden tones that melted into dark green where the light did not reach. It looked like a painting. The soft September breeze made the leaves move and they seemed to dance in the moonlight. Looking at it now made him realize that he never seen the moonlight like this, he had never realized the wonder within. Kid couldn't believe all the beauty he was surrounded with. Celia rested in that beauty and was very much a part of it, she brought it forth.   
"You're right Angel, it is wonderful. I never think I saw it like this until you showed me."

"Maybe you just didn't bother to look?"

He could feel her smiling as she spoke the words. It had taken a long time before he was able to find peace and beauty in the world around him. It had taken Celia to point those small things out. "Maybe." Kid admitted and put his arms tighter around the woman standing before him.

"Did you ever think about how long this has been going on, the moon coming up and painting the plains like this? It's been happening forever and we weren't here to enjoy it."

"We are now."

Celia turned and watched him with a smile. "That's why I'm standing here."

Kid hugged her closer, this was all she asked for. The moon lighting up the plains or the sun warming the ground, the water in the creek rippling its way over the stones. A kitten playing with yarn, a puppy stumbling over its own paws in joy. Little things, things that were worth nothing to others. That was the things his angel loved the most. She looked at him and the green in her eyes was so evident and intoxicating as they glittered with happiness and marvel about what life had to offer. "I'm so happy Kid, please never let this change."

"What can change, you think the moon will fall down?" Kid teased.

"I don't know. Look at Louise. She is so sad. I can tell. She must feel like she's lost everything."

"I know, Angel. But you can't help her. She has to help herself or at least want to be helped."

Celia leaned in closer to him. He felt her body pressed against his and he forgot to look at the moon. There was this pulsating vein on her neck that called out to him. He kissed it and felt the life-force in her throb against his lips. The smallest things about her had him riled up. "Honey please, there's nothing neither you nor me can do for Lou. She has to find her own way."

"I hope you're right."

"Let's go make another O'Day," Kid groaned to her neck as her soft skin against his screamed to him to love her, to make her his once again.

"Again?" Celia chuckled as she turned her head to fully face him.

"I don't think I got it right earlier," Kid whispered while he searched for her lips.

"You always do Kid," she answered him huskily as her lips answered his need. The promise in her eyes had him trembling as he closed his and floated into the sensation of her.

 

 

Rachel stepped out onto the patio and enfolded herself into the blanket. Everyone was asleep. Matthew and Will snored loudly in their rooms. The moon had woken her when its rays fell over her face. Blinking against the light, she tried to lie still and let her husband sleep. His snoring irritated her at the same time that it brought her comfort. Thinking about Lou sleeping all alone in the other room, she rose from the bed and snatched herself a blanket. Making her way over the floor, one of the boards protested loudly and Matthew mumbled in his sleep. Holding her breath, Rachel waited until everything settled again before she snuck out. _Is that what I ought to do with Lou too? Wait and let it settle?_ Rachel felt like Louise was hiding something from her, she wasn't telling her everything. During the days when they helped each other with the work that needed to be done around the house, Lou never spoke about her marriage. She never told anything about how they had lived, where they had lived. Jolene talked about her father, what they used to do and what he used to say. Lou never revealed anything but sorrow. It was like she felt to blame for Jimmy's death and Rachel couldn't understand why. Today at Kid's and Celia's was the first time she had seen the old Lou, the loving free-spirited nature. But there was something else too.   
Sinking onto the chair Rachel leaned her head against the wall.

The way she looked at the Kid had Rachel wondering. It wasn't the first time she wondered about Lou's interest in the Kid. And Celia. If Rachel didn't know better, she'd say she was trying to pry into their lives. Some remarks about Celia had disturbed Rachel deeply, but she had decided it wasn't really Lou talking. It was grief manifesting itself in bitter remarks. Louise was so different, even her outer looks were always perfect these days and she seemed to fell contempt towards women that did not have the need, or the means to pursue perfection. Rachel wondered if the outer perfection masked an inner disarray? She needed to have Lou open up completely but she had no idea how to make her step out of the shell she hid inside. Maybe she would come out if she spent more time with the Kid? It seemed like she needed a closure on that chapter in her life more than anything.

Harvest time was coming up and Rachel and Matthew always helped them out during the busier times of year. Maybe they would make things a little different this year? What if she took Lou and the children to live in the house for a while and have Lou see that Kid really had moved on. That she could not ask him for what she obviously needed? If what she needed was what Rachel suspected? She shook her head at the thought, no that wasn't the Lou she once knew. But then again, she was alone with a daughter, broken by the sorrow of her recent loss. There was something about Lou that troubled Rachel, troubled her deeply. She seemed to be harboring some secret and it was tormenting her just as much as her loss was. Maybe if she saw for herself that yesterday was long gone and there was no turning back? There was plenty of room. They could stay in the old empty house. That would be close enough without intruding. She'd ask Celia tomorrow when she came into town, maybe this was the only way to make Lou close the chapter in her life that still seemed open?


	7. Chapter 7

"It's gonna be fine, honey. Rachel figures she needs something to do, we'll put her to work and help her get her spirit back, you'll see." Kid laid an arm over his wife's shoulder as she stood on the verandah and watched the arriving wagon. Kid could tell she was nervous and hesitant. Still she had willingly accepted that Lou would stay at the homestead during the harvest. But she had become tense, Kid sensed that and tried his best to cheer her up. Lou must really be rubbing her the wrong way. Not that she never let on that something was bothering her, instead Celia had the faculty to kind of disappear when she felt threatened. Kid sensed she was starting to slip away right now.   
"We can still have them turn back Angel, we'll manage fine even without them helpin' out."

"Don't be such a fool Kid, we need them both and you know it." Her voice was absolutely calm and Kid bowed to look into her eyes. She had that eerie faculty to shut everything off when she needed. Now he read absolutely nothing from those eyes that could speak volumes if she let them.

"Angel, I feel there's something strange..."

"Must be your rheumatism acting up," Celia grinned and poked an elbow in his ribs. "Get yourself down from this verandah and help them settle."

"Ain't you comin'?"

"I have bread to bake and a dinner to prepare so if you want something else than canned beans, you'll better get goin' and help those women and leave me alone."

"I thought Margaret was goin' to prepare dinner?"

"Her rheumatism is actin' up too. Maybe the two of you should share a bed and heal..."

"God, woman, that's just gross," Kid wrinkled his nose at Celia's implications.

"Only if you have a dirty mind Kid," Celia chuckled and slid out of his grip.

"Hey!" Kid protested, "it was you who.."

"Good-bye Kid," Celia leered at him before she closed the door.

"I'll get you yet," Kid promised when he stepped down to help Rachel and Lou with their daughters to settle in their old house for the coming two weeks. Rachel drove by and pointed to the house. Kid nodded, he'd meet them there. He wasn't exactly sure this was a good idea himself, but Rachel seemed to believe it would do Lou a world of good. And when Celia concurred, who was he to try and persuade either of them? God knows he had tried before and failed miserably. A crying Sarah emerged from the barn with a bleeding knee. Seeing her father, she started howling and ran to him, Kid hurried to catch his daughter and examine the wound on her leg. Sarah was always falling down stairs and hitting various part of her body. "Hey baby-girl, what happened now? Weren't you supposed to be with Emily feeding the chickens?"

"I was," Sarah sobbed to his shoulder while he carried her to the pump to get some water.

"So how come you come running from the barn with this cut on your knee?"

"I fell," Sarah mumbled.

"Uh huh?"

"I was runnin' and the ground tripped me, Pa!"

Kid had to smile at his daughter's ingenious explanation. "The ground tripped you, huh?"

"I was running real fast and then I fell."

"Sarah, you have to run slower and not let the ground trip you, okay? Now I have to clean this cut of yours and if it's bad, we might have to take a trip to the Doc's."

"No-o-o not the Doc, Pa, I want Ma!"

"Shhh, baby, put your leg here and I'll pour water over, it might hurt a bit so you'll have to be a brave girl for your Pa, can you do that?" Sarah put the thumb in her mouth and nodded. When she flinched as the water ran over the cut, Kid smiled comfortingly and stroke her hair, she had hair just like her Ma. Soft and golden. But she didn't cry and Kid realized the cut wasn't that deep after all.

"Come on, goldy locks, I'll get you to your Ma right away."

"No Doc?"

"I'll let her decide, you're not out of the woods yet, young lady!"

"I'll be good Pa, just don't take me to the Doc's."

"I wouldn't take you to Doc's to punish you, sweetheart, but when the ground trips you like that, sometimes you have no choice."

A shadow fell over them and Kid looked up to find Lou standing at their side. He hadn't even noticed her arrive. She was dressed in a beautiful blue dress with laces and crinoline. Sarah looked at her with wide eyes. Kid had to smile at his daughter's open admiration for the lady. "Sarah, it's not nice to stare!"

"But Pa, she's so beautiful, I wanna look like her when I grow up."

Kid rose and lifted his daughter up in his lap. Turning to watch Lou, he smiled and nodded a greeting. "I'll have to take Sarah to her Ma, I'll be back in a minute."

"I'll wait," Lou promised. Kid turned to walk away and Sarah hung over his shoulder, watching the beautiful lady with big eyes. Kid wondered how exactly Lou intended to work dressed like that, she looked like she was about to attend a ball. She sure had changed over the years.

Taking the last steps the door opened and Celia peeked out. "Where and how bad?" she simply asked and Kid had to smile at her ability to pinpoint the problem at once.

"Ma!" Sarah turned around in his lap like an eel, "The ground tripped me!" Celia tried to hide the smile and look sternly at her daughter. She didn't succeed. "The ground tripped you?"

"Yeah but it don't hurt anymore, Pa helped and made the hurt go away."

"Thank goodness for Pa," Celia laughed and kissed Kid's cheek. "What would we do without him?"

"You take care of this little rascal? I'd recommend some broth, chicken-broth." Kid teased knowing Sarah's deep dislike for the dish. "Maybe two bowls?"

Celia rolled her eyes and took Sarah into her lap. "You'll help Ma make some real good beans for dinner, won't you sweetie? You know how Pa loves them beans coz' they remind him of old times, don't he?"

"No Ma, Pa hates beans," Sarah giggled.

"He does?" Celia said and caught a glimpse of Lou walking towards them, dressed like she was on her way to attend some very fancy gathering. Celia lifted her brows in surprise at the apparition of beauty walking over the dusty yard.

Kid shrugged. "I better get over there and help them settle. They might wanna change into something more comfortable."

"I doubt it," Celia smiled and turned to walk back in. "Tell you what Kid, this place is starting to fill with women ogling you, I'd better watch out."

"Yeah you better, coz I'm gonna get you one of these days."

He hurried to run up to Lou and steer her to the old house, people might start talking if they saw her in this city dress. He didn't want them to think she was conceited.

 

 

Lou felt it natural to hook her arms around Kid's when they walked to the house they were gonna occupy during the harvest. She had felt strangely nervous about the whole thing, but since Rachel did this every year, it only seemed natural to tag along. Maybe staying with Kid and his family wouldn't be such a strain after all? That wife of his was hardly ever seen, she was occupied with the editing and taking care of the children. Lou always felt strange when she was around, belittled and looked down upon. That Celia character had everything and Lou felt like right now she had nothing. She felt exactly like she did during those days she had been forced to act as a boy, she felt out of the loop. While Jimmy was around, other women had looked at her with envy and now she had lost that. She could still turn a man's head easily enough but there was really nobody who could ever match Jimmy. Except for the Kid. Glancing at him from the side while they walked, she saw he was embarrassed and wondered why? Was it because he had troubles hiding his feelings for her? Knowing the Kid, she gathered he would not cheat on his wife, not if he loved her. But did he? Maybe he still had the same feelings he had so many years ago and was fighting hard to conceal them? He had taken a wow and Lou was sure he was going to stick to it through thick and thin. But what would happen when she told him the truth? He would do everything in his power to redeem the situation, she knew that. But how could he? Had she waited too long to tell him, should she have told him years ago? No, she had promised Jimmy to tell him if something happened to him and now it had. She had to keep that promise however hard it seemed right now. But first she had to find out more about Kid and Celia. Most of all she needed to find out more about the Kid, who he had become and how he felt. She'd have to see if telling him the secret was safe. Lives could depend upon that.

 

 

Rachel watched as Lou and Kid walked up. Lou had a demure smile and Rachel wondered what she was thinking, was she lost in yesterday again? She seemed to drift off into the past to shield herself from the present and the future. Right now she looked perfectly happy. Rachel couldn't help but wonder if this was what she hoped for, to have Kid at her side once again? But why? She had chosen Jimmy and with that choice she ought to know there was no turning back. Not when Kid was concerned. What was it that Lou was hiding, or hiding from? She spent hours in the mornings to refinish her appearance, that was certainly not the Lou Rachel remembered. That strive for outer perfection was something she must have picked up in later life. It was like she didn't feel safe if she wasn't hidden behind those fancy clothes and that perfect surface. Underneath it all she was hurting awfully and Rachel could tell. How long before her cover would start cracking and her deep sorrow would be revealed? Rachel couldn't help but wonder what had happened to Lou to change her this much and what it would take to ?get the real Lou to finally surface and stay for good? The deeply caring, loyal and forgiving Lou? The Lou who cared more about the heart than the surface? She was still in there, Rachel had seen it, and she wanted her back.

 

 

"Dinner at seven," Kid grinned as he left them at the house.

Rachel could have sworn Lou blinked at him as he turned to walk out. What the hell was going on here ?

 

 

Sitting in the den after dinner they all laughed at memories of Cody's pranks at the bunkhouse. He was the born showbiz man and they all understood perfectly his latest choice of occupation. The Wild West Show must be a goldmine for somebody like Cody.

Lou found herself laughing whole heartily at the memories of his many pranks. Sitting here and telling her daughter things even she had forgot about the Pony Express era felt so natural, so relieving. It was like turning back to yesterday when everything seemed so easy. The more they reminisced, the closer to yesterday it took them. Soon Celia and the girls excused themselves and left them in the den. Hannah and Jolene walked back to their house, probably to giggle at some schoolgirl infatuation, Lou thought bemused as her eyes followed her daughter as she walking out, her arm hooked around Hannah's.

"They've surely found each other those two," Rachel snickered. "Soon you'll be chasing suitors off your porch, Lou!"

"God, don't remind me," Lou giggled. "I was only one year older when I signed up for the Pony Express. I'm afraid that any day now Jolene's gonna tell me she's taking up wrangling."

"Well, if she's anything like her mother, she's gonna be darned good at it. I might hire her," Kid said with a grin.

"You would, wouldn't you?" Lou beamed in his direction. "I was always the best rider of y'all anyways."

"Now hold on, I remember darned well once you fell right on you nose when you tried to jump a fallen tree." Kid leered.

Lou knew exactly the run he was talking about. That run to Redfern that had ended up in them making love. She couldn't help but blush a little and wonder what he was getting at?   
"That was just because you broke my attention," Lou shot back, wondering if he felt the same she did right now?

"I did, didn't I?" Kid nodded.

"Yup" Lou smiled in his direction. "Had nothing to do with my ridin' ability, it was you all along."

Suddenly it felt like there was only the two of them in the whole world. Kid rested his eyes on hers and a soft smile played in his blue orbs, the smile she remembered so well. The smile that in a sense was all that the Kid was about. Tenderness and caring, empathy and combined with that capability of his to read her every mood. She wished he could read her wishes too.

 

 

Rachel watched the two exclude her totally. Something in the way they looked at each other made her mirth vanish. This wasn't right. Kid was married, married to Celia, whom she considered her best friend. But Lou needed some cheering up, Rachel had never seen her this happy ever since she arrived to Rock Creek. Would Kid do this to Celia? Watching him, she noticed him look shyly to the floor and chuckle at Lou's soft remark that he was the one. Rachel rose from her seat, suddenly she felt bad about bringing Lou here. Maybe she meddled in things that should be left alone?

"I gotta go, it's late and there's work to be done tomorrow," she stammered.

Kid looked up at her and nodded. "Good night Rachel, see ya tomorrow."

Rachel looked over to Lou, expecting her to come along. Lou lifted her glass to show Rachel she had some wine left. "I'll just finish this, I'll be right along."

"Don't worry, I'll walk her home," Kid assured her, glancing at Lou on the couch.

"Fine," Rachel replied tonelessly and threw a stern glance in Lou's direction. Lou feigned not to see and Rachel wondered what she was up to? _Lou has certainly changed,_ Rachel thought, _and now I'm helping her get what she wants! God help me, I didn't mean for this to happen._

 

Celia sat at her youngest's bedside and stroke the curly hair. She felt nothing but emptiness inside as she witnessed the interaction between Kid and Louise. Louise was in love with her husband and she knew full well that when a woman like Louise wanted something, she usually got it. She had nothing to compete with, nothing at all. Lou was Kid's first love and now she had come back to reclaim him. All she could do was yield to a stronger force. _Dammit Celia, he gave you ten beautiful years, that's more than you ever expected from anybody. You must have known it was never really love. It was need, nothing else. Nobody could ever love you, don't you know that? Hell, even your own mother couldn't stand the sight of you. Why do you keep fooling yourself? But I have these beautiful children with him, don't that count for anything? I love him more that I ever loved anybody, he taught me what loving is! Doesn't that count at all?_

Looking out the window, she watched the moon vanish behind a cloud. _He loves her and you know it. He married you because you got pregnant with Emily. Give him a chance to be happy, happier than he could ever be with you. He deserves that happiness, you know that, he's given you more happiness than you ever imagined possible. Let him love too, with his whole heart, like you love him, he deserves that. You also know that loving sometimes means letting go, like the eagle you found, you let that bird go when he was ready to fly again._

She rose and walked to stand by the window. Watching the darkness outside, she knew what she had to do. Kid was ready to fly and she had to let him go. She had no right to keep him any longer. She had to leave. If only the children.... _The children will be fine, they'll have it much better with Kid and Louise than with you alone. Don't hang on to him with the because of the children. He'll end up hating you for it._

"I know," Celia whispered, "you can't own anything in this world, nothing at all. Least of all happiness. I know that and I will let go."

"Ma?"

Celia turned and walked back to her son. "Hush, baby, I was just talking to the moon."

 

 

Kid watched the woman that had married his best friend, she looked radiant. They way she looked at him made him feel seventeen again. It was foolish of him, he knew that but remembering those careless days full of adventure made him momentarily wish he was back in those sun-filled days of youth. Lou looked as sweet as ever and he remembered how deeply in love he had been, how just looking at her made his heart race faster. How sweet those stolen kisses were and how precious their moments together had seemed. Smiling at her, he wondered if she thought the same, was she too remembering the love they had shared so long ago? They had been sitting in the den for hours, talking about silly nothings.

"Come on, Lou, I'll walk you home."

Lou smiled and hooked her arm around his. When he opened the door, she brushed past him, only to feel his body touch hers, to remember how they used to kiss each other goodnight out by the barn to then sneak into the bunkhouse. Smiling she lifted her head and looked up into the sky.

"Just like one of those nights," she sighed.

"What nights?" Kid asked softly at her side.

"Those night we used to sneak out and fool around."

Kid cast a glance at her and smiled. Walking slowly, he squeezed her arm. "Yeah, just as one of those nights."

Stopping midway between the houses, Kid turned to her. Lou saw he was searching for words. Lou wondered what he was trying to tell her? By the look on his face, she felt encouraged enough to heave herself up on her toes and kiss his cheek. Like the first kiss they ever shared down by the corral. She looked at him as he leaned in closer to her. Her lips opening slightly in expectation.

"Boss!" An alarmed voice rang out from the barn. "The stallion's got colic and he already kicked Roy so's he can't walk." A haggard man appeared in the barndoor. Kid stepped away from her.

"How long?" Kid asked.

"It's been a coupl'o hours, he keeps bitin' and kickin'. Can't hardly get him to move any longer."

"The castor oil ain't workin'?"

"Can't get'm to take it."

Kid turned back to her. "I'll have to take care of this Lou, will you make it to the house alright?"

"Sure Kid," Lou nodded, "you go take care of your business. I'll be alright."

She was left standing there as Kid walked up to the man still standing in the doorway. "This is gonna be an all nighter if we're gonna try to pull'm through this!"

Kid groaned.


	8. Chapter 8

Lou looked around the small house they temporarily had moved into. It was Kid's and Celia's old house before they built the newer, bigger one. It didn't feel exactly right staying here but Kid had adamantly insisted she'd stay. He said they needed her help with watching the children during harvest time but Lou suspected there was something else behind his request. She sensed there was. What would she say or do if Kid paid her a visit alone? She shivered at the thought, it was something intoxicating in the thought of them two together after such a long time. Staying here brought him and the memories so much closer. Was that what he wanted, was that the reason he asked her to stay on the homestead? Whatever the reason, it would be easier to find the right moment to tell him about everything. And it was high time she got out of Rock Creek anyway. She had an eerie feeling the men were on to her, maybe she had stayed too long in one place? Or was it just the fear that kept haunting her? If Jimmy would have been alive to testify instead of her, those men would have hung, all of them. She had only seen enough to make one man pay for his crimes.   
_I should have stayed quiet, why did I have to open my mouth at all?_ But she knew full well why she spoke up, the two men she had loved in her life, Jimmy and Kid had shown her that you had to take a stand. So for her to be in this situation was really their fault in the first place. Louise smiled bitterly at her own thoughts. Of course that was not the truth, but the loss of Jimmy mixed with the danger had her desperately looking for scapegoats, carrying everything on her own was wearing her down. The painful memories of Jimmy's death had lessened since she came back to Rock Creek. Everything in this town did not remind her of him as acutely as Deadwood did. And Kid brought her calm by just being there, she wondered how come he still had that effect on her? She had always felt safe around him, all too safe at times so she had chosen Jimmy's flare and the excitement it brought, the sense of adventure appealed to her like nothing else. Jimmy had given her everything she ever wanted, that and more. Now she needed stability and safety like never before. Only way to get it seemed to mean involving the Kid in her life. They'd be staying here for two weeks and she was in on the forth day. She needed to tell him today. The scurrying of feet outside woke her from her reverie, it was rime to face the day.

Smiling to herself, she remembered yesterday and the dinner they'd enjoyed at Kid's house. Talking about old times, they had found themselves giggling and chuckling at the memories of the days when they were just mere children, striving to grow up. Cody's pranks and his endless boasting and bragging, the only member of the family that they still stayed in contact with. Cody was a safe issue and provided them with lots of laughter. Teaspoon was gone, dead in the war. Buck had returned to his tribe and nobody knew anything about his fate. Jesse sure had made a name for himself, not the kind of name they had expected though. Ike and Noah were both long gone, but the memories of them did not hurt as much as the memories of Jimmy. Cody was the one that felt safe to talk about, Cody became their topic of the night. A perfect night to remember only the good things. They hadn't even noticed as Celia bid goodnight and went to bed. Sitting there and chatting after Rachel told the goodnight had felt like they were a couple, something she so desperately needed right now. To belong. It had been close to dawn when she finally sneaked back in to the house to get an hour of sleep, the night had been beautiful. When Kid had walked Lou back to their house, he had smiled all the way and Lou felt like stepping back fifteen years. The night had made her young and full of dreams again. Dreams that she did not even dare to admit to herself. She wondered what would have happened if the men hadn't found them and called Kid away? And was that really what she wanted?

Shrugging she put on a pair of trousers Celia had lent her, the legs were too long and the color was awful but Louise had gladly accepted. Working with Kid on the farm while the hired men gathered the crops suited her just fine. Rachel had to see to the children today while Celia had to go into town and edit the newspaper. That Margaret women would be busy cooking for all the hired help. The day was perfect.

Stepping out on the yard she spotted Kid wave Celia and the girls gathered in the wagon, goodbye. Hannah and Jolene spotted her and waved in her direction. Lou lifted a hand to salute them, feeling a sting of guilty conscience at the thought of Celia. It might be wiser to include her in the upcoming discussion but thinking about telling the Kid was enough to make her stomach flutter. Having Celia around would give her an acute fit of muteness, she knew that for a fact. And what she had to tell the Kid didn't actually concern Celia now, did it? Not directly anyhow, Kid would have to make a decision on how much to tell Celia himself, she'd leave it up to him to decide. Lou had sensed Kid looking at her like before, like back in the old times. Making her anxious and shaky, that was not his fault but it wouldn't make it easier to tell him. If things worked like she wished for, her life would change today and anyhow, Jolene's would for certain. Jolene would have safety at last. A thing she as a mother couldn't provide right now, not by herself anyways. She smiled as she walked up to Kid.

"Okay boss, I know you always looked forward to bossin' me around, now's your chance."

"I'll enjoy it, Lou, count on that."

"Enjoy it while you can Kid, it won't last long."

"That's the story with you Lou, ain't it?"

Lou was not sure how to interpret the last statement, was it bitterness she heard? Was he implying something? Looking at him she tried to read what he said underneath the obvious lines. She couldn't tell. Kid had that teasing grin plastered all over his face. Did he enjoy teasing her or was this an invitation for more?   
"Just tell me what to do."

"We need to clean the stables, you can still muck out, can't ya?"

"I have a feeling if I mess up, you'll teach me, won't you?" She was feeling safer now, he was joshing her around like in the old times when they still were friends. If she couldn't have Jimmy, she'd settle for Kid. He was the one man she had ever loved, almost as much as she had loved Jimmy.

"I'll take those city-manners right out of ya," Kid leaned in close to her and nudged her arm. "Get to work woman, there's a dozen stalls to be mucked and we need to put straw in the rest just in case that storm comes our way. I'll come help as soon as I get this first corn wagon unloaded."

Lou smirked at his happy face.

"I always wanted to say that to you!" He laughed as he turned to meet the wagon approaching the yard. Lou blushed, having Kid that close stirred up strange feelings inside her. Feelings she remembered from the past. And it was all so wrong, she knew that.

 

 

Her cheeks feeling hot she turned to do the job assigned to her. Wasn't it a sign that Kid wanted her to clean the stables with him? He could have had her milk the cows or feed the chickens and hogs. But he had told her to muck the stables and he'd be right at her side. Did he wait for her to take the first step, was that it? Lou felt like a schoolgirl all over again, it had always been like that with Kid. Jimmy and her friendship had turned into a deep burning love. Kid and her had shared something else, something that hadn't been fully explored due to her choice fifteen years ago. Maybe he wanted to explore it now? Now that she'd lost Jimmy, she'd willingly accept the second best. She kept glancing over her shoulder, awaiting for Kid to turn up and help her. "What's taking him so long," she muttered as she walked into the third stall and removed the wet straw.

"You've slackered off." A voice rang near her ear. Lou jumped in surprise.

"Damn you Kid, you scared the livin' daylight outta me!"

"The old Lou would have mucked five stalls by now," Kid grinned. "You're pampered girl, I should hire you full time and get some of the old Lou in action again."

"Pampered, huh?" Lou sneered, "I'll tell you who's pampered...." She let the sentence remain unfinished, she had Celia's name on the tip of her tongue but sensed that wouldn't be the most sensible thing to say.

"No, Jimmy spoiled you rotten, I can tell."

Lou took the shovel filled with manure and swung it menacingly towards the Kid. "I'd be careful if I were you, seein' the ammunition I've got."

"You win Lou, you win! I'll go muck the rest of the stalls, think you can manage to get some dry straw into the stalls instead?"

"Dear Kid, I can do anything," she stuck her nose in the air and rejoiced in Kid's happy chuckle. This was going to be easier than she initially thought.

They worked in silence until the next load of corn arrived. When Kid walked outside to help the men unload the wagon, Lou sank gratefully onto the hay. It had been a long time since she worked this hard. But it felt good, it kept the memories away. And Kid definitely seemed to enjoy their time together too.

 

 

It was late in the afternoon when Lou started counting her blisters. Kid strode in to the barn and leered at her. "What's so funny?" Lou growled.

"I told you I'd take those city-manners right outta you. How many years since you've had an honest blister?"

"It's not funny Kid, it hurts like hell!"

"Come on, I've got something for you to put on those blisters that'll make them go away in no time." He beckoned her inside the tack-room. Lou swallowed, they'd be alone in there, nobody around to listen in on their conversation. Now was the time to tell. There was no way she'd miss this opportunity. Kid pointed for her to sit on a three-legged stool. He took a a jar and handed it to her. "Hold this!"

"I can't hold anything, I've got blisters, remember?"

"How bad?" Kid asked and Lou couldn't help but smile at the concern in his voice.

"Look!" Lou showed him the palms of her hands, she had counted six herself and it felt like another ten was about to emerge. Kid took her hands and examined them closely.

"You should've said something Lou," Kid scolded her.

"I'm telling you now."

"Okay Lou, first you need to put those hands into cold water. I'll go get a sink. Then I'll patch you up."

Lou trembled with anxiety. This was the closest she had been to him and she felt shivers of anticipation ran down her spine. She wanted to kiss him and that surprised her. After Jimmy's kisses she never thought she'd be wanting anybody else to kiss her ever again. But Kid still had that air of innocence about him that attracted her. _Stay calm Louise, don't rush anything. Remember what you're here for!_

When Kid put the sink at her feet and told her to tuck her hands into the water, Lou's knees started to shake. The moment of truth kept coming closer and she was getting terrified. When Kid took her hand and put on the oily smelling content of the jar, she cleared her throat; "Kid, I got something to tell you."

"Don't tell me your quitting on me just coz' o' some measly blisters?"

"No Kid this is worse, much worse."

Kid looked bewildered at her, pausing in his bandaging of her hands.

"Well, tell me."

Lou took a deep breath and hesitated before she'd forever alter Kid's life. He was still putting the clean cloth over her blisters and Lou decided to wait until he was done. He let go off her and and looked at her. "Well, Lou?"

"Oh Kid, I haven't told anybody this and I don't want anybody to know either. I'll let you decide what to do but just wait till I've told you everything." She dared not look at him and decided to spill it all out before she regretted the whole thing. "Five months before Jimmy was shot there was a gang that kept terrorizing Deadwood. They shot two women and robbed a bank. I happened to see while one of them raped and killed a Saloon-girl. I told Jimmy and he sent a posse out after the men. They trailed them for a month before they got their hands on them. Then they were brought back to Deadwood to stand trial. The judge never came and they had to wait four months for a judge to show up. By then Jimmy was dead." Lou wiped her eyes with the bandaged hand, Kid laid a hand on her shoulder.   
"I testified against the man and he was sentenced to death. But Jimmy having died the testimonies for the bank robbery all pulled out and the rest of the men were set free. The new Marshal promised to keep me safe but one night I heard a window crash downstairs. I didn't think anything of it, there was a lot of drunks in that town and I gathered somebody had just fallen onto the window and crushed it. I was so grief-stricken I couldn't think clear anyhow. Next morning when I came down, I found this paper tied around a rock. It told me my days were counted and Jolene would be forced to work, you can figure what kind of work was mentioned, if I didn't pay them a five thousand dollars they thought I owed the men for the man they considered being falsely accused and sentenced to death."

"Oh God Lou, why didn't you tell us sooner?"

"I was scared Kid, I didn't know who to trust!"

"You couldn't trust me?" Kid stroke her hair. "Lou?"

"I hoped they wouldn't find me but a couple of days ago I thought I saw one of the men in Rock Creek. I wanted to jump on the first stagecoach and run. But then I remembered what I promised Jimmy."

"Jimmy?"

"I promised him that if anything happened to him, I'd tell you the truth, he always wanted you to know. He said you'd make things right for Jolene."

"Jolene? I don't understand Lou. The truth about what?"

Lou raised her head and looked into Kid's blue eyes, they were filled with empathy and concern. Her own brimmed over with tears and Kid rose and took her into his arms. "Don't worry Louise, we'll sort this out. I'll talk to the Marshal myself, I know him. Heck, I've been his deputy a couple of times. He'll make everything right. You can stay here till this thing blows over. We'll watch out for you and Jolene. She's my friends' daughter and I'll watch out for her like if she was my own."

Lou leaned her head onto his strong chest and cried silently. Kid rocked her and stroke her hair. "Don't worry Lou, everything will be fine. Jimmy's was right, he knew I'd look out for you and his daughter and I will."

Now was the time she had to tell him, she just had to let him know. In honor of Jimmy's memory and his need to let his friend know the truth, she needed to tell him. She buried her head in his shirt like she had so many times when she was younger, but right now she felt more fragile than ever. When she was young it had been easier, she had nothing to lose at that point, only love to gain. Now she had a daughter that depended on her and who she would lay down her life for, at any instance. And not only her life but her pride and morals too. She was scared to tell him, but she longed to finally let the truth emerge and seal the wound the knowledge had left in her soul that night in the barn she told the Kid she was going to marry Jimmy. She owed the Kid that much. But what she had to say might just reopen those wounds. They might change everything for the Kid.

"Don't you worry Lou, we'll take care of you both." Kid stroke her hair and mumbled while holding her close.

Lou drew a deep ragged breath and gathered all the strength she could muster before she lifted her eyes and looked straight into Kid's. "You don't understand Kid. Jolene ain't Jimmy's, she's yours!"


	9. Chapter 9

Kid was left staring into the wall of the tack-room with Lou's last words echoing in his mind. The shock left him petrified, he couldn't move. He had no idea how long he had been standing there, staring into a wall. He felt lightheaded and wanted to both cry and laugh at the same time. What the hell kind of a lie was this to throw in his face? He didn't even feel Lou wrap her arms tighter around him and cry onto his shoulder. The pain of the betrayal fifteen years ago came back to hit him square in the face. This woman had coldly told him she was going to marry his best friend, no explanations offered other than she had made a choice. Making him lose his faith in everything he held sacred and trusted in. She had stood there and told him he wasn't the one and now she came back to tell him he was her child's father? Then Celia's face flashed before his eyes and he hugged the woman in his arms instinctively, sensing it wasn't Celia, he finally woke from the daze and pushed Lou away.   
"What the hell are you sayin', Lou?"

Lou looked at him with tears running down her face and Kid shuddered at the pain in her eyes.

"Jolene is yours Kid, she's your daughter."

"She can't be, you were married to Jimmy!"

"Gettin' married is not what it takes to conceive a child, Kid."

Kid sank down on the bench, he had difficulties breathing. For the longest time he tried to gather his thoughts and understand what Lou just had told him. Why did Lou tell him this now? Why wait this long? And Angel, how would he be able to explain this to her? _It happened fifteen years ago, you didn't know her then!_ Trying to rationalize the feelings of betrayal against the woman he loved, he searched his mind for evidence of Jolene not being his.   
"How can you be sure?"

Lou sank to her knees in front of him. "I'm sorry Kid, I didn't mean to spring it upon you like this but Jimmy always wanted you to know. He always said you'd want to know."

"Goddammit Lou! No! I don't want to know, I don't need this." Kid hid his face in his hands. Lou put a hand on his knee. It had come as a complete shock to him, she knew that and she tried to comfort him.

"It's not true!"

"Kid we were married fifteen years and we only have one daughter. A daughter that's fifteen! She was conceived before the marriage Kid, do the reasoning yourself. More likely than not she's your daughter."

"Then why Lou? Why did you marry Jimmy?"

"Because I thought it was his child. We spent one night together and I fell in love, Kid. I loved Jimmy but I loved you too. I was convinced the child was Jimmy's, not yours. And I know your morals Kid, when you got to know that Jimmy and I...made love, you wouldn't have understood, would you?"

Kid shook his head, still refusing to look at her. "No you're right, I wouldn't. We were engaged to be married Lou and you spent a night with Jimmy?"

"It just happened Kid, it happened that one time and I was too ashamed to tell you so I married Jimmy instead of you."

"I don't need to hear this. That part of my life is over. Please Lou, I don't wanna hear any more."

"Jimmy wanted you to know, I promised him."

Kid finally raised his head and looked at her. "You promised me a lot too, Lou. You never abided to those promises so why start keeping your word now?

The bitterness in his words made her shiver, he looked at her with scorn. "Kid! I'm sorry. If I could turn back time I would but I can't. I can just tell you how sorry I am. You deserve to know about Jolene, now you do and I have kept my promise to Jimmy and you have a new daughter."

Kid rose and looked down on her where she sat at his feet. "What the hell do you want from me, Lou? Tell me what the hell you expect me to do with that knowledge!"

Lou rose to her feet and threw her arms around Kid. "You don't have to do anything about it Kid, all Jimmy wanted for you was to know the truth."

Kid stood dumbfounded and stared down on the tear-soaked face not knowing what to say, think or do. The door opened behind him and a voice rang out: "What the hell are you doing, Kid?"

"Rachel!" Kid stuttered, "I...Lou...she.."

"Go to hell, Kid!" Rachel said and slammed the door shut.

Kid finally regained his ability to act. "Rachel!" He yelled and started after the woman, pushing Lou away from him and stumbling out of the barn as if a flock of coyotes were hunting him. "Wait, it ain't what you think!"

Rachel turned to him and looked like she wanted to take a swing at him. "Kid, I should really shoot you! And to think I told Sis she was overreacting. And what do I see, you and Lou making out. You have no decency at all Kid and I hope you rot in hell!"

"Rachel, calm down, it wasn't what it looked like. Lou just told me...."

"Goddammit Kid, I don't care what she told you. If you had to do it couldn't you have done it somewhere else, the whole homestead is talking about it! Thank goodness Celia ain't here to witness this."

"But Rachel there was nothing to see, Lou just told me that Jolene's mine and I..."

"Just had to redo the deed did ya? May you rot in hell Kid, you had no right whatever to do what you did. Celia told me you didn't sleep in your bed last night, how dare you, Kid? Right under her nose like the wows the two of you took are nothing! You betrayed her and she doesn't need any more betrayals in her life. Damn you Kid..."   
Rachel was screaming at the top of her lungs at the man standing in front of her, looking like he had no idea what she was talking about. Gasping for air she silenced herself, she did not find the right words to tell him. And by God she wanted to find the words to hurt him like his actions had humiliated and hurt her friend, she wanted him to squirm and he just looked like he didn't understand. Her idea of bringing Lou and Kid together to let Lou see Kid had moved had backfired badly and Rachel felt everything was her fault. And she had hurt her best friend in a way she never intended. Celia would not forgive her, hell this morning Rachel had laughed at her as Celia told her something was going on. And God how right her friend had been, and now Celia and her daughter were nowhere to be found. Everything seemed to come crumbling down. And she was in the middle of it, she loved Lou like a daughter but she loved Celia too and now it felt like she had to choose between the two of them.

"Goddammit, a horse had colic and I kept wandering around the corral forcing...."

"Don't feed me any more lies Kid, Lou didn't get to bed either. Just don't keep digging the hole you're standing in any deeper. You're deep enough in it as it is already. You should have told your wife and left her some dignity!"

Kid looked at her like she had lost her mind. His was racing with the fact that what he had done might get this misunderstood. "What are you talkin' 'bout Rachel. I got in before Angel left, I told her everything. She knows I did nothing wrong!"

Rachel smiled a superior smile that had Kid flare up instantly. "Goddammit Rachel, go ask Lou if you don't believe me! But first tell me where Angel is!"

"I don't know Kid, that's why I came lookin' for you. None of them is home yet and school ended five hours ago. They should be here by now. Jolene and Hannah would be home at least, Celia would have gotten them home somehow, I'm tellin' you Kid, I have this uncanny feelin' something's not right and I can't... "

"Rachel, what are you sayin'? Angel was supposed to come home late today, she told me. Maybe she's..."

"Are you listening to me? I'm telling you she never came home and all you do is make out with Lou. My daughter's with her and I feel something's wrong. I've sent Dave out to look for them. I doubt you'd care but I did it just the same." Rachel let her eyes wander over the Kid with disgust.

"It's gettin' dark, maybe they decided to stay in town with Matthew? I'll ride out..."

"Is that what you wished for so you could have your fun? Did you think nobody would see what is going on or did you think at all when you started all this?"

"It wasn't my idea to bring her here in the first place, " Kid hollered pointing behind him at Lou that stood behind them. Covered in the shade of the barn.

"Goddammit Kid, you should have told Celia straight to her face and not gone behind her back. Don't you think she's gotten enough of that in her life?" Rachel hollered, her rage rising anew.

Lou looked around and noticed a crowd gather at the end of the barn. The hired help looked at the two standing by the stables debating loudly. She tried to intervene, stepping up to the two she tried to make them see sense and calm down. This was not exactly what she had expected to happen.

"There's people listening, shouldn't you..."

Kid turned around and looked at her with raw anger emanating from his eyes. "Just shut up Lou, haven't you said enough for today? Just shut up!" He turned and walked past her, causing her to step back to get out of his way, he looked like he wanted to hit her.

"Kid," she pleaded, "please.."

He was already mounting a horse and did not spend anytime listening to her. Turning to Rachel, she found her friend looking at her with the same scorn she had seen in Kid's eyes.

"Rachel, I never meant to cause this."

"I bet," Rachel remarked spitefully.

"Swear, I just did what Jimmy asked me to do, and what's best for Jolene's safety. She's my daughter, Rachel and she needs protection. I turned to Kid for that and I'm sorry, I shouldn't have but I had no one else to turn to!"

"What the hell are you talking about, Lou?"

"Let's get inside and I'll tell you."

They both turned at the sound of a wagon coming onto the yard in full speed. Matthew threw himself from the wagon and ran towards them, a pale William taking the reins and steadying the horses. Kid rode up toward the running man and flung himself off the horse's back. They watched as Matthew turned to the Kid and pointed to the wagon. Kid stepped backwards shaking his head and looking into the direction from where they had arrived. Rachel threw a glance at Lou before she ran to the men. Lou followed blindly, the panic growing in her. Reaching the men she read in Kid's face that what she had feared the most had happened. She started shaking uncontrollably and her knees were about to give in.

"Is it them Lou? Is this their work?" Kid asked with a low growl. "Did they get them? Is this what you've been fearing?"

""Who's got whom?" Rachel asked and watched as her husband's jawline tightened. "Somebody tell me!"

"Oh God oh God oh God," Lou mumbled and had to lean onto the wagon as her head started whirling. "This can't be happenin' dear God no, please."

"What?" Rachel screamed and yanked Matthew's sleeve hard. "Why've you got the wagon Matthew, where are the girls?"

"Rachel, sweetheart," Matthew mumbled and took her into his arms. "We found the wagon abandoned as we rode in. I don't know where the girls are, I was just askin' Kid if they had come home on foot?"

Rachel felt paralyzed and looked at her husband. Wouldn't there be some perfectly rational explanation to this? Maybe the wheel broke and they had to walk to Rock Creek and get a new one, maybe they still where in Rock Creek and...

Matthew shook his head. "No Rachel, the girls weren't even at school today. I thought they were with Celia so I didn't take action. Figured they'd learn as much from her as they would from me. Nobody's seen them in Rock Creek Rachel, they never appeared this morning. I'm sorry honey, I should have known something was wrong."

"I don't understand," Rachel stammered, "where might they have gone? Did something happen to them, Matthew what's going on?"

"Ask her," Kid hissed and turned to remount the horse. "Damn you Lou," he said defeated as he turned the horse around and rode out.

 

 

Rachel was left sitting with her hands crossed like in prayer while Lou told her what she had just told the Kid. Matthew cursed quietly and rose from the table to get a rifle. Lou sadly shook her head, the men wouldn't come here, they would get their revenge on their loved ones. They would not dare meet them face to face, Lou knew that all too well. Matthew moved to step out of the house and Rachel stirred.

"Matthew, please." Her voice sounded more frail than Lou had ever heard it before. When Rachel turned to look at her husband standing at the door, Lou could read the absolute terror in Rachel's, her friend's, eyes. A terror she had put there by not telling before.

"I'll just tell the men they need to watch out. I'll send them to the Marshal and we'll get this straightened out, honey. Don't worry, I'll be back."

Silently Rachel nodded her head. The stillness of the room was pierced by Noah's cry. Lou felt that the little boy was accusing her of his nightmares and maybe she was the cause. She was the one that had caused that neither his father nor his mother was home to tuck him in.

"I'll go check on the kids," Rachel mumbled tonelessly and rose from her sitting position.

Lou's eyes followed her as she walked out of the room. Rachel hadn't looked her in the eyes once since she started telling her the story that had led to this. The truth had come back to slap Lou in the face, alienating everyone instead of bringing them closer.  
 _  
Oh God, Jimmy, help me!_ Lou thought as she rested her head against the table, _where did I go wrong? I did what you asked me to, don't let me down now. Jimmy, please, help me!_


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note to the reader: This chapter contains extreme physical and psychological violence.

Celia woke to the sound of a silent muffled cry. Instinctively she tried to turn towards the sound but found she couldn't. She was tied up and gagged. When she opened her eyes, she saw nothing at first, then stars started to form in the darkness. With a groan she closed her eyes again and fell back to the dirt-floor. Then steps came closer and Celia tried to swing herself around to see who was coming. A door opened and a lantern shone right into her eyes. _Dark already? What the hell is going on it was morn...  
_  
Rough hands took a hold of her hair and jerked her head back and a laughter that had followed her through her life echoed in the room. Celia knew the worst of her nightmares had come true, the laugh that had echoed in her childhood had come back and she knew she would not survive this. The man with the lantern crouched at her side and the eyes of a devil pierced hers.

"Never in my life have I been so lucky," the man chuckled. "Fancy meeting you after all these years and as ugly as ever."

Celia was left staring into eyes filled with scorn and hatred, the only feelings she suspected the man in front of her had in him.

"You ran away, you coward. Goddammit woman, you're uglier than ever. It'll be a true pleasure to beat the crap out of you. I promise that this time you will cry, you'll cry for mercy as I kill you."

 _He never forgave me for not crying,_ the thought ran through Celia's head as the man jerked her head further back and flashed a knife.

"You'll cry damn it, I'll make you cry!"

Celia stared calmly into the eyes of her tormentor, knowing her fate, she concentrated on directing his anger towards her and not let him take it out on anybody else - always better that way. At least she wouldn't have to watch as he tormented somebody else. He seemed smaller now than he had seemed when she was just a little girl and he was the biggest boy in the orphanage. He seemed so much smaller now and she finally met his eyes with nothing but despise. He had taught her not to cry whatever they did to her and she wasn't about to start crying now. She would rather die than shed one single tear. The knife came up by her ear and tugged the cloth used as a gag loose.

With a sadistic smile, the man leaned in to her. "Have something to say, you ugly piece of useless crap?"

Celia spit in his face and the blow that followed sent her back into darkness.

 

 

Lou flinched as the door slammed shut. Having stayed seated at the kitchen table all night long, her muscles screamed when she turned to see who was coming. Her eyes met with a haggard Kid looking at her with a mixture of desperation and hope. Lou shook her head, she knew exactly what he was hoping for. His fist hit the door frame hard before he started to the stove. Rachel sat by the stove and stared out into the morning dew.

"Sorry, Rachel, no signs yet, I'll just get a new horse and go out again. I'll find them all, don't you worry."

Rachel said nothing and kept her eyes on the rising sun outside.

"Rachel," Kid said and placed a hand on her shoulder. Rachel shrugged it off and rose to her feet, pushing the Kid away from her path. "I'll check on Celia's children," she muttered without looking at him. "You, I don't ever wanna see again Kid, not ever."

Matthew rose from the chair and walked up to his wife. "Rachel, it isn't the Kid's fault!"

"The hell I care," Rachel spat and shook herself loose. Walking up the stairs with determined steps, the rest of them followed her pace.

 

 

Kid sank to the stool and remain looking at his own hands. If there only was something he could do, something that his physical strength would be capable of resolving, it would be so easy. But what was happening now was beyond his comprehension and his abilities. There was absolutely nothing he could accomplish by himself right now. There were no signs of them, no indication of where he should go to find them. There was nothing. Other than this dread that kept rolling over him, making him feel like he was about to get choked. Rachel was right in blaming him, he was of no use to anybody right now, a posse was out looking for them and would probably find them dead somewhere. Celia's hair matted with blood flashed before his eyes and Kid felt like throwing up again at the vision. Rising to his feet, he was stopped by Matthew's strong hands that pushed him back to his place on the stool.

"Kid, have something to eat at least. You look like you're about to keel over yourself. There's nothing you can do that the Marshal's men aren't already doing."

"I need to..."

"You need to stay here and protect your family," Matthew spoke.

"What's left of it," Kid mumbled and felt like throwing up all over again.

"Shut up," Matthew told him sternly, "it'll work out. I know it will."

When Kid raised his head to look at Matthew, Lou saw the naked despair in his eyes and she wanted to run over to him and hug him close in comfort. A comfort she needed so badly herself. And she needed him to be strong now, she needed his support. He had always been the strong dependable one and right now she needed that strength. Jolene was his daughter and she was out there, cold and lost. What hurt Lou the most was the notion that Kid's primary concern still seemed to be Celia. Lou turned to look out the window. She felt the same chilling loneliness spread over her once more, the loneliness that had her gripped ever since that faithful day Jimmy didn't come home no more. Even if they were all together in the despair, each and every one of them had somebody missing that meant more than life to them. Lou wished she could have shared the fear for Jolene's safety with the Kid. Raising her eyes to the heavens above, she begged Jimmy to look out for their little precious baby-girl since she wasn't able to right now. She had a feeling Celia wouldn't care less if something happened to Jolene, she'd probably use her to save herself if she had the chance. _Jimmy please,_ Lou mumbled in her wigil for night to turn into day.

 

 

Celia woke by somebody shaking her shoulder hard. Cracking her eyes open, she stared into eyes that seemed so familiar she had to blink twice before she realized it was Jolene sitting at her side. She seemed unharmed but the streaks of dirt on her cheeks and the eyes shining with fear told Celia how vulnerable the young girl at her side was right now. How badly she needed some comfort. And she was the only one to give that to the daughter of the woman her husband still loved.   
"Jolene, it'll be fine, you'll see," Celia cracked and was startled at the sound of her own voice. It was raspy and sounded anything but comforting.

"Oh Celia," Jolene whispered, "they're gonna kill us all!"

Celia rose into a sitting position and finally remembered what had happened, at least parts of it. She remembered traveling in a wagon on her way to Sweetwater and the newspaper. The girls sitting in the back of the wagon. Hannah? Where was Hannah?

"Sweetheart, do you know where Hannah is?" Celia asked with dread in her voice.

"S-s-she is o-o-kay," Jolene sobbed as Celia embraced her, "s-s-she's g-gettin' water."

Celia stroke Jolene's hair and rocked the girl gently even though every bone in her body screamed in protest at her movements. "We'll find a way out of this, we will. I'll get you home safe and sound."

Hannah appeared in the doorway and Celia smiled at her. The sink Hannah carried fell to the ground as she leaped over to the two.

"Oh God, Celia! I thought you were gonna...."

"Shh, sweetie, we'll get through this all of us. We'll make it somehow."

Hannah's arms wrapped around her neck and Celia freed one arm to place it around the girl's shoulders. Holding both the girls close, she shut her eyes and remembered the men assaulting them on the trail. They weren't a posse looking for a murderer after all, they were murderers hunting victims. Celia swore that neither of the girls she held would be what they seemed designated to become at the hands of these men. As long as she lived, she would protect them, she'd never see another human being tortured and scorned as long as she was capable of stopping it. Whatever it took, she'd not let that happen, she had promised herself that a long time ago. In the instance she looked into the same eyes that kept haunting her for what she thought the last time as she turned and fled for her life. Those eyes had come back to torment her, but she was ready now. She'd make it stop, that man would never hurt anybody again.

 

 

 

Lou watched as Kid paced the kitchen floor with Noah in his arms. The little boy was sleeping already but it seemed Kid hung on to him as a lifeline. She let her eyes wander over the temporary occupant's of the homestead. Rachel sat in the swinging chair, looking blindly at her feet. Matthew at her side, a hand on her arm in comfort. This was the second night of terror they faced and no news, no signs, nothing from the one's out there in the dark somewhere. One of the deputies was keeping watch on the verandah, just in case. And Kid kept wandering over the kitchen floor, his steps unnerved Lou like nothing else. She wanted to scream at him to stop threading on her already tangled nerves. A soft voice carried down from upstairs, Margaret was singing for the girls and Will as she tucked them in. The woman had become their pillar of salt, the one person that seemed to function in the house. Telling them what to do and forcing them to stay composed and somewhat lucid as they all seemed to be balancing on the brink to grief and worry-induced madness, snapping at each other, growling and wheezing. With just one glance at the Kid, she had stopped him from going out again as the sun set. Only thing she wasn't capable of was getting the Kid to stop pacing.

Lou sighed and rested her head against the window frame, staring out into the night, she silently called out to her daughter, telling her to keep strong. She prayed Jimmy would hear her, if he did he would set things straight. _Honey please,_ she mumbled and stared right into the night, hoping to see some signs. _I never needed you as much as I do right now. I never needed anybody like I do right now._

 

 

The door flung open and one of the men stepped inside as darkness fell. Celia scooted to cover the girls with her own body. The man grinned at her and leaned in to get to Hannah. Celia bit him hard as his arm stretched over her.

"Ouch, damn you woman!" The man squealed and shook his arm loose. Staring at the dirt covered small form that fought like a wild cat to protect the girls huddled up at her side, he had to smile. He didn't want no bloodshed, he just wanted the money to start a new life. He was tired of all this. He wanted out. He wanted out about as much as that tiny women and the young girls they held hostage, wanted out.

"Listen, ma'am. I ain't gonna hurt her. She needs to ride home with the ransom note. Nobody's gonna hurt her."

"Ransom note?"

"Yes Ma'am, that Hickok widow owes us 5000 and she'll have to pay to see her daughter ever again. We know she's staying at your place so I guess that husband of yours will pitch in to see you too, won't he?"

"Let them both go!" Celia wheezed, "you're grown men, what do you need girls for?"

The man with a bandana covering his face shook his head. "Sorry Ma'am, can't do that. She needs to go so we can have the money. Don't make it any harder on yourself, Randolph's mad as it is. He won't hesitate to kill you twice."

Celia curled her upper lips. She didn't need this man to tell her that, she had known Robert Randolph long before he had ever set his eyes on him.

"You don't recognize me do you, Celia?"

Celia instinctively pulled her head back as the man crouched in front of her. She awaited another hard blow that would send her into the merciful darkness. But she knew she had to stay awake, she was of no help to anybody unconscious. First she had to get both girls out of here.

"It's me, Freddy, remember?"

In shock Celia moved her eyes to look at the man with new interest. Freddy had been part of Bob's famous mob, but Celia had always sensed he was part of it because of fear more than the pleasure of hitting and hurting. He too looked old now, at least his eyes seemed age old, not the young boy she had encountered at five and lived with until she was twelve and able to escape. Seeing her scrutinize him intently, the man adjusted his bandana so that only the eyes were visible, lowering his hat to further shield his face and identity.

"No I guess you don't. You was kind o' little even then."

Celia wheezed at him.

Freddy chuckled. "Still got that feline feature, don't you? Used to scratch us all something awful whenever you got the chance." Seeing the woman glare at him with hate, he tried a tentative smile. "I won't hurt her Celia, I won't. I never wanted any part of this when I found out you were in the middle. I'm here to see that Randolph does as little damage as possible, coz' he will try his best to hurt anything that comes his way. You know that, Celia. Let this girl go and we'll see what we can come up with," Freddy whispered.

Celia shook her head. "Let both go, all you need is me. I have an ace up my sleeve that you don't know of."

"Huh?" Freddy seemed flabbergasted at her last statement.

"I can get you more money if you let me help. He's gonna want to divorce me and he'll pay for that. But you have to let both girls go or you'll have nothing. I know him!"

Celia could feel the girl's draw their breaths at her surprising, and loud, statement. Rising to stand before Freddy, shielding the girls from him, she buried her eyes into his. "Let them both go and tell the man I need 5000 too, to start a new life so he can go on with his with the Hickok widow in it."

"Celia?" Hannah whispered, "what are you.."

"Hush, girl, you don't understand this. Maybe someday you will but right now you just can't." Celia wanted to cry at the humiliation on Hannah's face as she sneered the last sentence to her. But she had to be credible in her act, this might be the girls' way out of this hellhole.

"Sorry Ma'am can't do that. I'll ride with the girl until it safe, thou'. You don't have to worry about her. I'll see to it she gets home." Taking Hannah's arms, he pulled her to her feet. Hannah started crying in fear. She looked at Celia with plea and Celia had to look away at the bewilderment in the young girl's eyes. "Stay here," Celia told Jolene that started out after the couple. "You just wait here!"

Jolene sank back and looked at her. Celia turned to follow Freddy and Hannah out.

She watched as Freddy blindfolded Hannah and helped her mount a horse. Then he talked to the two men at his side and Bob chuckled happily. In that moment Celia understood she would be able to kill the men that did this. Without a doubt she would send them to hell in a heartbeat, if she only got the chance. She watched as an envelope was reopened and Freddy scribbled something on the paper to carefully fold it and put it back. Then he put the envelope in his pocket and nodded to the men. Tipping his hat, he mounted the saddled horse as Bob turned as walked towards her with a scornful grin on his face.

Bob leaned in and smiled a toothless smile in her direction. "Tried to fool us, didn't ya? Hell you don't know that that husband of yours paid us to kill ya. Seems he wants that Hickok widow bad enough to get rid of you. Didn't know that did ya?"

Celia stared at the man, she didn't believe for a moment he was telling the truth. But something deep inside of her kept asking her if she was sure? Her own mother had deserted her, why wouldn't the Kid? No, he wouldn't not like this!

"He told us he'd reward us abundantly if we took it upon us to get you out of the way. Never told us how thou', that's all up to us. If you wasn't such a dirty stinkin' piece of shit, I'd have some fun with you and maybe, just maybe if you pleased me enough I'd let you live. But since I'm getting all this money, I'll get whatever woman I like won't I? So you'll just have to die, slowly while beggin' me for mercy. You're so ugly ya don't deserve to live anyways."

Celia closed her eyes at the prospect of having to please Bob, she'd rather die.

"I bet your daughters are just as ugly and stupid as you are, ain't they? I can tell you need a real man badly, beggin' for it ain't ya? But you ain't woman enough to have me. Not even worth rapin', one gets sick just lookin' at ya. Maybe I'll go by your house and save those daughter's of yours. Maybe I'll show them what a real women is supposed to be, huh?" He turned to look at the hut where Jolene remained, they heard her quiet, breathless cry.

"If she were your daughter, ya know what I'd do to her, don't you? Still might, mind ya!"

Celia glared back.

His hands crept over her body and he chuckled. "If you weren't that goddamned ugly, I'd have some fun with you". Celia watched Freddy and Hannah ride away and she prayed Freddy would stay true to his words and keep Hannah safe. The third man came up to them and let his eyes wander over her body in overt appraisal. "I don't know what you're talkin' 'bout Bob. This one ain't ugly, heck I've seen you with far worse looking whores than this one."

Bon turned to him and hissed; "Nathan, stay out of this. I'll take care of this bitch, I'll have her cry before this night is over. She made me a laughing stock and now she'll pay for it. In tears of blood."

"You're crazy, Bob. I'd make far better use of her if I were you. Look at her hair!" The man let his fingers run through her hair and Celia gulped for air. "Like gold," the man said dreamily and smiled. Celia was torn between screaming and begging the man to save her. This man was different, maybe she'd have a possibility to see her children again if she did what this man asked? However degrading of demeaning it would be, she'd do it, to stay alive and hug her children once more. For that, she'd do anything.

"Oh I will, I'll have her beg for her life before this night is over. Then I'll send her right to hell where she belongs."

"I'll take you with me," Celia promised.

"Feisty too," Nathan chuckled, "I think she's too much of a woman for you to handle, Bob."

Her old tormentor turned back to her and Celia could read the humiliation in his eyes. His pride had been hurt again. Celia steeled herself for what she knew was coming. Glaring calmly into the eyes of her executor, she spit on him before the fist connected with her ribs and broke them. Falling backwards, she coughed as the ground squeezed the air out of her. Rolling to her side to get out of the way of the hard kicks, she winced in pain and had to bite her lip to stay quiet. Bob was particularly fond of witnessing pain in others. One last kick to her shoulder forced her to lie down on her back. She looked into the barrel of a gun and smiled in Bob's direction as he started to squeeze the trigger. She would not shed one tear, she would not give him that!

"Goddamn it you fool!" Nathan wheezed and kicked the gun out of Bob's hand. But Bob wasn't through with her yet. Freed of the gun he lifted her from the ground and shoved her into the cabin wall instead. He continued his beating until Celia felt the darkness creep up on her. Bob must have sensed she didn't feel any pain longer because he finally let her go and she fell onto the ground. She faintly heard Jolene's cry from inside the cabin. Lifting her eyes to meet Bob's she smiled at him. "See you in hell, Robert Randolph, you ungodly creature."

She watched as Nathan took a hold of Bob and dragged him away, scolding him for his short temper. Shoving a bottle of whiskey in his hand, Nathan told his companion to simmer down. Bob answered by emptying half the bottle before he gave it back. Celia sank to the ground and closed her eyes, she hoped Jolene would have the sense to take the horse and ride out as soon as the men fell into an inebriated sleep.

Wanting to tell the girl what to do Celia dragged herself towards the door. Jolene watched her as she tried to form words with her cracked lips. The darkness finally closed in and dragged her within before she had the time she needed to comfort the girl and tell her what she'd have to do.

Jolene sat as paralyzed, holding on to the door frame with numbing fingers.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note to the reader: This chapter contains extreme physical and psychological violence.

The verbal ruffling and swearing from inside the hut finally subdued and gave way to a loud snoring. Celia finally dared move from her place besides the wall. Jolene was tied up to a hitching pole at the door and her head was hanging. She had finally fallen into an exhausted sleep. Slowly Celia freed her hands and reached to liberate her young friend. Jolene flinched in fear.

"Shhh Jolene, it's time for you to go home." With her index finger, she indicated to the scared young girl to be quiet. Jolene was trembling in fear.

"You'll be on your way soon honey, you'll make it just fine."

Jolene just looked at her with big eyes as Celia groaned and rose to her feet. She would have loved to go with her and take her home safely. But the condition she was in made her realize the only thing she would accomplish by following Jolene was slow her down. She'd be so much better off without her. Celia had to lean on the girl when she steered her to the two horses grazing.

"Jolene, see that bright star right over there?"

Jolene turned her head and looked in the direction. Biting her lower lip she nodded.

"That same star hangs over our homestead too. You just have to follow it. Go straight ahead until you come up on the creek and when you do, just follow that creek straight home. You'll be fine."

The young girl nodded again with her eyes fixed on the star. Celia bowed to free the front legs of the horse. Gulping for air as the ribs reminded her of her predicament. She fought to steady herself and not let the young girl see her pain. It might scare her. She took hold of the saddle and straightened herself up to a standing position. Jolene freed the legs of the second horse.

"Up you go, girl!"

Jolene crawled into the saddle with trembling knees. As she seated herself securely into the saddle, Celia laid a hand on her knee and smiled at her while she gave the girl the reins to the second horse. She would be just fine.

"Let the horse go when you get away from here." Celia said and nodded in the mare's direction.

"Ain't you comin'?"

"I can't sweetheart, somebody's gonna stay behind and stop these bastards. You go home Jolene, go home to your Ma."

"But..."

"No Jolene, go home. Tell Kid and your Ma to take care of each other, tell them I know they'll be happy. I'll look out for you all, I promise"

"Celia!"

"Be nice to your sisters and brother, sweetheart, just promise me that."

Jolene looked at her and her lower lip started trembling.

"Go on girl! Ride out of here like a bat out of hell."

Jolene shook her head and mumbled something. Celia gave the horse's behind a hard slap and it leaped into the darkness. Celia stood there till there was no sight of them any longer, then she sank to her knees.   
"Just you get home girl and everything will be fine."

She remain watching until the sounds of hooves thundering against the hard ground was silenced and the only sounds surrounding her was the stillness of the night. Sinking to the ground, she looked up to the starry sky and wondered if this was the last time she was going to be able to admire the beauty surrounding her. Thinking of Emily and how they both loved sitting on the verandah and learn the names of the different stars, she hoped to God that Lou would sit with her daughter and count the stars until they became dizzy of the multitude. She hoped Lou would take Noah fishing, teaching him to respect and love what nature gave. And Sarah would love getting dressed up like Lou, mimicking her in the beautiful dresses and her civic manners. Kid would be there to help them through it all. _Kid, oh God I hope you will understand that this was my choice, I let you go freely. You need to be with the one you love and I know she'll love you. Maybe not as much as I love you coz' that's impossible. But she'll love you sweetheart and that's what you deserve, you deserve to spend each day with the one you truly love. Just don't forget to admire the moon once in a while._

As the moon faded behind a cloud she rose to meet her tormentor for the final time.

 

 

In the eerie moonlight four pairs of eyes stared at the wagon rolling towards the homestead. Matthew held on to his wife to stop her from running out to meet the deputies on the wagon. He feared that what they were about to hear would forever change their lives. Kid stood silent and tried to make himself breathe normally as the wagon came closer, with every step the horses took, he feared that his dream was over and a nightmare had begun. Lou stood at his side, her fingers were buried into his arm but he barely felt it. His life with Celia flashed before his eyes. The first day he met her, the day she saved him from the soldiers and hid him in the cold cave. The day the soldiers came while they were on the run and she forced him to hide while she affronted the soldier all by herself. God had he been angry with her then as she pointed his own gun on him and shoved him into that tunnel under the mansion. He cursed her every step of the way as he crawled to get to the opening in the clearing. When he ran back and found her calmly walking his way, looking surprised at his frenzied fear that something had happened to her. Blinking idly at him as he rambled on over what a stupid thing she had done. He had yelled at her for an entire hour before he calmed down. She had just eyed him calmly and told him he looked dreadful and desperately needed a bath. Her calm and detachment had him bewildered, she was like nobody he'd ever met before. That was the night they had kissed for the first time, a kiss that made him feel the force of life shoot right through him and for the first time in his entire life, he understood what it meant to desperately need somebody else. Her kisses restored his faith in humanity. As they lay entangled to keep the cold at bay, her warmth spread all through him and kept him safe. That night was the turning point and he slowly found himself again, shedding tears over the past as he told her everything. Experiencing a sense of future when she took his hand and dried his tears. That night he knew and when morning came, he asked her to marry him. Without any hesitation or doubt he asked her to merge her live with his in holy matrimony. Smiling she had told him that all she needed right then was him and the warmth he was giving her. She asked him not to make any plans and capture the day, not to live neither in the future nor in the past, but in today. Kid had understood right there and then that Celia was different from anybody he'd ever met before. She never asked for anything, she made do of whatever there was around. The pictures of her in the field showing the children all the different flowers and on horseback riding past him with a grin flashed before him as the wagon rolled onto the yard. Then he saw her again like that first time he laid his eyes on her, the eyes that had etched themselves into his heart and soul forever. The wagon stopped and Kid more sensed than saw Rachel and Matthew run out of the house as Hannah emerged. Wrapped in a blanket the young girl lifted her hand and waved in their direction.

"Oh God Kid!" Lou exhaled at his side. "Where's Jolene?"

Kid had nothing to say, he watched Matthew take Hannah into his arms and carry her into the house. Rachel cried by now and stumbled after the pair. Wiping her eyes, she followed the two inside, stroking her daughter's hair and wiping her own tears as she did. Somehow the room had gotten so quiet, it was so quiet Kid could hear his own heartbeat, so quiet that all he heard was the heartbeats. Lou dragged him out of the house towards the dreaded sight of the wagon and its possible content.

Mister O'Day," one of the deputies said quietly. "We found miss Hannah walking around, but there was no sight of neither your wife or the other young girl."

Lou sank to her knees in the dirt, Kid knew exactly what she was feeling. The mixture of relief that they weren't dead on the wagon and the desperation that they still had no clue where they were, mingled into a nauseating mixture of emotions raging in his being. Kid wanted to scream and had to fight to get his voice under control.

"No signs at all?" Kid finally cracked."How did she get there? What happened to her?"

"There was this ransom note, the Marshal's got it. He's sent out posses in all possible direction, it shouldn't be long now."

"Ransom?" Kid asked and immediately knew what this was all about. Lou's past had caught up with them all and Celia had to pay for it.

"Don't you worry about it, sir. They won't succeed in their attempt, we'll see to it they don't."

"Who?" Lou asked in hope this wasn't all her fault, that somebody else was behind it all. If they were after Celia, Jolene might be spared.

"They're still alive. The young lady told us the names of the men, they're called Fred and Bob, and a third man whose name is still unknown. That's all she knows. She has no idea where they were being kept, she was blindfolded when they were ambushed and singled out to carry the ransom note back. She saw nothing. She's still in shock and we didn't get much information from her, I'm sorry."

Kid looked at the woman sitting in the dirt and read on her face that she recognized the names. Maybe she knew more about them than she let on? "Lou, do you know something..."

"It's them Kid, it's them. I don't know any Fred but Rob is definitely Randolph."

The deputy crouched at Lou's side and watched her with interest. "You know these men, Ma'am?"

Lou just nodded. Oh yes, she knew the man and she didn't wish for anybody to be at his mercy.

"Ma'am everything you can tell us might be of help."

Lou nodded again and looked to the Kid for support, telling the story all over again would bring all the fears back to the surface. Wishing he would be at her side while she told the deputies, she begged him not to walk away, to help her go through it all again.

Kid extended a hand and helped her to her feet. "Tell 'em everything Lou."

 

 

Lou told her story once again, voice low and shivering. The deputy sitting at the table in front of her, nodding to indicate that he understood. As Lou told the story for the third time in just a couple of days she felt all her hope vanish as her words described the grim truth about the men holding her daughter. She sensed Kid's tension grow as he sat at her side. She wanted to comfort him but she had no words to placate the man at her side.

"I'm ridin' with you," he growled when the deputy rose.

"Sir, we need somebody here. There ain't no way to tell what these lowlifes are up to. I'll gather another posse, we will find some tracks soon."

"I'm comin' with you," Kid repeated stubbornly and walked over to his coat.

"You can't sir," the deputy repeated.

"I can't? What the hell do you mean I can't? My wife's out there and you can't seem to find her. The hell I'm sitting here any longer, I've been listening to you for too long already."

"Kid," Lou warned, "you can't go out there. You're not thinking straight right now, better..."

"Not thinking straight? I'm not thinkin' straight you say? I should have been out there from the start," Kid wheezed in her direction.

"Sir," the deputy started again.

"Get outta my way," Kid growled and tried to push himself past the man.

The man in front of the Kid raised his gun to point at Kid's chest. Kid looked at him like he had gone out of his mind.

"Sir, I'll place you under arrest for obstruction of justice if you don't stay out of this."

"You what?"

"I will, there's no place for you in this. You would not be able to control yourself in a dangerous situation. You would probably get them killed and I can't allow that to happen."

Kid looked like somebody had hit him in his solar plexus. The man backed to the door. "There will be a two deputies placed outside the door, do not attempt to get out of this house. I'm telling you this for your own good, Mister O'Day."

Lou rose to lay a hand on Kid's back. "Please Kid, listen to him. You haven't eaten or slept in days. You're in no shape to hunt down criminals. You'll only make things worse.

Kid shot her a stare that asked how anything possibly could get worse than the actual situation? The sound of feet scurrying down the stairs caught his attention and he turned to watch Emily. The girl had tear stained cheeks and her hair hadn't seen a comb in a couple of days. _Of course not,_ Kid thought, _Angel's not been here to see us through the day._ When the revelation hit him and made him realize all the things she did, he felt like his heart stopped for a moment. He turned to catch his daughter into his arms. "What ar'ya doin up honey, it's late," he mumbled as he lifted the tense body into his arms. "Need some milk and cookies before you go back to sleep?"

"Ma?"

"I still don't know honey. But don't you worry, she'll be back. You know nothing can stop her."

"I'm so afraid Pa," Emily mumbled as her arms encircled his neck. Kid pulled her closer and sat down on a chair with the small frame of his daughter securely wrapped in his arms.

So was he, he was more scared than he had ever been in his life. The battlefields and the destruction and cruelty bared no resemblance to this fear. A fear that she was being abused and harassed, living her own nightmare, maybe even killed already and he was unable to do anything to help her. He was trapped in a fear he couldn't see or touch. That was the hardest part, if he would have a notion on how to confront it, it wouldn't seem as threatening. Right now he couldn't even soothe and calm his own daughter.

Hugging the trembling little girl, he mumbled and stroke her hair until she relaxed in his hold. Lifting her head to look into his eyes, she swallowed her tears; "Pa, I'll go out lookin' for Ma. I swear I'll find her Pa."

"Hush Bright Eyes, you'll stay right here. We will just have to wait."

"I can't," Emily mumbled and tucked her head under his chin.

"I know," Kid said softly and felt tears well in his own eyes. "I know, but right now we have to." He mumbled soothingly to the frightened girl until she fell asleep in his lap. Yes, all they could do right now was wait and hope. But he knew he wouldn't wait for long. As soon as morning came and those deputies diverted their attention, he'd be out looking for her. He owed her so much more than that, but right now that was the only thing he could do for her. Lifting his eyes to look out the window, his gaze fell on Lou watching him.

 

 

Lou saw the steely expression in those blue eyes and she knew meant he had made up his mind and was just waiting for the right moment. He had a plan and she decided he wouldn't do it on his own, she'd follow him. She'd go through hell and back to save her daughter, there was nothing stopping her. If she lost Jolene now, there would not be any reason for living any longer, none at all.

Rachel came down the stairs and stopped by Kid's chair. "I'm sorry, Kid, for yellin' at you. Didn't mean to...it was just that...I'm sorry."

Kid raised his head and looked into Rachel's eyes. Nodding he reassured the woman that he understood.

"She'll be fine Kid, Hannah said she was fine."

Kid looked straight into her eyes and Rachel knew he saw right through her. Kid's eyes had turned a darker shade and Rachel read the desperation and fear in them. Feeling guilty for her good fortune, she broke the eye contact and looked at Lou. Her friend was staring at her with her jaws clinched tight together

"Rachel, tell us what she remembers!"

"Lou," Rachel began awkwardly, casting a glance in Kid's direction. "It's not much but Jolene was fine, she wasn't hurt. Celia saw to it."

"Oh, thank you God," Lou exhaled and had to seat herself down at the table. "Yhank you, God."

Kid watched her with scorn in his eyes. Lou felt the cold stare penetrate her bones. She hadn't meant to sound selfish and petty, of course she cared about Celia too. But if it came to choosing between the two, she'd sacrifice Celia's life in a heartbeat and somehow Kid sensed that.

"I didn't mean it like that," she mumbled in Kid's direction.

"Oh yes, you did," Kid retorted calmly. "Come on Bright Eyes, Margaret's comin' over to make breakfast early tomorrow morning, why don't you get yourself settled in. I'll come tuck you in later." Rising to let the girl down, he watched her as she ran upstairs to her room. She had the same quick soundless movements as Celia, he thought as he watched her disappear with the speed of lightning. Turning back to Lou, he watched her for a moment and then he shook his head and walked to follow his daughter upstairs and check on his children.

"Come on, Lou," Rachel begged, "get some rest. We can't do anything until morning."

"Kid," Lou started towards him, wanting to tell him she was sorry about this whole ordeal. She wanted him to understand how important Jolene was in her life. Goddammit she was her daughter, her everything, didn't he understand that? "She's your daughter too!"

"Lou, please, leave him alone right now," Rachel begged. Knowing the Kid, she knew that the calm he exposed was only superficial and underneath it lay a dangerous whirlwind of sentiments that might become explosive if stirred.

"But..."

"Lou, please, leave him alone."

Lou nodded and did as she was asked. Right know it felt like she didn't know the Kid at all. Maybe she never had? She sat back down on the settee bear the window, looking out, waiting for her daughter to stand on the stairs and wave at her, telling her all had been a misunderstanding. Everybody was fine. This was not really happening, this couldn't really be happening.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note to the reader: This chapter contains extreme physical and psychological violence.

Celia proceeded cautiously towards the hut. She had to disarm those men in some manner and now that Jolene was safely out of danger, it was high time it got done. As drunk as they were, there shouldn't be any problem disarming the bastards and have them pay for all the fierce blows and violence they had distributed so eagerly. Smiling she pictured their faces as they found themselves on the other end of the barrel. _Damn it, don't go thinking about revenge now. Keep you head cool and do what you need to do to get out of this mess. You have to see to it that those men don't get the upper hand on you._

Holding her breath, she opened the door in a slight crack. Both men lay on their beds, snoring with open mouths. Celia smirked in disgust. If only her legs would obey her, but the left one felt limp and powerless and her right hand was immobile at her side. The pain made her lose full control over her body. Concentrating hard, she slid through the crack in the door and exhaled in relief as she barely avoided bumping into the bunk at her left. Now there was maybe five steps to the gun on the man's hip but those five steps seemed like a thousand miles, there was the table and the chair right in her way. She would have to take a detour not to bump into them. Celia looked down on her leg and cursed it silently. She would have to take one step at the time. With a deep intake of air that smelled of liqueur and dirt, she pushed forward.

She smiled as she reached the man and lay her hand on the gun, it had almost been too easy. Holding her breath, she eased the gun into her own hand. The click from the cocking of a gun had her heart skip a beat. She turned to the man lying on the other bed. His hand held a gun pointing to her. Their eyes met over the metal promise of death and Celia knew she wouldn't be able to shoot.

"What the hell are ya doin?"

Celia stared at the man. She had been so close, so incredibly close and now it was all over. His angry voice woke her tormentor up and he peered at her, momentarily caught off guard. His eyes hardened as they focused on Celia holding the gun.

"Ya thought you'd get me didn't ya, you ugly little piece of shit."

The voice vibrating of full-blown hate and scorn froze Celia to her place, staring into the cold eyes of the man who belittled her and tormented her for years until she was able to escape the whole situation. He still made her feel utterly powerless.

"Bob, calm down, don't do anything rash! There's that ransom, remember?"

"Shut up you fool, can't you see, she's doin' it again!" Jerking the gun out of the other man's hand, he turned it on the woman in front of him. "Always thought you were better, didn't ya? Lookin' down on me, disobeying me. Don't you know that whatever I say is the law? Never learned, did ya?"

Celia stared at the gun and waited for the flames as it went off. Praying it would kill her instantly. Asking her children for forgiveness for everything she had ever done to them.

"Goddammit Bob, I'll handle this..."

The explosion had Celia jump in fear. Then she saw Nathan stare at his companion with bewilderment. Blood started pouring out of his mouth as he helplessly fell onto his back on the bunk. He coughed and wheezed as his eyes turned void and his body convulsed violently. Celia wanted to scream at the sight of naked death. Cruel and relentless, taking without asking. She knew she was next.

The man turned to her and smiled. "You'll be next you useless piece of crap. But you won't die so soon, you'll have plenty of time to beg me."

"Then shoot," Celia cracked, the man's promises were worse than any imaginable death. At least it would be over, waiting for the bullet was harder than facing death.

"What?" The man was astonished, glaring at her like he didn't believe what she just had said.

"Shoot you idiot! Shoot!"

Celia watched as the barrel sunk slightly at her words. And she now knew that she would have to kill, though everything she was denied her this action, it seemed like there was nothing left. The man wouldn't shoot her and get her out of her misery, no he enjoyed her fear too much for that. He would have her lingering on the brink of death just to watch her desperation. It was up to her to end it. "If you don't then, by God I'll do it Bob, I'll send you out of your misery."

"A piece of shit like you? Hell, not even your own mother wanted you coz you're worth no..."

Celia aimed at the shoulder and squeezed the trigger, stumbling backwards from the force as the gun went off.

The man yelped in pain and lost the gun. Crashing up against the wall behind him, he let out a sound that would forever follow Celia. _I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't want this to happen,_ she though as she tried to get up on her feet and away from the man. Her legs didn't obey her and she desperately clawed her way around the table to get to the door. Hearing scuffles behind her, she knew the man had found his gun. Turning around she stared at him, the gun raised and tears rolling down his face, he grimaced in pain and defeat.

"Why? Why Ma, why didn't ya stop me? You should have stopped me!"

Celia stepped back as his voice had become that of a little child. Bob's eyes were glazed as he continued; "I never meant to hurt her Ma, I promise. She was my little sister! I loved her! It just happened, you shouldn't have sent me away. I would have been good."

"It's okay Bob, I know you didn't..." Her sentence was cut off short as the sound of a gun deafened her and threw her up against the door. She felt no pain only a bottomless fear of what she was about to encounter. But a voice in the back of her head said she deserved it, her mother's voice. Like in a dream, she raised the gun and aimed it at the man. But she just couldn't shoot, she just couldn't end another life. No matter what had happened or what would happen, she was unable to take a life. It was true, she wasn't even capable of saving herself, she was nothing.

The door behind her opened and with another explosion echoing in her head, she fell into a chilling dark void.

 

 

Lou sank down at Hannah's bed, the girl's face still streaked with dirt and traces of tears. Looking down at the exhausted girl sleeping uneasily in the bed, Lou wished with her whole heart it would have been Jolene. She would have given anything to have Jolene in that bed. Knowing she was being selfish and unfair, she clenched her hands into fists, hating the world for what it had brought to her. What it was making her become. First the loss of her husband and now this, the loss of a child. It was so unfair she couldn't believe it. Raising her head, she asked God why? Why would she have to go through all this, didn't he say each and everyone would get his or hers? Was this really hers? And if so, why?

The door opened and Rachel rushed into the room. "Lou, you gotta come!" Her face was ashen and her voice tense. Lou rose to her feet dreading the next words like nothing before in her life.

"W-w-w-hat's happenin'?"

Rachel didn't talk, instead she put an arm around Lou's shoulders and dragged her out of the room. Lou stumbled, her body stiff as a pillar, her mind already readying itself to the grim news. Pictures of a beaten, tortured Jolene danced before her eyes when she stumbled down the stairs behind Rachel.

Then she stopped stone-cold, seeing Kid standing in the hall, with Jolene in his arms. Lou's lips started to tremble at the sight of Kid's face. It was drained of all color, his jawline tight.

"My baby," Louise sobbed as she flung herself in the pairs direction. "No, no, no, not my baby!"

"Louise," Rachel whispered urgently behind her, "she's fine. Kid found her, she's just fine! Trust me, she's fine." Looking at the man holding the young girl in his arms, he seemed like he had lost all hope. Sneaking out to search for his wife, he had come upon Lou's daughter instead. Rachel realized he was cursing them all for stopping him from doing what he thought most important right now. She wondered how he had found the strength to turn back with Jolene and hadn't left her where she was found and continued on his own. Reaching out to put a comforting hand on his shoulder, she tried to make him understand how grateful they were for his decision.   
"You did the right thing, Kid," she told him only to receive a brief glare.

Lou forgot to breathe when the girl in Kid's lap turned to her and extended the arms to be hugged. Kid let her down from his arms and she fell into her mother's lap. Sobbing heart-breakingly, trembling and clinging to Lou like she used to do when she was just a little baby and had hurt herself. Lou sank to the floor and took the precious load into her embrace. Rocking the girl in her lap, all she could say was; "Thank you God, Thank you God, everything will be just fine sweetheart. Mommy's gonna see to it nothing happens to you ever again. Ma's gonna keep you safe forever, I love you sweetheart, I swear to God nothing's gonna happen to you ever again. Thank you God for keepin' her safe."

Jolene wrapped her arms around Lou's neck. "Oh Ma, I-I-I was so a-a-fraid. I-I-I think, I think they k-k-k-killed Celia! A-and that ain't fair. S-she helped m-me escape!"

Lou looked up on the ashen Kid standing a few feet away from them. The look on the man's face had Lou ask for forgiveness for her selfishness. Kid looked down on them for a moment, then he turned and walked out.

 

 

 _Her mother's face hovered over her. She tried to get away from the anger that oozed out of the eyes that pierced hers. The wagon rolled over a stone and she fell to her knees, hanging on to the reeling for dear life. Johnny was sleeping, nothing bothered him when night fell, he always slept._

 _"You gotta wait here, I'll come back for ya I promise."_

 _"But Ma..."_

 _"Shhh, don't wake your brother, he needs his sleep, he's been working hard all day. You ain't done nothing, You're ruining my life, he won't marry me if he gets to know about you. Nobody likes crying babies and you cry all the time! I should never have had you, I tried everything to get rid of you. You should never have been born at all!"_

 _Those words were like opening a fountain. "Ma," she whispered in tears, "I'll be good, I promise I'll be good. I'll do anything...."_

 _"Just shut up and wait here for us. Don't utter one word or ya know the devil's gonna come after ya."_

 _"I..."_

 _"Just shut up and get down off this wagon!" The hard grip on her upper arm had her wince. Then she flew down to the hard packed ground. The pain as she scraped her palms on the sand had her bite her lips hard. She would be a good girl, she wouldn't cry. When the wagon started rolling away, desperation enfolded her. She was afraid of the dark and Johnny had promised to never leave her alone. Barefoot she ran after the wagon but she was too slow, it disappeared fast into the darkness. Remembering her mother's words not to wake her brother up, she whispered his name instead, hoping he would understand. But he didn't come back and she sank to her knees on the trail.  
"Johnny?" A cry from the woods had her eyes fill with tears again. The devil was coming to get her. But she wouldn't cry, no she wouldn't cry._

 

Fred carried the woman to the creek. He knew he shouldn't have left her alone with the men, those men were not right in their heads. _How the hell did I get involved in this? I never meant to hurt anybody, I just needed the money to save my homestead and my family. Now I'm most certainly gonna be hanged for this. Goddammit, this was not supposed to happen._

Laying the woman down by the pond, he knew there was only one thing that would save him, saving this woman would restore some of the damage he had done. And maybe he then somehow would be able to live with himself. He had to get that bullet out of the tiny body and get her some help. "Forgive me sweetheart, I shouldn't have left you alone with those hideous characters. I should have saved you but I didn't. I'll do my best now. Don't worry, I'll get you home where you belong."

He walked back to the hut, taking the knife and a battle of whiskey together with all the blankets he found in the hut. That was all he had and that had to be enough. Kneeling down at her side he started a small fire in a vane hope to keep her warm. He cringed at the sight of the gash above her ear, she had hit the head hard against the door as she fell. But she was still breathing and that was all he needed to give his best.

Working in silence, he bandaged the gash on her head and tried to stop the blood gushing from her side. To his relief the bullet had gone clean trough her but he didn't know how much internal damage it had done. It seemed to have shattered a couple of ribs and he knew full well that might mean a collapsed lung. Her arm was broken too and when he lifted it to get to her injured side, pipes of bone seared through the delicate skin. He was ready to faint at the sight. He had gone soft since he left the position as a medic in the army. He had planned to become an ordinary man with an ordinary life and look where life had brought him. With his only clean shirt, he set the arm straight against a wooden stick from the hut. When he tightened the bandages, her eyes flickered open and she mumbled something.

"I'll take care of you girl," he comforted her as she stared confused into his eyes. "I'll get that husband of yours to come and get you, don't worry, little one. You'll be just fine!" Celia blinked again and Fred wasn't sure she understood him. She repeated something that sounded like "Johnny" before her eyes closed again. She wouldn't make it if she didn't get real medical help and soon. Those men following him couldn't be too far, he had to give them a beacon to follow. The last of the whiskey served as fuel as he took a burning twig and threw it into the hut. The men were dead and didn't deserve a funeral, what they deserved was the flames of hell. The fire would not reach Celia, the sand would prevent that. She was safe, at least from the flames. He watched in silence as the flames consumed the dry wood of the hut. Walking back to the woman on the sandy bank of the pond, he put the last blanket under her head for support.   
"You'll be fine, they'll be here soon. They'll take you home. Forgive me, Celia."

He turned and walked to his horse without glancing back at the woman. If he would have turned he wouldn't find the force to ride on, he knew that. But there were others depending on him. It was wrong, so incredibly wrong to just leave her there. "God forgive me," he said as he rode away, hoping his fire would do the trick and bring her home in time. But he knew he'd forever live with the guilt and the fear that nobody had found her and that she had died all alone, and it would all be his fault. He should have seen what was coming. He should have stopped it, but he had never been strong enough.

Not at the orphanage and not now.

 

 

 

"Kid wait!"

Lou ran after the man riding out of the homestead, Jolene was fine. The doctor had told her she was just exhausted from the long ride and the terror she had subdued for during the captivity. She was not able to give them much information from where she had come. Between hiccups she had told them that she kept her eyes closed most of the time, letting the horse choose it's own way until they came up on the creek Celia had told her about. Kid had drawn some conclusions from her tale, Lou could tell by the way his lips formed a thin line. Lou had sensed there was nothing stopping the Kid when he rose to his feet and walked out of the room. She barely had time to get into more practical clothes while Rachel and Matthew tried to keep him back. He'd be arrested if he interfered but Kid didn't seem to mind. He was going to look for Celia, come hell or high water. Lou ran as fast as she could, hollering at him to wait. Kid halted the horse and turned in the saddle.

"What now?" He lashed out angrily at her.

"I'll come with you, Dave's saddlin' a horse. Doc and Dave's comin' with the buckboard. You can't go alone Kid, you need more than one gun. Tell me what you know and I'll follow. Goddammit man, listen to reason!"

"I don't need your help, Lou. I'll find her by myself. You stay with your daughter." His voice revealed the bitterness he felt towards her. And Lou couldn't blame him.

"Kid, please, I need to help Celia. I need to thank her for saving my daughter's life. Don't take that away from me."

"It might be too late, Lou. And if it is, Lou...by God...."

"No Kid, I promise, I won't be too late." She hang on to the reins, stopping him from going without her. Cursing Dave for taking this long saddling the horse. Kid's grip on the reins was so hard the horse moved uneasily under him. Relieved Lou watched Dave come running out of the barn with a bay at his side. Kid sighed and shook his head.

"Just don't hold me back, Lou. I won't care if you fall and break your neck. I'm goin' to get Celia and nothing's gonna stop me! I owe her too much to let anything stop me right now."

"I know," Lou mumbled as she swung herself up. Looking over her shoulder to thank Dave for his help, she spotted a bright light on the black sky. Then she saw the smoke forming gray clouds above the light. "Oh God!"

Kid turned at her exclamation. Lou lifted a shaky finger to point in the direction.

Without a word Kid kicked the horse into a wild pace. Lou followed.

 

 

 _It was cold, freezing as she walked in the darkness. There were no lights whatsoever where she stumbled barefoot on the hard trail. The stones digging into her tender soles. She had no idea why she was here, where was her family? They were going out West, her brother had told her so. They'd have horses and cats and all kind of animals when Ma married that handsome Mr. Ecl- - Elc - Egg...she never could get that name right. She didn't remember and her tongue wouldn't let her say it right either. But she remembered her own name, Celia Rappaport, daughter of a useless prick as her mother always had told her. Longing to be in her Nana's loving arms, she continued walking. "Celia" she told herself, "Ma told you Nana's gone to heaven and is never comin' to see you again. Nana don't like dirty, smelly girls like you. Nana left becoz' of you." Looking up into the sky, she wondered if Nana could see her now? Nana didn't have to come down from heaven, if she only would tell her where to go?_

 _They had to be close, Ma said they were gonna come get her. Why did it take them this long? Was it becoz of mister Egg? She never liked the way mister Egg looked at her. Knowing he didn't like little girls, she stayed away from him, but her Mama said she loved r. Egg. Not knowing exactly what loving was, she knew it meant that one had to leave everything and follow when love struck. She was afraid of her Ma, if she found out how dirty she had gotten her dress, she'd spank her. She had to find her brother and have him help her. It was so hard to breathe, she didn't seem to get enough air. Trying to yell for her brother only had a hoarse whisper came out of her mouth.  
"Johnny!"   
The devil must be trying to drag her to hell, his claws were piercing her arm and she couldn't move. She screamed silently for help, why didn't anybody help her? The devil was taking her and nobody seemed to care.   
"Johnny?" She tried again but she wasn't sure if any words came out at all._

 _There was no other answer than a strange sound from the woods. ´Who-o-o!' Celia ran to the high grass to hide from the eerie sounds her screams had made the trees answer with. She curled up into a ball, hiding her face in her arms while she cried. The hunger tore her bowls and her fingers gripped the dried grass in front of her. Having lost her favorite rag to comfort her, she put the grass in her mouth and suckled it eagerly, to still both her hunger and the fear.  
"Johnny," she sobbed, "Johnny please don't leave me alone. Ya know I'm scared of the dark!" All the sound of the night seemed to haunt her, the devil was after her and she had no place to hide. The hurt was in her whole body, throbbing in her limbs, making her powerless. Johnny didn't come, nobody came. She was all alone._

 _"I'll be good," she whispered to herself, repeating it until her mouth got so dry she could not speak anymore. The grass gently caressed her cheek and she remembered nothing more._

 

 

Next time she opened her eyes there was a huge fire at her side and she knew she was in hell. The devil had gotten her and the flames were going to devour her. A face was hovering over her, looking at her, calling her name. A sharp pain shot through her and she closed her eyes, knowing this was her fate, that's what small girls got for crying when told not to. The flames would engulf her and keep her prisoner in eternity, she had never really believed in any God but now she had seen the Devil.

This was what happened to girls that didn't belong, girls that never should have been born at all.


	13. Chapter 13

Kid wouldn't let the horse rest until it breathed so heavily Kid was afraid it would drop. "I'm sorry," he mumbled and patted the neck, "we'll take it slower."

Throwing himself off the horse's back, he took the reins and walked along side the horse, having it recuperate faster without his weight. The mare had stamina, he knew that, but enough was enough. He wouldn't kill the horse like this, that wouldn't take him to Celia any faster. The sounds of hooves thundering in his direction had Kid cock his gun. Lou rode up to him and flung herself off her horse. "Goddammit Kid, you're killing the horse. What the hell.." She grew quiet as she picked up the sounds of the approaching horses. She had a hard time following in Kid's pace on foot, but she knew his gun was cocked and she was afraid he'd shoot without thinking.   
"Kid, it might be help, drop that gun before you do something you'll most certainly will regret."

Kid threw her an annoyed glance. The woman was annoying the hell out of him. "Shut up Lou, just shut up!"

Lou knew that tone of voice, the same one he used that day she tried to talk to him about Doritha. He was intent on suffering in silence and God forbid somebody tried to help him. _You idiot,_ Lou thought to herself, _never ready to listen to anybody else when your mind's set, are you?._ Shaking her head in desperation, she diverted her eyes in the direction of the sound. In the darkness two men appeared, Lou immediately recognized the palomino one of the deputies was riding.   
"Kid," she warned, "it's Hinsley."

Kid finally let his gun sink and waited in tension until the men halted in front of them.

"Mister, we found her!"

Kid took one step up to the man and jerked him out of the saddle.

"Hey!" Deputy Hinsley protested when he found himself on the ground. Stunned to silence, he watched the usually so placid Mister O'Day mount the horse and ride off. "Horse-theft," he muttered to Lou that had placed herself at his side, yanking at his collar. "Reason enough to hang'm!"

"Is she okay?!" Lou yelled into his ear.

"Well, uh, I don't know, Marshal told me to get the Doc."

"He's comin', you stay here and watch our horses."

"What?" Deputy Hinsley stared at the woman stalking up to his wide-eyed companion still sitting on the horse, not believing what was happening.

"Get down off that horse," Lou ordered the young deputy. By the determined tone of voice, he quickly decided to oblige. Hinsley had lost control and this woman had taken over.

"You listen to me," she told the young man glaring incredulously at her from the ground. "You wait here for the Doc and Dave and when they arrive you give'm our fresh horses and have them ride like hell. You follow with the wagon. Understand?"

The young deputy's eyes wandered over to Hinsley, still sitting in the dirt, unable to get a grip of the situation.

"Understand?" The woman on the horse insisted and MacCaffee nodded.

"Jeez, that took you long enough," the woman said and spurred to horse into a wild pace.

MacCaffee was left staring after the pair until they disappeared in the dark. "W-who was that?"

"The Hickok widow," Hinsley muttered as he rose.

"Oh!"

"I guess we better do as she told us to," Hinsley muttered. "If she's half what her husband was, ya know what will happen if we don't." Making a very distinctive sign with his fingers sliding across his throat, Hinsley smirked.

Young MacCaffee stirred nervously. "Yessir, I think you're right."

"No doubt about it."

 

 

 

 _She was lying in a wagon, covered in a thick quilt. She heard the people that had found her talking up front. They called her a smelly little thing. Celia's tears started running again, she had never meant to wet herself but all those sounds in the woods had her so scared. Now the wagon rolled slowly onwards, away from Johnny. Where was her brother? He had promised to take care of her. Where was her Nana, she too had promised that nothing bad would happen to her? Where were they when she walked that trail? Out in the open everything seemed so big. She had been walking aimlessly that whole day, her tears had dried out by now. Johnny was nowhere to be found and she didn't even know where to look. When it got dark again, she hid in the long grass at the edge of the trail. Awakened by a huge dark shadow, she couldn't move from the fear that had her stomach turn. The shadow bent over her and said "Oh God." Celia was too afraid to react. Stiffened to her place, she felt hands around her waist and then she flew up from her hiding place._

 _"It's a girl, Christine, oh God, it's a little girl!"_

 _A woman's face appeared and Celia closed her eyes, waiting for the hand to spank her for messing up the dress._

 _"Oh Carl, where's her folks? What is she doin' out here?"_

 _"Somebody must have left her days ago, she's stinkin'!"_

 _"Carl, take the quilt and wrap her, she's gotta be freezin'. We gotta turn back and take her to a doctor."_

 _Then the two of them started mumbling and Celia's tears started flowing again. Maybe these folks would help her find Johnny? If she was very very good maybe they would help her? The man set her down on a coarse quilt and wrapped her tightly inside. The woman helped her drink out of a canteen. Celia had never tasted anything so sweet before. Tears ran down her cheeks until the surroundings got blurry and she just couldn't see clearly any longer._

 _"Don't cry," a voice told her and Celia stopped, she'd do anything for these people. Anything to have them help her find Johnny._

 _She was lying in the rolling wagon, listening to them talking. She couldn't make out what they were saying. Only occasional words slipped trough to her. Words like 'do with her' 'orphan' 'godforsaken' spoken in a harsh tone of voice. Then a flash of light seared through her eyelids and she looked up into a pair of dark brown eyes, hardly distinguishable from the darkness. "Oh my God!" The voice was full of disgust and Celia closed her eyes again as the pain rolled in over her, drowning her within its grip. I'll be good, she wanted to tell the voice but nothing came out . Instead the chill came back and the darkness swallowed her._

 

 

Lou arrived to watch Kid push the Marshal aside and fall to his knees. Breathlessly she scrambled down from the horse while it was still running and fell to her knees in the dirt before she regained her balance. The Marshal silently re-holstered his gun and shook his head at the sight of her. Sinking to her knees at Kid's side, she watched his face in the light of the small fire, hoping to see some sign of relief. The heat from the still burning remains of a building and the smoke had her shudder at the thought of what had been going on here. Afraid of looking at the woman, she looked at the Kid instead. He hovered over the lump covered in blankets. Afraid to touch her, his hand trembled when he carefully lowered it to touch the bruised cheek. Swallowing audibly, he lowered his thumb to run it along the line of her cheek.   
"Angel?" His voice trembled and Lou finally dared divert her eyes to the woman.

Watching Celia, the tears blinded her. The hair was covered with blood, hanging in dirty stripes over a bandage, her left cheek was black from a bruise covering half of her face. One arm laying outside the blanket was heavily bandaged with what seemed to be pieces of a shirt. A wooden stick told its telltale. But she was still breathing, although shallowly and fast. Lou looked back at the Kid.   
"Kid, she's alive. She'll make it, Kid!"

Kid didn't even notice her speak. His thumb continued to caress the right side of Celia's face, tears running down his ashen face and dropping onto the woman he was caressing.

"Kid, she'll be fine, I promise. Move aside and let me have a look. Maybe I can help her?" Moving to be able to examine her closer sparked life back into the Kid. He pushed her away and and took Celia into his arms. Carefully positioning her into his lap, he bent down to kiss his wife on the cracked lips. Without even turning his head, he told Lou to leave them alone.

Lou cast a glance on the Marshal walking up to them, wanting to know what had happened.

Reading the question in her eyes, Marshal Dolan shook his head. "I don't know, we found her like this. Looks like someone took care of her before they left. The hut was already on fire and we still don't have a clue who did all this. I sent men to get the Doc, I just hope they'll get here in time. All we can do is wait."

In that moment Lou knew exactly what Kid was going through and she extended a hand to lay it on his tense back. "She'll be fine."

"I told you to go away Lou, if you hadn't come none of this would have happened, just go, please!" The resentment in his voice had Lou jerk her hand away. The sorrow tightening her throat. There was nothing she could do to ease his pain and she knew that far too well. He didn't need her, he needed Celia.

 _Oh God, I never meant for this to happen, forgive me God for the thoughts. I never wanted it to happen. I didn't!_ She prayed while she watched the pair. Not really knowing what to do, she still felt she needed to be there for the Kid. He was talking softly to the still woman, holding her like he was afraid she'd disappear out of sight.

Lou felt her own tears starting to roll down her cheeks. Kid must be hurting so bad right now and deep inside she knew she wasn't able to be of any comfort. Not like she used to be, the notion that he was so vulnerable right now awoke the need to protect him. Kid tenderly stroke Celia's front with his thumb, talking so softly Lou couldn't make out what he said, but by the tone of his voice it sounded like he was praying.

Then Celia made a sound and Lou's turned her attention to her.

"That's it Angel, wake up. I'm here, it's over," Kid murmured with his lips on her front.

 _Not the best choice of words,_ Lou thought and moved closer. "Kid, let me look at her, maybe I can help."

Kid didn't even hear her, he continued his humming mumble, relentlessly stroking Celia's front with his thumb, calling her name and begging her to wake up.

"Kid let her go, I think she needs water, let me help you." Having to shake him hard to get his attention, she repeated what she just had said. "We need to get some water into her, look her lips are cracking up. Listen Kid, try and find some cloth and I'll go get some water, you can hold her, just help her get some water." Kid nodded and Lou turned to the Marshal crouched by their side. "I need a canteen or something."

The man nodded and walked to his horse. Returning with what she had asked for, handing it to her. Nodding her thanks to the man, she turned to fill it with fresh water. She had made so many mistakes and saving Celia was the only right thing she hoped to accomplish right now. Not just for the love she saw in Kid's eyes but for herself, she needed to thank her for her daughter's life. Kid had removed his shirt and covered Celia in it, Lou smiled sadly at his incoherent behavior. He was in shock, that much was clear but she hoped he's still be able to help her save Celia.

"I said some cloth, you didn't have to remove your shirt, you fool," she scolded him as she sank down on her knees at their side. She felt like blushing watching him sit there without his shirt on, there was no way to deny her vivid attraction, if not to the Kid at least to the memories of the Kid.

"She's freezin," Kid mumbled and secured his grip on Celia. "my little one's freezin' and I can't help her."

Lou looked at him teetering on the brink of hysteria, she knew the signs, she had been there herself the day they told her Jimmy had died. Putting her hand on Celia's shoulder, she noticed she was shivering. "Kid, that's a good sign, it means she's still reacting. She's not really cold Kid, it's the shock..."

"She's so cold," Kid repeated and Lou groaned, he was not to be reckoned with right now, he was not thinking at this point, he was just a bundle of nerves.

Taking the sleeve of his shirt, she soaked it into the water. Giving it to the Kid she talked to him like he was five years old. "Put this in her mouth and if she suckles try to wake her up. We need her awake to swallow, understand?" Kid nodded and took the soaked part, hesitating before touching her cracked lips, he threw Lou a glance.

"You won't hurt her Kid, just see to it she gets some water. Don't have her swallow if she's not fully awake, understand?"

Kid bent down to kiss Celia's brow and Lou saw his tears fall on the blood streaked forehead. There was something so odd with this scene, just as the Marshal had pointed out. Celia had been taken care of by somebody, but who? The bandages around the head and hand bewildered Lou, they were put on by somebody who knew what they were doing. What exactly had happened here? Who had been around to help her and probably save her life in the process? Shielding her from the cold and alerting them to her side? Where was that person now? She didn't bother to point that out to the Kid, he wasn't coherent right now. No use having him ponder on who did this and why. Only thing he saw was the pain. Lou had to wipe her own tears at the sight of his despair, she would forever love that caring side of the Kid.

But he wasn't hers to love any longer. She finally realized that, his heart was now owned by the woman in his arms and she should have understood that a long time ago. Jimmy had been hers like Celia was Kid's and Kid was a one woman's man and would always be. _Jimmy,_ she prayed, _help me save her!_ Knowing her husband would help her any way he could, she looked up to the sky as she rose to immerse the canteen into the fresh water running in the small creek at their side. Turning back, she looked down and on Kid's tears mingling with the blood on Celia's cheeks. _I'll never forget you Jimmy, I know know how powerful our love was, I've seen it in Kid and Celia. We shared the same burning love and I'll just have to wait till I join you. I know that now._

Celia moaned and opened her eyes.

"Angel," Kid cried into the golden hair. "I love you."

 _And I love you,_ Louise told her husband in heaven as she turned to the Marshal at her side, giving him an encouraging smile, maybe, just maybe things would finally turn out right. _Jimmy would help her._

 

 

 _Loving arms wrapped around her and carried her into the light. She sank into a warm sensation that rinsed her pain away. A voice mumbled softly to her, stilling her fear. A heartbeat at her ear, rocking her into peace, giving her the force to open her eyes._

 _The most beautiful eyes she had ever seen looked into hers. "Angel" a voice said, "Angel wake up." She tried to smile at the beautiful eyes, wishing they'd never leave her. The devil was gone and she was in heaven, embraced by an angel, brought back to safety. She wanted to thank the angel with the bluest of eyes but she couldn't move her lips. Tears of gratitude welled behind her eyelids, she wanted to touch that face. But the blue eyes were slowly filling with tears of their own and she panicked. No she couldn't make an angel cry, no no, he'd go away and leave her again if she did. No, she shouldn't make angels cry, crying was dangerous. Crying was bad. She closed her eyes to shield the angel from the ugliness in her threatening tears._

 _"I'm sorry," she told the angel. But she was too late, a teardrop from the angel fell onto her cheek. Please don't cry, she wanted to tell the angel, please don't cry. Tears are not allowed, tears send you to hell. She knew that and she wanted to tell the angel, she had been there and it was not a pretty place, there were devils and fires and eternal pain. She could not let that happen to an angel. But she just didn't have the strength to tell the beautiful angel this, to warn him. _I've sent and angel to hell,_ she thought while strange shadows danced under her closed eyelids, the shadows came closer and hauled her into the dark._

 

 

Having finally gotten water into Celia Lou found it safer to make Kid let go of her so she could examine her . She was badly bruised but the bleeding had been stopped by the bandages. Still she seemed to have lost a lot of blood and Lou was afraid to get Kid's hopes up. She kept talking to the Kid to ease his distress but she doubted he was listening. His hands trembled as they gently stroke the wrinkled quilt on Celia's chest, evening it out, covering her.   
Holding his wife's hand in a tight grip, he reluctantly let go to enable Lou to take a closer look. Celia was nearing consciousness and moaned every time Lou touched her, making Kid throw her murdering glances. Lou decided not to mind him, he was just being the old overprotective Kid and she was glad his desperation had given way to animosity towards her. At least she didn't have to worry too much about him too at this stage. As Kid took the shirt and started wiping the blood off Celia's face, her hand came up and she briefly reached for her husband but then her hand sank back.   
"I'm sorry," she mumbled and Kid's tears dripped down onto her eyelashes.

"Angel, what for? Angel please come back, everything is fine, you'll be fine, just come back to me."

"Kid, she probably hit her head or something, I don't think she knows..."

"Hush Angel, don't worry, I'll help you, I won't let anybody hurt you. Just be still and let me wipe all this blood from your face, just let me take care of you sweetheart. I know it hurts, baby, I know. You'll feel better soon, you'll get all better when we can take you home and make you heal. Lou, you gotta do something to help her!"

"Kid, we have to wait for the Doc. We can't move her around too much. Understand?"

Kid looked at her like he wanted to hit her.

"Kid, listen to me, if she has a concussion she shouldn't be moved. It will only make her worse, in fact it might kill her. Do you understand me?"

Celia moved in Kid's lap and groaned. Trying to focus on Kid's face, she smirked.

"Angel?" Kid whispered, his voice trembling at the face of bewilderment she made, "you've been hurt but you're safe now. I'll help you."

"Who..." Celia cracked.

"Who what sweetheart?"

"I'll be good," Celia mumbled and closed her eyes.

"Lou?" An alarmed Kid turned to Lou for an explanation.

"I told you Kid," Lou sighed, "I was afraid of this. She must have a concussion. Kid, she probably doesn't even know who you are right now. Kid, listen to me and lay her down on the blanket and keep her still. We'll keep giving her water, nothing else till Doc gets here. Just keep her still, there's nothing else we can do."

"Ain't there something I can do to help her? Are you sure? It don't feel right just...doin' nothing, there must be something I can do?"

The Marshal crouched at their side. "I took some Laudanum with me just in case, maybe if we give her some she'll ..."

"No!" Lou spoke harshly, "we can't give her anything before Doc sees her!"

"Are you sure Lou? Coz' if you're not absolutely sure about what you're doing, I need to know now. I need to know you're not going to make her worse." Kid's voice was harsh when he turned to her, full of doubt over her and her intentions.

"I'm sure Kid," she wheezed at him, hurt at his accusation that she would hurt Celia. Did he really think she would hurt the woman that saved her daughter's life? He must really have her figured out all wrong. "Do as I tell you for God's sake before you'll regret it!"

Kid's eyes grew big of fear. Reluctantly he laid the unconscious woman on the blanket Lou had prepared. Tucking her in meticulously while talking to her in a soft soothing voice. Then he took her hand and held it to his lips. Lou watched his lips move as he continued his mumbling. If Celia was anything like herself, she'd go crazy from that eternal humming. Taking the shirt from the ground, she threw it to the Kid; "Put some clothes on before you cause an other scandal. I'll go get some wood to keep the fire goin'. Doc and Dave will be here soon. Don't go starting any more rumors!"

The Marshal watched them both and excused himself, muttering he'd make some coffee.

Kid threw her an annoyed glance. Lou turned and walked away, it wouldn't have been right to tell him the truth now would it? It wouldn't have been right to tell him she longed to touch him. If for nothing else to comfort him.

 

 

Lou was up on her feet at the first sound of the wagon approaching. It was getting late and the first chill of fall filled the air and having had to sit and listen to Kid's mumbling and watch the still Celia was driving her out of her mind. They needed to get Kid out of the way and try to get Celia awake again, she needed more water and Lou wasn't allowed to touch her. Kid hovered over her like a hawk, growling every time Lou came too close. His antics were driving her and the Marshal up the proverbial wall.

"Dave!" Running towards the sound, she yelled to get their attention and steer them right, "over here!"

"Lou, you alright?" Dave climbed down from the wagon while it was still rolling.

"Now, Mister..." Doc protested but was cut short by Dave's; "Where's Celia? Is she...Kid?"

"We found her just in time Dave, she's hanging on. She's bruised all over and has a a lot of cuts and a bullet went right through her. But I think she'll make it. She has a concussion, Doc and I don't know is she should be moved just yet?"

Doctor Schmidt stiffly climbed down from the wagon. "Now, Missis Louise, calm down, I'll take care of her."

"Let's get to then," Dave urged, "is Kid holding up?"

"Barely."

"I see." Dave extended a hand to stop Lou as Doc reached the pair.

"Missis Louise, I'm begging you to do everything you can to help Celia get through this. If not for her sake for the Kid. I know you loved him once, help him now."

Lou stared at the foreman, shocked that he would talk to her like this. Who did this man think he was to address her like that. The gray eyes studied her carefully and Lou understood he thought he had seen through her. They all had her pegged as a woman desperate to get another woman's husband. They really had no idea who she was any longer, now it was the time to show them, it was time to make amends.

"Dave, I swear to God, I'll do anything it takes. Anything." She turned abruptly to get away from the man. What he thought about her made her cringe. She'd show them who Louise McCloud-Hickok really was, she should have, right from the beginning. She hoped it was not too late.

 

 

Dave was left staring as the woman walked away from him. He wasn't sure she had understood him right. He needed her to help Celia survive, nothing else. Something in the woman told him she had other plans. Dave made fists in his pockets, he would not let that happen. If nothing else was to be done, he'd shield the memories of Celia. That woman would not defile the memory of her.


	14. Chapter 14

Lou stumbled away from the scene, mortified by the man's implication and his opinion of her. She had come back to Rock Creek to find herself, find peace and hoping there would be a place for her there, now that she had lost Jimmy and his love. Instead she had managed to endanger lives and alienate her loved ones. Her daughter had to pay for her mistakes and now Kid had almost lost his wife because of her. Their animosity was understandable but it still hurt her, she wanted stability, not this whirlwind of events and disasters. Her life seemed to have gone disarrayed when Jimmy died, she had lost herself, her faith and her perspective when she lost him. Now it all had fallen into shambles around her and she had no clue how to even begin putting things right again. Her words wouldn't be enough since her actions had spoken differently, yes she had tried to get to the Kid but only to feel loved again. A feeling she needed so much to get her belief in herself back. She never thought of Celia at those moments, she had thought only about what had been, what might still be. Maybe what she looked for wasn't really the Kid, maybe it was the past when everything still lay ahead of her. Now everything seemed to be over and done with. Feeling that way she had hurt and humiliated others, just to make them as miserable as she was herself. Why didn't she feel any better? Why did it just feel worse?

Lou sank to her knees in the dried grass and cried, for the first time since Jimmy's death, she let all her sorrow loose. She cried over Jimmy and over herself, the lost possibilities and what had been. She finally let herself grieve the events that had led her here to face the memories of a yesterday long gone. The pain that had been bottled up in her finally released and made her breathe easier, she was able to face the fact that things would not return to yesterday ever again. She had to find a tomorrow. Hard as it was, she'd have to.

She sat until the arrival of dusk. Looking up into the sky, she saw the purple of the sunset and smiled. Maybe Jimmy was painting the sky for her? _You always knew I had to do this didn't you? That I had to face yesterday. You knew me better than I do myself Jimmy, but hey, I still need you to keep an eye on me, I'm not through yet! I got some more livin' to do before I join ya. Just keep me on the right path will ya?_ As she spoke, an eagle flew over the purple sky and Lou knew Jimmy sent her a greeting. Yes, he would keep an eye on her. When the last rays of the sun were gone, she turned and walked to the light of the fire, she'd keep an eye on those in need right now. And there were plenty of them.

She stopped when Dave approached her wearily. "Doc says we can go home now, if we take it slow. We need somebody to steady her, Kid can't do it by himself. He's falling apart. Doc's given him something to get him to calm down. He's half delirious already."

"Of course," Lou nodded. "I'll watch over them both."

 

 

It was a somber group arriving at the homestead. Rachel stood on the porch, watching them arrive. At the sight of Dave driving the wagon she made a sign for Margaret to take the children. For what it seemed, they should be sheltered. At least until she knew what had happen and how to break the news to the little one's. She smiled encouragingly to Sarah as she wandered away to Margaret's house, her little hand in Margaret's and Noah safely tucked in the woman's arms. The young lad was so tired, he had troubles sleeping because his Ma wasn't around. He must have sensed the grown-ups nervousness, making him cranky. Meeting with Emily's eyes, she knew the girl was old enough to understand what was happening. Her lower lip trembled before she turned and walked away with her little brother and sister as Matthew took her hand and started following the trio into the foreman's home. The questioning gaze the girl sent Rachel when she silently followed Matthew's stride, tore at her heart. They would soon have their answers, and Rachel could do nothing but pray. Jolene started to cry silently at her side. Having slept for an entire day she seemed fine in the morning. Worried about her mother, but otherwise fine. Rachel understood now that she had just been putting on a brave face, trying to be strong for the rest of them. The young girl had seen things nobody should. Hannah threw her mother a glance before she enfolded her friend in her arms.   
"Jolene, we don't know yet."

"But it was all my fault. I shouldn't have left her there. I shou..."

"Shh, sweetheart." Rachel interrupted, enfolding both girls in her arms. "All we can do now is wait."

 

 

In silence they watched the wagon roll painfully slow towards them. The lump in Rachel's throat grew bigger at each step the horses took. The people on the wagon were too quiet, too subdued. Tears started to well in the corner of her eyes as she watched Kid sitting absolutely still with his head down. She searched for Lou's eyes, needing to know. Lou lifted her face and seemed startled at the expression on Rachel's face. The wagon stopped in front of the stairs to the house. Lou jumped down.

"Rachel, Doc needs to operate. Can you find us some sheets to put on the kitchen table? We gotta get her lung to work."

Kid finally raised his head from the downward position. "Please hurry, Rachel."

As the plea sunk into her, she sprang to life. Understanding what that meant, she ran into the house and opened the linen cupboard. In her hurry she sent half of the neatly folded linen to the floor. Margaret would have her hide for that. She wasn't even thinking straight when she ran to the kitchen, trying to put the linen onto the table while she glanced around for something to boil water in. Her hands shaking, she fumbled unnecessarily, cursing herself as the bowl of fruit crashed to the floor. Jolene emerged in the kitchen door.   
"I'll help," the young girl said calmly. Taking the other end of the sheet and laying it neatly onto the table. "We need to boil some water, Rachel."

Her calm brought Rachel back to control, this young girl seemed so composed at a time when she herself was falling apart, having Jolene around had an calming effect on her. Marveled at the young girl's calm and stability she smiled in her direction. Then she stiffened to her place. All Lou had said was true. Jolene must be the Kid's daughter. This was him, calm and logic when everybody else went into shambles. These were traits she certainly hadn't inherited from Lou or learned from Jimmy. This went deeper than that. This was the Kid. Rachel wondered how Lou was able to handle the evidence of Kid in her daughter. Didn't it remind her too much, remind her of her lies? "You're so like your father," Rachel told the girl.

"What ya mean?"

"So calm and composed when things get rough."

Jolene turned to her while filling the pot with water. "Ya didn't know my Pa too well did'ya?"

Rachel's cheeks went red. Of course, Jolene didn't know. Nobody had told her the truth. Lou emerged and Rachel turned to look at her old friend. There still was so much to be straightened out. So much to be handled. How many more casualties would that bring about? How many more were to be hurt in the process?

"We gotta start now Rachel, I'll help the Doc. You take Kid to see his children. We'll come get you when we're throu'."

"I'll help you Ma," Jolene said as the Kid carried Celia inside and Lou held the door for Doc Schmidt.

"I know," Lou smiled at her daughter and Rachel saw the immense pride Lou's daughter brought her. How would Jolene feel about her mother when she found out the truth, that she had been lied to her whole life? That her Pa wasn't who she thought? What would that do to the trust she saw in Jolene's eyes as she hugged her mother. Rachel had to turn away knowing she had to look where she dreaded to look. When her eyes fell on Celia, she had to stifle a scream. With a sob she ran up to her. She was so pale, so cold. Extending a hand to the pale cheeks, she hesitated before touching it. She didn't want her last memory of Celia to be like this. Withdrawing her hand, she looked up at the Kid. He was looking straight back at her, disapproval painted on his face. His hand holding a tight grip on Celia's.   
"She ain't dead yet, Rachel. Don't shy away from her, she's still here. Don't you ever look at her like that again!"

"What?" Rachel looked bewildered at the man. "I'm just afraid to hurt her, Kid."

"No, you were afraid to touch her. You were disgusted."

"Get him out now before he starts rambling again, " Lou wheezed. "You gotta forgive him Rachel, I don't think he's right in the head right now. He keeps sayin' things that don't make any sense whatsoever."

Finally Rachel mustered the strength to lay a hand on Celia's chest. To her relief it was moving. But just barely. "Oh God," she sobbed.

"Out!" The Doc ordered them, "everybody out of this room!" When Kid opened his mouth to protest, Doc Schmidt raised the index finger; "I'll have you arrested, you fool!"

Rachel gripped Kid's shirt front and dragged him out.

 

 

 

So tired she didn't see straight, Lou walked to the foreman's house. Celia was fine, she'd survive and Lou wanted to be the one to tell Kid the good news. She had brought him enough bad news to last him a lifetime. Now she just wanted to tell him his wife was eventually going to be fine. Margaret must have seen her walking across the yard, she was already waiting for her on the porch. Lou smiled encouragingly to lessen the worry so obvious on the older woman's face. Margaret's eyes pierced hers as she walked those final steps to stand in front of her.   
"She will be fine, Doc promised she'd survive."

Margaret hid her face in her palms and a deep heavy sigh left the rotund body. "Thank you God," Margaret mumbled. "Thank you God for thine mercy."

"I'll tell Kid." Lou smiled at the woman as she lifted her face and looked up into the sky. "I'll tell him he can take the children to see their mother. She's still sleeping thou', Rachel and Jolene are with her. I just think the children would wanna know."

"I'll make you somethin' to eat Ma'am, you look beat."

"Thank you, Margaret."

Following the woman into the house, she smiled to herself, maybe these people would understand that she wasn't what they thought she was. She was finally useful, finding herself anew. The aroma of a newly cooked meal had Lou's mouth water, she never remembered being this hungry before.

 

 

Kid sat in a rocking chair by the window with his daughters in his lap. Lou smiled at the picture, the storybook in his lap told her he had tried to divert their attention. But surely his had been with Celia in the house. Emily sat silently leaning up to her father's chest, the tiredness sagging her eyelids. Sarah had stuck a thumb in her mouth while the other hand clutched on to her father's shirtfront as if she was afraid he'd disappear. Matthew sat on the settee by Will's side. The young boy incredibly still, caught by the seriousness of the situation. Hannah tried to make Noah eat his evening meal. Lou hadn't even realized how late it had gotten and how hungry she was. Two days had gone by and she didn't even remember when she had eaten last. Seven pairs of eyes turned to her as she walked in.   
"She'll be fine," Lou hasted to confirm as Kid's face paled considerably upon seeing her. "You can go see her Kid, she's sleepin' but she'll be fine. You can all go, Doc will stay here for tonight, just in case."

The girls scurried down from Kid's lap and out the door. He rose on visibly shaking legs. Matthew threw him a glance as Kid grabbed Lou's arm in desperation. Perplexed at his hard grip on her, Lou turned to him. Kid looked like he wanted to tell her something. The guilt-stricken expression on Kid's face had Lou squint her eyes.

"Kid?" She asked softly, tying to encourage him to tell her whatever he needed to tell her. Margaret coughed demonstratively at the counter. Kid released his hold on her and diverted his eyes.   
"Thank you," he said before he turned and walked out. Lou turned to Margaret to know what that was all about. The woman looked at her with disinterest, motioning for her to sit down at the table. Lou understood she wasn't a welcomed guest, Margaret did this only because she had to. Suddenly Lou lost all her appetite.

 

 

 _There was the heartbreaking sound of a little child sobbing in her vicinity, a small cry that broke her heart. A voice she didn't recognize said: "Be careful, she's sleepin' don't wake her up." Another muffled voice asked if she was ever gonna wake up, the older voice hummed comfortingly, telling the voices not to fear, everything would be alright. Celia tried desperately to open her eyes, she wondered if she was at the orphanage? These voices seemed so familiar but still she wasn't able to identify them - to put names and faces on them.  
"Come on kids," the female voice said, "your Pa's gonna watch over her, you'll see her in the morning. Giv'er a kiss." Small hands enfolded her face and tiny lips kissed her cheek. She moved her head in the direction of the dim light she noticed and smiled, something about that tiny kiss was so familiar, so comforting. The eerie light made it hard to see, the darkness still lingering in the corners of her mind, refusing to leave. _

_"Say goodnight," the voice prompted and a little choir of angels obeyed, the soft voices abided to the wish and whispered; "Goodnight Ma"._

 _Their Ma must be the luckiest woman alive, Celia thought as her eyes fluttered shut again. She seemed unable to stay awake and she was angry at herself for failing at such an easy task. She wanted to see those angels. They must be beautiful. Soft hands caressed her hair and whispered to her. The angel with the beautiful eyes had returned, he talked to her, stroke her cheek and lightly kissed her lips. Celia never wanted him to go, she felt safe around this angel. It was still dark all around her but she felt his presence, even when he wasn't touching her, she knew he was around. With effort, she opened her eyes to see the most beautiful face with the kindest eyes she'd ever met. And there he was, surrounded by a dim light. She saw the face smile, the tears welling in the deep blue eyes. Eyes like the ocean, the deep mysterious ocean that made you feel so big standing on the beach, when in fact you was the littlest of things compared to the ocean. Those eyes made her grow, they made her whole. Beautiful blue eyes that seemed to hold the whole world within._

 _She was sad the angel cried, angels should not cry. Wasn't everybody happy in heaven?  
"Don't cry," she cracked, not recognizing her own voice. The angel's tears rolled onto her cheek as he kissed her brow. His voice like a caress as he whispered he loved her. _

_Who was he, why was he crying? There was a million questions she needed an answer to, where was she? What was she doing here? Where was Johnny? How did she get out of that dark forest? Had the angel found her? Her mouth was so dry she could not speak. The angel must have understood, he took a spoon and gently helped her drink, telling her to be careful. The moisture was heaven sent, she smiled in gratitude at him. The angel enfolded her face in his hands and told her that her children loved her very much. He told her they needed her so badly, that they all needed her to get well._

 _Celia stared back at him in utter shock. Needed? Children? Her children? What was he talking about? Her eyes searched the room for an explanation and landed on a blonde woman standing at the end of the bed. Another angel? Celia didn't know who she was and the woman looked at her like she knew her. Was this some kind of a joke? Looking down on herself she didn't recognize the body lying in the bed. This wasn't her! She was five and had just been found, the angel had saved her from the devil. Didn't he know that? What was he talking about, who was this woman they thought she was? Whose were the poor children they thought were hers? Were they abandoned too? Something must have happened. The angel was mistaken, he thought she was somebody else. That was why he looked at her like that, he'd be so disappointed when he found out she was only little stinkin' SillyCeliaTheOrphan. The one nobody wanted. She had to tell him! Trying to rise into a sitting position and straighten the mess out, she screamed as a fit of pain severed her body in two. "I'm sorry," was all she could tell the angel with the tears in his eyes before she floated into the damned darkness again.  
_

 

 

"Something's wrong Rachel," Kid said in a tense voice as the woman hurried to help him prevent Celia from getting herself hurt in her attempt to get up. "She doesn't even seem to recognize me. Why? What did I do wrong? "

Rachel put a hand on the tense shoulder. "Kid, she's been through a lot. You can't expect her to jump out of bed and be all right all at once."

"You don't understand, Rachel, she looked so scared, I think I frightened her! She's never been frightened of me before. I have to know what those bastards did to her. How the hell will I be able to help her if nobody tells me exactly what happened? Why is she scared of me? Does she know? Does she think I'll hurt her?"

"Knows what? Kid, you're ramblin'. You need some sleep."

"She knows I wanted to kiss Lou, she knows and she's fading away from me. Oh God, I never meant for this to happen, I never meant for her to..."

"Kid, I hate to break this to you but she probably thinks you betrayed her! Remember the night before...."

"No Rachel, Celia knows I would never do that to her. She asked for total honesty and she knows I would give that to her. She knows I wanted to kiss Lou and now she's...."

"Kid, you're nuts. You're completely over the hill. You haven't slept in God knows how long, you're hallucinating. You're both hallucinating. She knows you wanted to kiss Lou? Yeah right. But now that I know Kid, all I can say is; be ware."

Kid jerked his eyes in Rachel's direction. The woman gripped his collar hard. "God help you Kid if you do something to hurt her, anything. You tell her what you really want and don't ever lie to her. Hasn't she seen enough of lying and betrayin' ya think? You make up your mind and tell her the truth. Nothing's gonna save you from me if you don't. Whatever the truth is - you tell her."

"Rachel..."

"Just shut up an' listen to me. She deserves more than some half-baked marriage. If it's Lou you want, you tell Celia and let her decide what to do. It's her right to know!"

"Rachel!" Kid's voice rang as a shot. "It happened for one brief instance, I wanted to kiss Lou because of the memories, not to betray Celia. I would never betray Celia, I gave her my word on that. My word! Goddammit Rachel, don't you know that I love her, always have. Don't tell me you didn't know!"

"Whom?" Rachel asked, not able to believe what was happening. Was Kid trying to tell her something? "Who is the 'her'?"

Kid was so baffled he didn't find the words straight away. He stared at his old friend from the days of the Pony Express, wondering how she could be so blind. Didn't she know? Hadn't it always been clear to everybody? Didn't she know who he really loved and would love forever? The woman that was running in his blood, occupying his mind and resting in his soul, always had since the day he met her. Did Rachel truly not know this?

Kid was left staring as Rachel turned and walked out the door.


	15. Chapter 15

Rachel walked out of the room, having to pause and lean up against the wall. So this was it, Kid had really never gotten over Lou. He had fooled them all. _Damn you,_ she silently cursed the man. He had no right to do what he had done, the lying in this house had to stop right here and now, before more hurt was caused. What was to become of the family she had grown so close to? What would become of the children? Celia would not stay in a marriage based upon a lie, she knew her friend well enough to realize that such an arrangement was unthinkable to her. But the children, there were children involved. _Damn you Kid, what the hell have you done? And I, how much am I to blame? I brought her here, I brought her back! I sat there and watched it all happen, and I told Celia not to worry! I betrayed her, I betrayed them all. I should have seen this coming, I should have put a stop to it. I have to put a stop to it right now, I can't let this happen!_

Without even thinking she stormed into the kitchen, startling Emily and Sarah as they diligently helped Hannah and Jolene with the beans for tomorrow's dinner. Hannah looked up at her, alarmed by the expression on her mother's face. Jolene put Noah to his feet on the floor and looked first at her companion and then to the source of the disturbance

"Ma, is somethin' wrong?"

"No sweetie, everything's just fine," Rachel assured, wondering if Hannah could tell she was lying trough her teeth. "Can you watch the children for a while? I'll just pop over to Margaret's and see how things are coming along. Is Lou still over there?"

Jolene nodded and Rachel could have sworn the girl saw right through her. She had the same eerie faculty to see through people as her father, as Kid had. That expression in the brown orbs was the same calm knowledge that Rachel had seen in the Kid's eyes on numerous occasions. They just knew.

"I'll make arrangements for tonight, no idea to sleep in that old house. You and your Ma should stay here, there's still the chance that those men are around."

Jolene nodded in agreement and turned to Noah to wipe the strawberry jam off the young man's face. The little rascal pouted his mouth as Jolene approached. "No," he exclaimed decisively, "not you. Ma!"

"Sweetheart, your Ma's sleepin'. Can't wake her up just to get you ready for bed now can we? Wouldn't be fair."

"I want Ma!" The pain expressed in the fierce cry startled Rachel. Sarah started to cry and Hannah sank down at her side, taking the little girl into her lap and encircling Emily with her free arm. Rocking them both, soothing them both in a low voice. Rachel took a step up to catch the little boy into her arms and comfort him. But Jolene sank to her knees in front of Noah.   
"I know sweetie, I know. But right now that ain't possible. She's resting, Noah, she's just so tired that she can't wipe your face right now. Tell you what thou', let me wipe your face and then we'll go say goodnight to her again. But you can't go kissin' her with all that jam on your face, can you? You'd get stuck in the sheets and then you'd have to walk around with linen hanging from your face, wouldn't want that now, would you?"

Noah peered at her with suspicion. Jolene took the cloth she was holding and put it between her nose and upper lip. Struggling to keep it there, she made hideous faces and the little boy squealed in joy. "Not a pretty sight huh?"

"No-o-o," Noah giggled, "not a pjetty sight."

"So what do we do?"

"You clean mah face, then we go see Ma!"

Rachel smiled, Jolene was great. Then it hit her that Jolene probably knew better than anybody the fear and uncertainty these kids were feeling right now. It must be hell on them, not quite understanding what was going on but sensing something was terribly wrong. Jolene's father had died and she must be reliving all those feelings again. And to tell her now that Jimmy wasn't her real father, what would that do to her? Hannah's voice woke her from her reveries; "Ma, we'll be fine. Go find Lou and tell her we'll all be sleeping here tonight."

Rachel just nodded, they desperately needed to have a talk, her and Lou. And not just about where to sleep. There were so much at stake and Rachel had no idea what Lou was out after - exactly. Truth be told, Rachel wasn't so sure Lou herself knew that either.

 

 

 _The tiny little angel was in the room again. He was whispering and small hands stroke her hair. She had to see him, there was something telling her she had to open her eyes and look at the little angel. As her eyes opened, she was startled at the blueness of the eyes that looked into hers. They were the exact same color of the eyes that had soothed and calmed her. But these eyes were filled with sorrow and despair, her arm seemed to weigh a hundred pounds at least and she had to struggle before it obeyed her and rose to touch the rosy cheek._

"Ma," the tiny voice sobbed. "A goodnight stojy Ma. Tonight?" Small arms encircled her and she knew this was her son, every fiber in her body screamed to her that he was hers. She needed to get out of this bed and read this little angel the story he asked for. She needed to take the sorrow away from those eyes. But she didn't even know her own son's name! She didn't know anything about this little angel, except that he was hers. And that he needed her.

"Noah, not tonight son."

"I'll read you a story. Be a good boy and say goodnight to your Ma now. It's far past your bedtime." Another voice was talking, a voice she vaguely recollected. A strange sense of relief washed over her as the voice spoke. Her eyes caught a young girl with dark shoulder-length hair. The young girl smiled at her. "Don't worry Celia, I'll take care of him. You rest, you'll have plenty of time to read him stories later on."

She tried to smile but wasn't sure she had succeeded. Instead she turned to the man sitting on the edge of the bed, holding her son in his lap. Who was he? Who was this man with the kindest of eyes. She wanted to thank him for revealing the little boy's name and ask him for forgiveness for not remembering. What kind of a mother was she? Where was she and who were all these people? Why did she have this nagging feeling she ought to know?

"Off you go son, I'll stay with your Ma. See you tomorrow." The man with the kind eyes put the little angel on his feet and pushed him in the girl's direction. The girl took her son's hand and walked with him out of the room. Celia didn't even notice them disappear, her mind still whirling at the man's words. 'Son'. Her eyes were fixed at the man's face as he turned back to her. Those deep blue eyes softening as he turned his full attention to her. She sensed she was supposed to know the man, but she didn't. A shadow ran over his face and she diverted her eyes, she had been staring at him, she knew that. The man took her hand into his.

"Angel?"

She was afraid to look at him again and have those beautiful eyes get shadowed with worry once again. His hand was gently holding hers and she noticed it was comforting. How was he able to comfort her like this?

"Celia, do you know who I am?"

Why did he ask her these kinds of questions? She'd only have to hurt him. He expected her to know him, she knew that. And she couldn't let him down like this.

"Do you know your name?"

Finally a question she could answer. Eagerly she nodded. The man looked expectantly at her and she understood he wanted her to say it out loud. Shame colored her cheeks as she told him what the boys had taught her. "SillyCeliatheOrphan," she cracked, her tongue feeling like a deadweight in her mouth. The man looked shocked. Celia wasn't sure he had understood her. "Celia," she tried again, "Celia Rappaport."

"Oh God!"

The man turned the beautiful eyes away from her and rested his face in his palm. Celia understood she had done something wrong.

"I'm sorry." The words were almost inaudible but the man turned to her. Tears were welling in those eyes again and Celia didn't know what to do to make them go away. She didn't want the angel to be hurting. What was she doing wrong? Who did he think she was? She had never meant any of this to happen. Looking at him she tried to will him into telling her what he wanted. How she could make things right again.

"Oh God, Celia. I'm Kid, your husband."

Celia stared at the man. Was she married to an angel? Was she the wife of this man? That couldn't be, little stinking Celia couldn't have married a handsome man like him. She wasn't worthy of him. They always told her nobody would ever want her. She was too ugly, too stupid, too everything. They had told her that. This man couldn't possibly be her husband. He was beautiful and kind. No, it wasn't possible. Nobody wanted her. He must be mistaking her for another.

"Angel, don't look at me like that. I'm Kid...I'm the man you married. You look so scared. Oh God Celia, I'm so sorry. You'll remember. We'll make things right again. You'll get it all back angel. I promise."

He leaned in to kiss her lips and Celia closed her eyes. That man shouldn't be looking at her like that, she wasn't worthy of him. Didn't he see that? The soft touch of his lips against hers sent a shiver through her. Those lips were like velvet, soft and warm. The touch stirred up something in her, emotions she didn't recognize. A memory that she couldn't quite catch rolled over her in an instance, just to leave her more bewildered than ever. A battlefield, those eyes looking into hers.

"I love you, angel."

The words startled her. Nobody had said that to her before, nobody. Would angels lie? She couldn't be loved. Her hand gripped his without thinking. Automatically, like it was used to doing so. Her body kept reacting to this man in ways her mind had no control over. It was like it knew him even though her mind didn't.

"Can I sleep here with you, angel? I want to hold your hand." The eyes begging her, trying to hide the sorrow. She smiled and nodded, her own eyelids getting heavy. Why this man wanted to spend time with the likes of her was beyond her. Watching him undress and ease himself gently under the covers to search for her hand stirred up the eerie feeling this had happened before. Why couldn't she remember? When their fingers entwined, her body reacted again, an ease rolling over her, slacking her tense muscles and easing her pain. A sense of belonging. A sense of complete and utter trust. Emotions she didn't know she had. She so wanted to remember this man.

"Go to sleep angel, I'll be here right by your side."

 _She needed to remember this man.  
_

 

 

Lou ate what was served without any appetite. The foreman's wife serving her with detachment. The rotund woman smiled at her when she poured cider into her glass, but the smile never reached the eyes. Lou couldn't eat fast enough, she wanted to get out of this house as fast as possible. Dave must have told his wife about the night she and Kid had wandered over the yard, giggling like schoolchildren, lost in the memories of easier days. _Easier for me, that is,_ Lou thought as she peered at the woman. Margaret chose to ignore her and Lou was getting angry. What right had this woman to treat her like this? What had she done to deserve this? _Oh, how about almost getting Jolene killed?_ The voice inside her kept reminding her and she rose to her feet in haste. "Thank you, " she said to the woman. "I need to see my daughter."

She turned to walk out and nearly collided with Rachel who let herself in soundlessly. Rachel looked at her and Lou was startled at the coldness in her gaze, then her friend turned to the woman standing by the counter.

"Maggie, I'll prepare for breakfast in the morning. You and Dave drop in about seven and I'll have it done. I think Dave's gonna have to deal with the men all by himself this year. Kid's heart's not really in it."

"We'll be there, need me to bring somethin'?"

"Just bring yourself Maggie, I don't know what we would have done without ya?"

The woman crossed to Rachel and laid and hand on her arm. "Rachel, I wish there was more I could do." With a glance at Lou, she turned to the dishes. Rachel noticed the glance and shrugged, had Margaret seen it too? "We'll all be in the house if you need somethin'. No use sleepin' in that old house, those men might still be out there and..."

"Just watch out for Celia will you," the woman said softly. "Don't let her get hurt any more."

"I will," Rachel promised. "Night Maggie." She said over her shoulder as she traversed the floor to Lou.

"Sweet dreams."

 

 

Lou watched the two women perplexed, something was up. Something that had her friend and Margaret eye her with suspicion. No, disapproval really. Why were they so worried about Celia? The men were after her, shouldn't she be the one they'd have to worry about? Was this why Kid stayed with that woman. Because she was frail and needed protection? How about love, didn't he deserve some love? Lou had saved the woman's life for God's sake, she spotted that fire and she got there in time to save Celia. Why this disapproval?

In silence they walked towards the main house, Rachel holding her arm in a tight grip and Lou could tell there was anger behind the grip. Then her strawberry blonde friend stopped. "Lou, we need to talk."

Lou's heart skipped a beat, her first thought went to Jolene. Had something happened, the men? "Jolene?" she asked in fear. Rachel turned to her with a furrowed brow. Realizing what Lou meant she shook her head. "No, she's just fine. But I need to know. What are you really doing here, Louise?"

Lou gazed at her friend, the woman that had been her confidant in the days of the Pony Express. Now Rachel looked at her with suspicion. "What do you mean, you asked me to come here!"

"I know," Rachel admitted, "I ain't tellin' you you can't be here. I'm askin' you if you know why you're here?"

"I'm here..." Lou paused, why was she here? Why was it so important to return to Rock Creek after all these years? Celinda and Nathaniel would have taken her in. Heck, they wrote and asked her. There was only one reason she was here, Kid and his daughter, their daughter, Jolene.   
"I promised Jimmy to tell the Kid about Jolene."

"Why?"

"He felt bad about it, he always told me Kid should know. He said he would have wanted to know if Jolene was his and I married the Kid. He's right."

"Does Jolene know?"

"I'll let Kid decide what to tell her."

Rachel let go off her arm and turned away from her. "I see," she mumbled.

"You see what?" Lou asked confused.

"You're gonna put all this on the Kid. Having him make the same decision you made fifteen years ago. And you know Kid's different, Kid sticks to his promises. You counted on that didn't you? You knew full well Kid wouldn't let you down when he found out you had his daughter. And just to add to it, you're making him take decisions that will forever change everything. You counted on Kid's sense of righteousness. You still hope he'll take the decision and relieve you of the guilt, don't you?"

"What guilt?"

"The guilt of having lied to Jolene all her life, telling her Jimmy was her father when you knew all along he wasn't."

"I didn't know all along, Rachel. We kind of figured it out when we didn't get any more children. I thought she was his, I mean I wasn't sure but Jimmy and I..."

"You made your choice right there and then Louise, that's a choice you can't remake. You chose Jimmy, Louise. For whatever reasons you chose him, you can't take that back."

"Whatever reasons? Rachel, I loved him!"

"So why was the Kid dragged into the middle? Why'd you string him up too?"

"I loved them both Rachel, I loved them both."

"And now you've come back to reclaim that love, am I right? With Jimmy gone, you came back to reclaim the Kid, Jolene was only an excuse to make him take the decision. He loved you so much Lou, he loved you with all his heart and you threw it into the gutter. I don't think you loved either of them Lou, what you loved was love itself. Not the Kid and maybe not even Jimmy! You loved their love for you, that's why you kept them both wondering who you would chose. You mirrored yourself in their love and doing so you broke his heart. And now you've come back to reclaim it! Damn you Lou. I hope the Kid sees you for what you are and finds the strength to turn you away. He needs real love, not the kind you would give him. You say you loved both men, well hell what's there to stop you from finding a third to love too? Just so as you can mirror yourself in that love. You can't stand it that Kid found somebody else, can you? You still want him!"

Lou stared at the woman in front of her, this was not her friend speaking. This was somebody else, somebody that didn't know her at all. "Rachel," she cracked, too shocked to formulate a defense.

"And Celia won't put up a fight. Hell, she'll hand him over to you. She'll think he loves you and she'll just hand him over. You figured that one out too, didn't you? You saw to that, right? That night you spent alone. You're an attractive woman Lou, always was and now you're using it. I saw the way you looked at her, seizing her up, deciding she wasn't the one. I could tell Lou, you just didn't think she deserved him, did you? Damn you Lou, what happened to you?"

Lou found absolutely nothing to say at the accusations that were hailing over her. "I don't want the Kid," she finally wheezed.

"Don't lie to me Louise, I've seen it in your eyes. You want him. Don't deny what's evident." Rachel started to walk away.

With two long strides Lou reached her side and grabbed at her arm. "Dammit Rachel, even if you were right about all you said. Which you ain't, by the way. But even if, Kid doesn't want me so there's nothing to it, is there?"

"The hell I know Lou, I don't know anything any longer."

"What'ya rambling about Rachel?"

"I'm just tellin' you this much, don't lie to the Kid, yourself or Celia. You make your decision and let this one be the final one."

"You're not making much sense here Rachel, I can't make decisions for anybody else!"

"I'm not askin' you to, I'm askin' you to make decisions for yourself and stick to them."

"Huh?"

"If Kid still loves you, Celia will go away. I know she will. Just see to it that when she leaves, you stay."

"You're crazy Rachel, Kid doesn't love me, didn't you know that?"

"Louise, I don't know anything any longer." Rachel turned and walked away. Lou was left staring as she disappeared into the main house. Her words had brought a strange sense of hope into Lou, but she knew she was wrong to hope. There was no way that Kid could love her after all these years. With a sigh, she started for the house, she'd give anything for Kid to love her like he used to. She still loved both men and maybe that was a curse, having to choose had been hell. Living with the decision had been heaven until six months ago. If she had chosen Kid everything would have been different. Kid would still love her like he used to. Kid didn't love her any longer, not the way he used to, she sensed he didn't. Why didn't the others see it too?   
"Oh God," she sighed, "I'd give anything to change everything."


	16. Chapter 16

_Shrapnel flying over them and the cannonades rolling like violent thunder as she crawled behind the man in a thick southern forest. Below, on the plain, a the battle continued, lonely cries of young men losing their lives carried through the thunder of slaughter. Blindly she followed the man's lead, dragging the darned bag behind her. When she started nursing the young soldiers brought to the camp, she had no idea it all would end up like this. That after escaping one hell, she'd find herself in one even worse. And now she had to rely on a southern scout to get her out of this. If she hadn't been so scared, she would have laughed. This situation was ludicrous, she was fraternizing with the enemy. The man in front of her turned and made a sign for her to stay back. Celia dared lift her head over the thick vegetation. They had reached the end of the ridge, and hopefully they'd find a way out of here. She'd find a way back to the camp and he would find his way back to his side. She hid in the high grass and watched the man crawl forward to find a safe way out. What a fool, she thought to herself, carrying just a gun on enemy territory, How on earth has he made it until now? A wonder nobody...._

 _A sharp shot rang out close to her and she instinctively flattened herself against the hard ground. The fire was answered by a yelp in pain and another shot ringing out, followed by tumbling steps in her direction. Something stumbled over her and fell down. Without thinking, she turned to the sound and found the southern scout sitting leaned up against a tree, blood gushing from his shoulder._

 _"Never saw that one comin'," he said, smiling._

 _"Jeez," Celia groaned and watched as his eyes got glazed and the hand fell to his side. He fought to stay focused, she could tell that even though his teeth started clattering together from shock of the wound._

 _"Y-y-you h-h-have to stay here," he stuttered, "we're s-s-surrounded. Wait here. It'll be over soon."_

 _"Shhh, " she said as she pressed against the wound hard, feeling the blood stream through her fingers._

 _"It's over ," he said and those beautiful blue eyes looked into hers. But she could see the focus starting to fail him. "I-I-I just wanted to s-save you, I'm s-sorry."_

 _Celia had no alternative than to shove the bottle with chloroform under his nose to have him shut up. He tried effortlessly to push her hand away but fell over to his side._

 _"Damn, you're stubborn," she cursed as another shrapnel sent dirt over them as it missed its target with about half a mile. "Damn them to aim like cross-eyed drunks," she told the unconscious man she was shielding with her body. "This is really gonna be easy. Taking that bullet out of you accompanied by what-the-hell-ever-his-name-is-General's sloppy aimers. Oh, this one I'm gonna enjoy to the fullest!"_

 _Ripping his shirt open she sighed in relief, the bullet had lodged itself under the clavicle. The bloodstream was dark, at least any arteries weren't hit. She'd do what she's seen done by the Docs, that was all she could do. Poor man to stumble upon me, she thought angrily, stupid man to be this far behind enemy lines. Why the hell didn't you go back? And why the hell did this patrol happen to collide with the bluecoats at this precise moment? "I'm cursed," she muttered angrily to herself. Then a reveille sounded, announcing the southerners were retreating. Finally, she thought, you were outnumbered to begin with! "You just hang on till the commotion is over," she told the man at her side, nobody's gonna look for anybody up here. We should be safe."_

 _She turned the army identification and read: "Gabriel O'Day."_

 _"Nice to meet you," she said courteously to the unconscious man. "If you would have done as I told you and left me wherever I was at, you wouldn't be lying here now. See? I told you!" She glared angrily at the handsome young man whose face was shabby and pale. If that fool had done like she told him to instead of feeling obliged to exert some darned gentlemanly duty towards her, he would probably be back home at his camp, writing letters to his fiancée. And now he was shot in the shoulder, miles and miles behind enemy lines. If he weren't already hurt, she'd wring his neck. "I'm going insane," she moaned realizing her incoherence. "This ain't your lucky day Gabie boy."_

"Celia sweetheart, what's wrong?"

She peered at the soldier looking down into her face, the eyes widened in fear. She wanted to laugh, what was wrong? There was a war.....the silence around her made her realize something wasn't quite as she thought. There was no gunshots ringing, no reveille and no fleeing soldiers.

"Oh," she said as her mind took in the surroundings. The dream had been so real, like she was there and saw it all happen. Images of a travois behind an army horse, a cave, a small fire. She had to blink hard to stop the images from yesterday to trickle into today.

"Oh God, angel, you're all shivering! Damn, your fever can't be rising, it just can't. Hang on sweetheart, you'll be fine. You'll be fine." A hand on her front wiped the cold sweat away. She could get easily get used to this kindness and care. Those warm hands easing her pain, the voice bringing her peace. This must be a dream and the war was reality.

"You in pain angel, talk to me! The Doc's still here, want me to go get him?"

She shook her head fervently. No, she wanted him to stay.

"You sure? Don't lie to me Celia, if you need help you gotta tell me."

"I'm fine," she hasted to tell him, she wasn't sure she was ready to face those dreams on her own. Having him in the room made her feel safer. Those dreams were trying to tell her something. Something of utmost importance. "It was just a...dream." But was it? Was it really just a dream and not a memory that had been reawakened by his presence. Would she ever know?

"A nightmare you mean. Was it those men? Was it them haunting you?"

"No it was ... I can't remember any longer."

Those blue eyes never left hers, they reached into depths of her she was afraid to reveal. Safer to close the eyes. The lips touched hers again, whispering softly her name, telling her to rest. Telling her it would be better in the morning. That he would stay and watch over her, that she was safe with him. She was certain she was, that voice touched strings inside her that she sensed were profoundly attached. To this man. So why couldn't she remember? It would take nothing to love this man enough to loose herself in him, completely and without asking why. Trust him completely. Even if she didn't remember, she still felt. She entwined her fingers into the large hand searching hers, the dream just a soft memory now. The present so tempting, yet so scaring. Who was this man who claimed to love her, didn't he know her at all? Had she really forgotten everything she'd promised herself and let her guards down enough to let somebody in? What had happened to make her do that?

 

 

Kid watched her drift to sleep. Her uneasiness had awoken him, he had felt her fear in his sleep. What was she seeing? Why wouldn't she tell him? He kissed her ear when he carefully eased her into his hold, afraid to hurt her but needing desperately to stay close, to feel her breathe. To shield her from all evil in the world. Maybe she'd know she was safe if he held her? He wanted so badly to carry her pain himself. There was absolutely nothing else he could do, except be here for her. Now that she needed him the most.

 

 

 _  
The fire warmed the small cave-like opening in the rocky formation where she had found their only possible shelter. He would not make it if she didn't keep him warm, his fever was high and she had so little medicine left. She looked up at the roof she had made out of old branches and grass covered with moss. It barely held the rain out and winter was approaching. He just had to get his strength back before the dampness rolled in over the fields, chilling all living creatures. He had been delirious for five days and she knew he would not stand it much longer. He kept calling out for somebody named Lou. Last night he had asked her if she had seen to Katy. She found it safer to promise him she had. Who would she tell if he died, where was his family? She felt like she should tell them herself, letting the army's cold official letter arrive unannounced was too cruel. Somebody must be missing this young man something terrible and she wished she knew who this Lou was he kept calling out for, or this Katy that needed to be taken care of. She glanced at the last sugar-beet and the carrots she had stolen from the small abandoned homestead a mile away. If he didn't wake up soon, she'd have to make another trip there and find something more to eat for them._

 _"I don't know which is worse, the fact I had to STEAL or kill a poor defenseless jackrabbit for you!" The man moaned uneasily and she hurried to steady him to his place. If he reopened that wound, she'd wring his neck. His fever seemed to finally have broken, she thought as she felt the still hot brow.  
"I'm sorry, I just don't know what I'm sayin' these days. Don't worry, supper will be served soon. I hope you never learn how I got it!"_

 _"Lou?" The voice was nothing more than a groan but it had her smile._

 _"Hey Gabriel, you awake?"_

 _Fever-sticken eyes peered into hers. She had no idea how to soothe or calm anybody. She never had to before this war and nobody taught her to, it was unknown territory to her before she started tending to the casualties of war. Soon to understand that getting attached to the young boys was not a good idea. Sooner or later they all died. Tentatively she smiled at him. People usually didn't like her very much, was he disgusted too?_

 _"Oh God, what happened?"_

 _"You were shot," she told him._

 _"I know," he muttered, "but h-how did I end up h-here?" His teeth still clashing from the cold._

 _"Long story," she said while she covered him with yet another stolen blanket, "you better keep still."_

 _"Y-y-you brought m-me here?_

 _"Not as much I as the poor horses I have tied outside, one of your dead compatriots as a matter of fact, you can shoot me later for horse-theft." Among other things, she thought. The young man was watching her with bewilderment, then he blinked and to her surprise the eyes twinkled with merriment._

 _"I'll get you something to eat while you're awake so I don't have to force it into ya. You're kind of hard to handle, you know that, don't you?"_

 _His eyes wandered over to the small fire and the pot resting on the burning wood. "H-how'd you get all this?"_

 _"You don't wanna know," she told him truthfully while she scooted over to the fire to get the stew, if you could call it that, which had been simmering on the fire waiting for him to regain some kind of consciousness. Returning to him, she watched him groan and ease himself up to lean onto the stony wall at his side._

 _"Take it slow," she warned him._

 _He looked at the stew in the pan she had put down at his side, slightly disgusted at the sight of the meal. Or maybe at the sight of the buckled pan, she could only guess._

 _"You better like it," she wheezed at him, pointing the wooden spoon at him. "I had to kill a rabbit for you and it was gruesome!"_

 _His eyes twinkled again while they followed her walking to get the canteen with fresh water. His gaze was unnerving her, making her aware of herself like she had never been before in her whole life. When people looked at her like that she usually found it safer to get the hell out of wherever she was at in that precise instance. There was no disapproval in those eyes, but she knew that was just because he needed her right now. Things would change when he got his strength back. "Who is Lou?"_

 _"Louise," he said and his voice revealed all she needed to know. There was pain, desperation and love in that one word. She just looked at him, wanting to ask him what happened but didn't dare to. The pain seemed too fresh._

 _"She m-married my b-best friend," he continued quietly. His voice shivering at the emotionality the words seemed to bring him._

 _"I'm sorry," she said and handed him the spoon._

 

 

Celia opened her eyes in the dim morning light as everything rushed over her. All the memories came back like a whirlwind, uprooting her and throwing her into an emptiness unlike anything she'd ever felt before. His voice when he pronounced the word 'Louise' had her understand that everything they had shared was nothing compared to what he felt for the woman that now had come back. _Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, she's back. She came back and he's married to me! I can't do this to him, I just can't do this to him! Oh God if I hadn't gotten pregnant he would still have been free, he would have waited for her. Oh God, what have I done?_

The memories slowly emerging, made her want to scream. Lazy days with Kid on the meadows, her children playing at the creek with him, her children. Oh God, her little ones! Winter mornings she cuddled close to him. Lazy mornings they shared breakfast together, teasing each other. Sarah and Emily planning the day in detail. Noah in her lap, playing with his food. The men at the hut, holding them hostage, had she killed him? Kid and the children getting the Christmas-tree, watching the newborn foals trying to get to their feet. Staggering foals and the Kid gently helping the little one's get to their mothers. This was all a lie and the truth had finally caught up with her! Kid's 'Louise' kept ringing in her ears while visions rolled before her eyes. Always returning to the image of Louise standing before her, looking at her, knowing her husband didn't love her.

She turned her face to watch the man sleeping besides her. His stubbed face - the breath fanning her hair. He was so handsome, no beautiful, in all aspects. He was all that she looked for in a human being, strength and compassion, kindness and integrity, all she searched for and never thought she'd find. He was all the goodness in the world to her. What had he given up for her? How much was he paying for her happiness, was this all because she one time - a very long time ago - saw him through some difficult times? Her eyes rested on him, watching him like she saw him for the first time. She had never loved anybody like this, so much that the feeling wasn't even describable in words. She wanted to give him everything he ever wanted and there was no way she could put what he meant to her in any kind of words, thoughts or concepts. Nothing could convey what he meant to her. But more than that, his happiness was at stake here and he would never put himself before her needs. It was up to her to give him the happiness he had bestowed upon her during these years. It was finally time to pay back. And there was only one way to do that, maybe she had known that all the time, ever since he spoke that one word that expressed his love, longing and hope; 'Louise'.  
 _  
You're gonna do to your children what your mother did to you?_ It's not the same, they will have a far more worthy stepmother in Louise, a woman of the world, I love them but they need the best. _They're your children!_ Children can't be owned, they can only be loved and Louise would love them better, I can't give them what she is able to give them. Class. _You're abandoning them!_ No, I'm given them a chance for a better future. _You're a bad mother!_ That's why I am willing to give them up. _You don't deserve those beautiful children, they were right all along, your mother, the abbess, you should never have been born!_ I know.

The voice in her head finally grew silent, the voice that kept reminding her, the voice that was never completely silenced. She knew that whatever she did, whatever she became, the voice would be there telling her the truth. Reminding her. Nobody would ever judge her as harshly as the voice did, whatever she did there would be no judge or jury as grim as that voice.

She turned her eyes away from the sleeping man to look out the window at the rising sun. It was a new day but for her it was a new life.

The sun seeped through the thin curtain and fell on the man at her side. Turning back she watched it caress his hair with golden tones and tickle his eyelids. Before he opened them, Celia turned her face away from the man she loved and closed her eyes. Looking at him hurt, if she did, her decision would start to falter and she'd keep him in a marriage that never should have been. Those eyes were the most beautiful sight she'd ever seen in this word and she could never meet with them again. She would have to carry the memory of them close to her heart but she could never risk meeting with them again.

Whispering her name, he scooted closer but when there was no response she sensed him move away from her. Now she knew how to handle the situation, she would never remember this man. She would deny their past together and he would have to abide by her decision. She wouldn't give him any other choice.

 

 

A knock on the door had Kid fling himself off the bed and search for his pants. Rachel peeked in. "They think they've found one of the men! But they need Celia and the girls to identify him. They'll bring him here in the afternoon. You think she can do it?"

Kid responded in the same low voice; "Rache, don't know, she doesn't even remember who I am!"

"What?"

"Something made her forget Rachel, I saw it yesterday. She got so confused by everyone and when I asked her she didn't know anybody. She looked so shocked when I told her who I was."

"Oh God! Hannah says she never dared look straight at them and she never really saw one of the men, what if it's him? Jolene says she was too afraid to even look, I don't think she'll remember either. What if...?"

"Rachel, Celia will do her utmost, she always does. And if it ain't enough - what can we do?"

"I hate to think that one of the men would go free, it's just outrageous."

"Shhh, don't put more strain on her right now Rachel, she's havin' a hell of a time coping with everything. I can tell. Can't they wait a while, does it have to happen today?"

"I'll talk to them, the Marshal is downstairs, I'll see what I can do. I don't think they can hold him too long thou'"

Kid came back to sit at her side while her mind was reeling. Why, why, why did they have to find Fred? How the hell would she arrange this one? How on earth would she pull this one through and identify Fred without admitting to having regained her memory? Damn him to be found. The familiar hands stroke her hair gently, a touch she remembered so well and she had to stop herself from throwing her arms around him. She wanted to soothe him and tell him that she sure remembered and that no-one would hurt his Louise any more, they would be safe.

"Oh God angel, I need you to remember," Kid mumbled into her hair.

Shit, was the word best describing the actual situation according to Celia. He was so close and she so wanted to enfold him in her arms and tell him everything would be alright. But she couldn't, she had to let him go. And now was high time to divert his thoughts. She opened her eyes and looked into his, he smiled and his lips touched her brow again, sending her heart pounding.   
"Mornin' angel, how ar'ya. I'm sorry, I know that's a stupid question, forgive me, you must be hurtin' so bad. Oh God how worried I was, I thought you'd die on me. I thought I'd never gonna see those eyes again. Angel I ...."

Celia knew she had to let him know he was free, right this minute. "Where's Lou?"

Kid jerked back to look at her and she realized she had made her first mistake. "You were callin' out that name in you sleep last night," she lied. Cursing herself bitterly for her slip. She still had to avoid those eyes, she had to avoid being close to him.

"Celia, look at me," Kid pleaded.

She held her face tilted away from him, why wouldn't he understand? Why didn't he take this chance that was offered to him? She felt like whacking him hard for his usual persistence. Hell, she was giving him the chance he had waited for all these years!

His hand around her chin, gently forcing her to look in his direction. But she did not dare meet with his gaze, he would probably see right through her.

"Celia, do you remember?"

"What?"

"How come you know about Lou? I ain't even mentioned her, nobody else has either, how come you remember her?"

"You kept yelling her name last night, I had to ask."

"I most certainly did not. Celia, what are you tryin' to do here?"

"I just wanted to know," she continued stubbornly, that slip of hers would not destroy her plans and haul him into a marriage that was built upon a lie. No it most certainly would not! "Would you please leave me alone for a while?"

"Angel, is there something you need?"

"I'd like to be alone," she whispered and turned her head away from his hand. The movement had the room spinning violently and she groaned. "Please, go."

But he remain where he was seated and she could feel him look at her, intently. The stare was unnerving her, she felt that all the lies she had been telling were written on her forehead, telling everybody what a dreadful person she really was. _Goddammit go! Go now and never turn back, I'm giving you the chance to bail out you fool! Nobody will force you to stay married to a crazy woman!_ "Please," she whispered.

With a deep sigh Kid leaned in to kiss her brow and Celia wanted to scream, didn't he see that having him close was wearing her out? Holding back all the emotions he evoked in her was more tiring than fighting the pain.

"I'll send Doc in sweetheart," he promised her as he rose. "I think you need those wounds tended to. But I'll be close, just holler if you need me."

She watched him close the door behind him as he stepped out. She wanted to shout 'I love you' after him, she wanted to hold him, she wanted to own him. But more than that, she wanted him to be happy.

 _Oh God why didn't you let me die?_


	17. Chapter 17

Kid had to lean up against the wall as he stepped out of the room. Something was so terribly wrong with all this, so terribly awfully wrong. Why was his wife scared of him, why was she trying to hide the fact that she remembered him? She did, he could have sworn she did. Even before mentioning Lou he had known in a strange manner that during the night something had happened. Was it him haunting her in the nightmares? Why did she avoid looking at him? Why did he scare her? He stayed leaning up against the wall, eyes closed and fists clenched. If he ever got those men that did this, he would not wait for any jury, he'd take justice into his own hands. He'd make them pay for what they had caused.

A hand on his arm had him jump in fear.

"Kid?"

"Oh God, Rachel, you scared me!"

"What's wrong Kid? Is Celia worse? Doc's just finishing his breakfast, he'll have a look at her before he goes back into town."

Kid just nodded, suddenly realizing he was too tired to talk, he was too tired to think or even exist. All he wanted right now was for those eyes inside that room to light up in pleasure as he walked in. If she even once would signal to him that she knew him and wasn't scared of him he'd walk around the earth for her. He'd do anything to just not have her look at him without fear in her eyes.

"Go get yourself some breakfast Kid, Dave and Margaret's here too. I'm sure they'd like to know how Celia is. Go in there and tell'em. Go tell'em and go be with your kids."

Rachel watched as the tired man before her nodded again and turned to walk to the kitchen. He stepped like the whole world had come crumbling down onto his shoulders. Was it because he had made his decision and dreaded telling Celia or was it something else?   
"If you really do what I think you're about to do, I'll kill you myself," Rachel muttered to herself in a fit of anger. Before opening the door, she fought hard to straighten out her facial expression, she just couldn't have Celia pick up any signs right now. Kid would have to be the one telling her. The truth this time.

 

 

Lou watched as Kid came into the kitchen, dragging his feet, looking like he had lost everything. The older woman was serving the Doctor a portion of oatmeal but had time to cast a disapproving glance on the new arrival before the girls assaulted him and climbed up in his arms. Casting a glance in Jolene's direction, she understood her daughter had picked up on the awkward mood in the kitchen too, no doubt must she be wondering what was going on while she sat peacefully and helped Noah finish his breakfast. Kid seated himself with some difficulty at Jolene's side and extended a hand to ruffle his son's hair. Noah just eyed him briefly to be able to fully enjoy the hotcakes. Emily was repeatedly asking her father about her Ma, Sarah pitching in a word every now and then to get the point in. Kid tried to persuade them to eat their breakfast before rushing in to see her but he wasn't very successful, he looked like he wanted to be with Celia himself. Lou noticed both the foreman and his wife keeping the Kid under strict surveillance while serving the doctor his second or third cup of coffee. Kid didn't even notice the somber mood in his household. With a final sigh he gave in and let his daughter's have it their way. Both girls scurried down from his lap to run to their Ma.

"Just a brief while, girls, " Doctor Schmidt shouted after them, "I will still have to examine her before I return to Rock Creek."

"Yessir," the always courteous Emily answered for them both.

"Doc, I need a word with you before you head back," Kid began as six pairs of eyes turned to scrutinize him. "In private," he added at the gathered crowd staring at him like he was a bad omen. "I just have some questions..."

Margaret slammed a cup of coffee onto the table and Kid swung back in his chair at the force with which she demonstrated her anger. Noah who had been quite innocuous about the grown-ups affairs, directing all his attention to the hotcake on his plate, was suddenly scared from all the brisk movements around him. His face started to crumble up and Jolene swiftly took him into her lap, avoiding Noah's threatening cry to add to the confusion. While she was helping him finish his meal, her eyes darted between the Kid staring at Margaret in total confusion and Dave looking at the Kid with distinct disapproval. Then she turned her gaze to her mother sitting opposite her.   
Lou just shook her head slightly in warning. Doctor Schmidt was following the drama with interest.

Dave found it safer to distract both his wife and his employer; "Do you wish for me to take care of the workers today? I mean if you're not feeling up to it I'll gladly do it but if you..."

Margaret walked back to the Kid and slammed the plate with fried bacon down under his nose so hard that the fork and knife at the side scrambled against the table.

"Huh?" Kid said.

"I said that I'll..." Dave began, looking for all the world like he wanted to be everywhere but here in this kitchen at this point.

"Sure Dave, you know what to do, go ahead. I won't be bothering you." Kid replied with his eyes locked on Margaret's talkative backside. Even Lou was able to read the anger and frustration in those tense shoulders and stiff bearing of the head. She found it safer to avoid looking at any of them, instead she concentrated on Noah and Jolene. The little boy now perfectly happy with the meal at hand.

Dave was up on his feet and on his way out of the kitchen with a visible relief on his face. Before he thanked for the meal he looked at his wife. Their eyes met over the head of the occupants at the table and Margaret's gaze spoke loud and clear of her current mood. Dave lifted his hand in a salute and stepped out.

"Missis Margaret, what's wrong?" Kid asked in low voice not to startle the little one any further.

Doctor Schmidt must have sensed an explosion nearing so he followed Dave's example, rising to his feet, he bowed in the angered woman's direction, hoping to placate her with his warm thanks for the exquisite meal. Margaret just nodded curtly in his direction and Doctor Schmidt took his bag and fled the battleground.

"What's wrong?" Kid asked again from his seat, looking at the woman who always walked around with a smile on her lips. At least when she didn't feign disgust at the sight of him. This was not feigning however, that much was clear. What he saw now was utmost dislike, if not hatred. He looked around the table to see if anybody was willing to let him in on the secret? Jolene still held his son and was obviously avoiding to look at anybody at all, just as Lou. Hannah looked straight at him but looked just as startled as he was himself.

When there was no answer, so signs whatsoever she had even heard him, he tried another angle. "Margaret, she'll be fine. She's really fine considering..." He let his voice trail off as Noah's face took on the expression of immense sadness that Kid had seen so many times during these past days. Silencing himself, he took his son out of Jolene's arms and Noah tucked his head in the crook of his neck. Kid stroke his son's hair and mumbled to him that everything was fine. He sensed that even if Noah might not understand what was going on, even he himself didn't understand, the little boy could still sense the tension in the air. The napkin Noah was holding fell to the floor and Lou bent down to take it and give it back to him.

"Here you go little one," she said soothingly.

"He ain't yours yet," Margaret sneered and stomped out of the kitchen.

Rachel turned up with and empty tray and two girls at her side. As on a cue Hannah rose with Jolene at her heels. "Gotta get to school," Hannah informed them nervously, "we'll take Sarah to Margaret's. Elijah is takin' us!"

Kid sat there, dumbfounded, stroking Noah's hair as the little boy sobbed on his shoulder. "Just be careful," he told the girls as they ran out of the house.

"What's goin' on?" Rachel asked as she saw the expression on Kid's face. "What's happenin' here?"

Kid just shook his head in her direction, telling her he really had no idea at all.

Lou peered at him; "I think we gotta talk."

 

 

Celia cursed the Doc and his medicines, sure they took the pain away but they also made her think everything but clear. And what she needed right now was to do just that, think clearly and not let her tongue slip again. She so wanted to see her son, Sarah and Emily again. She felt that these last days on the homestead, she should give them good memories and all the love she felt for them. But she would also have to somehow prepare them for what was coming. _You're abandoning them,_ the voice told her coldly. _You're gonna break their little hearts and trample all over them._ "Children forget fast" she mumbled to herself as she tried to ease herself out of the bed. _You never forgot did you?_

Celia decisively shut the thoughts assaulting her off, she had to concentrate on getting up from this bed. The damned room started spinning as soon as she lifted her head from the pillow. The thoughts kept trickling into her mind, asking her what kind of a lowlife creature she was? "I'm not abandoning them, I'll keep in touch, when they get older they can come live with me if that's their choice, I just have to give Kid what he always wanted, he did that for me." _You're not gonna be able to do it._ "The hell I won't," Celia muttered as she swung her legs over the bed. Feeling the floor beneath her feet was just wonderful and with a firm grip on the edge, she eased herself up in a standing position. Standing there, silently praying the room would stop its macabre dance, she concentrated on breathing. The window in front of her kept stretching and twirling before her eyes but she just needed to get to the drawers and find some clothes. The sooner she started walking, the sooner she would be out of here. If she just could get to that darned wardrobe that seemed located just under her nose but about a hundred miles away all the same. She had to drag her left leg as she tried to get where she wanted and her right was was trembling menacingly.

"I'll do it," she wheezed to herself. "It's just walking, can't be that hard now can it?" Looking down on the leg she cursed it. When she reached her goal and laid the sane hand on the sturdy rack of shelves, her legs gave in, no discussion about it. Gripping the chest of drawers hard, she tried to get back up but the knees bent by themselves and she found herself lying on the floor as the picture frame came sailing down and hit the floor with a crash. _You idiot, can't even walk over to put some clothes on, yeah right, this is really what the Kid needs! A incapacitated, lunatic woman to raise his children, I bet he's delirious of joy._

 

 

Doctor Schmidt rushed in followed by Kid and Lou, Rachel was peering in from outside holding Noah in her arms. _Great the butcher is back,_ Celia thought when the Doctor shook his head at her new-found inert position.

"God, what happened, Angel?" A frantic Kid sank to his knees at her side. And she just had to lie there, there was nothing she could do as her eyes fluttered shut once again.

"Angel, what are you doin'?" Kid asked again as he watched her eyes close. Realizing she wasn't conscious any longer, he scooped her up into his arms and carefully carried her back to their bed. Something was awfully wrong, she did what she usually did when cornered, she fled. But what was she fleeing from? Was she fleeing from him? Why was he scaring her?

"Doc, what's happening?" He asked in a trembling voice, hoping there might be some medical reason to her latest stunt. But deep inside he knew full well what was causing this, fear and mistrust.

"Mister O'Day, I have to tell you I have no clue. All the laudanum I gave her would inhibit her from even trying to get up. The injuries she has would most certainly inhibit her from even thinking about getting up. Lay her back so I can check if she's broken any ulterior bones in her body."

Kid closed his eyes at the Doc's statement. He sat curled up on the floor at the edge of the bed while Doc Schmidt reexamined his wife. Praying silently that she hadn't worsened her own condition. He was afraid to ask the Doc, if that was the case, he didn't want to know.

"I think she pulled this one off without any further injuries. I guess it's just the anxiety of the trauma that is making her act like this. Don't leave her alone at any time, somebody should be here always. To keep an eye on her; next time she might not be as lucky."

Kid couldn't answer the man, he just nodded instead. This was all his fault, he had walked out of the room and left her there and God only knew what kind of memories were haunting her or what kind of emotions and fears she experienced. _For God's sake, she doesn't remember me! She really doesn't know who I am at all!_ He felt sick at the thought of having left her alone to fight not only the pain but also the demons. He hated the tears that gathered in the corners of his eyes, he hated feeling this weak and scared. Unable to help her now that she needed it the most, he felt like he had abandoned her. He heard a door shut and guessed the Doctor had left.

He searched for her cold hand and took it in his, afraid to touch her, he just let it rest in his larger hand, looking at it while memories of her invaded him with a force that took his breath away. The tears started to run as he pictured the times she had been like this before, when she found out about expecting Emily and didn't want to tell him. When her fear had made her turn away from him. When they moved to Rock Creek and he asked her to marry him and she told him she wouldn't force anybody to marry her out of pity. When the women in the auxiliary had let her know she wasn't welcome in their town as an unwed mother, that she wasn't worthy. All these times she had done exactly the same, she had tried to run away from him, to shield him from the pain she assumed she brought him by being her. The shame he knew she felt over being her wonderful, stubborn, hardheaded, different and lovable self. The person he loved and the person she didn't always see eye to eye with. She truly marched to a different drum and she had marched right into his life, changing everything. Why hadn't he seen this coming? The tears rolled down his cheek and he angrily wiped them away. What had he done to her? Why had he abandoned her in her time of need?

"Kid?" Lou's soft voice broke his reveries.

"I'm fine," he said, fearing his voice wouldn't bear.

Lou seated herself down on the edge of the bed and placed a hand on Kid's shoulder. "She's been through a terrible ordeal Kid, and that head injury and all.... she'll be fine in a couple of days."

"I left her alone when she needed me Lou, I abandoned her!"

"Kid you were just in the other room!"

"You don't know about her, she must have thought that I left her. And she doesn't even remember who I am Lou, she doesn't remember anything. I think she believes she's all alone in the world and she's scared to death."

"What?"

"I could tell something was wrong Lou, other than the injuries. I saw it. And she finally told me she didn't remember me, she didn't remember anything that happened to her since she was five. She must have thought I abandoned her. Oh my God why didn't I realize what that meant to her?"

Lou had no idea how to react to his pain, she sensed there was something nobody had told her, something she needed to know. But knowing the Kid, she also knew he wouldn't tell her. Looking at the man on the floor, she told him softly; "But Kid, you're here now."

Kid lifted his eyes to look at her. "I don't think that's enough."

Lou shook her head, it would be enough for her, having Jimmy around would mean everything to her. Who was this woman not to understand that? What was she asking of the Kid, what more was there to give than his love? She just squeezed his shoulder slightly, trying to tell him to hang in there, to wait for things to change. Lifting her head, she looked straight into Celia's eyes. Celia looked like she was trying to read her mind. Those eyes seemed very coherent, searching her soul, asking her something. No anger expressed in them, only pain and a plea.   
"Celia?"

Kid turned to look at her but Celia had closed her eyes as Lou spoke.

"Angel, wake up, are you in pain? Is there something you need sweetheart? Anything, just tell me."

"Kid, I think she's sleeping. Why don't you take a nap too? You look like you need it. Haven't gotten too much sleep these past days, have you?"

He sat there at the side of the bed and held Celia's hand.

"Kid, get yourself to bed, I'll keep the door open, we'll hear if there's movements in the room. Stay here with her and take a nap before you keel over too!" It was like talking to a five year old, convincing him he had to do it for his own good even though he didn't understand what was good for him right now. Jimmy was just like that too sometimes. "Kid, please."

She had to take a hold of his shirt and drag him to his feet before he obliged. She shook her head as he carefully eased himself onto his side of the bed. Lou felt like she had to look out for them both, she had to see them both through this and for that to happen, she needed to know the whole story. And Rachel would have to tell her.

 _No don't make him do this! Take him outside, take him to your room! Don't force him to stay here! What are you doing to him?_ Celia's mind whirled as she felt the bed move as Kid gently laid himself down at her side. _He loves you you fool, always has. Can't you both see reason? Do I have to whack it into your thick skulls?  
_  
The hand she knew so well reached for hers again and Celia knew she wouldn't stand this for long. Having him this close had her heart beat fast in anxiety because she knew she would have to let him go. She stayed perfectly still although all she wanted was to curl up in his lap and kiss his lips. She wanted to feel his warmth and love. _It's not yours any longer you fool, never was, he married you coz' you were there and she wasn't. He married you coz' you were expecting his child. Love had nothing to do with it. You love him and he shouldn't be paying for that, not the prize he has been paying till now. Let him go, now!_

The fingertips trailing her face made her anxiety vanish like magic. He wasn't hers but her body didn't recognize this simple fact. It reacted with ease as he touched her.

 _You won't be able to leave him, you'll hang around ruining his life._   
_No I will not, I'll leave, I'll probably go to pieces but I will leave.  
_  
The thought that she wouldn't be able to do as she'd set out to do kept nagging her and his presence was both unnerving her and calming her. She fell asleep lulled by the mumbling voice and the fingertips caressing her chin.   
_Don't ever forget what you're about to do,_ she told herself sternly just before she drifted off into total peace.

 

 

Lou made her way back to the kitchen where a pale Rachel sat staring blindly at Noah chasing the cat over the floor. His happy giggles contrasted sharply with Rachel tense appearance and her pallor. Lou sat down at her side on the settee and watched the little toddler run around the kitchen with the cat. She wanted Rachel to strike up the conversation first since she had no idea what Rachel was thinking right now. But her friend sat silently at her side, not uttering one word, just looking at the little boy.

"Rachel, I need to know what's going on here and so does Kid. You have to tell him why Margaret is acting the way she is. Is it my fault?"

There was no response.

"I gathered as much," Lou nodded, "but you are all wrong. I am so sorry if I've led you into thinking what you're thinking right now because you're wrong."

"Am I?"

"You know you are."

"Celia saw it before I even did Louise, she asked me and I told her she had nothing to worry about. Did I lie to her?"

"No, you didn't. Celia has nothing to worry about if we're talkin' about the Kid and me. But there's something you all ain't telling me. Who is she Rachel, who is Celia? I need to know to help her and Kid. I can't keep walkin' around not knowing what I'm stepping into."

"You'll have to ask Celia herself, Lou."

"She's too sick, Rachel and Kid seems to be falling into pieces over something. He says he shouldn't have abandoned her. What is this all about, why can't you tell me?"

"Well, she's an orphan just like you all, only difference is that she was abandoned on a winter night, she was left to die."

"Oh my God," Lou inhaled sharply in shock, "who would do a thing like that?"

"Her mother," Rachel spoke bitterly. "And I don't think Celia's ever completely trusted anyone ever since. She was picked on at the orphanage, bullied. That didn't help matters, she learned quick enough that fleeing was the only way to stay alive, at least physically. I'm afraid that's what she's planning right now, she'll just leave the two of you alone cause that's the only way she knows how to handle the situation."

"I'm sorry Rachel, I had no idea."

"I know, you had no way of knowing. But both me and Kid can see it, the fear and anguish in her eyes. That's why Kid is falling to pieces, he thinks he put it there and I'm not exactly sure he didn't."

"How on earth did he put it there?"

"I don't know exactly but I feel like what little trust she had gained in human kind is gone, completely gone."

"It'll come back Rachel, it will. After what she went through, you'd be crazy if you weren't badly shook up. You'll see she'll understand she was wrong in assuming what you think she is assuming. Rachel, he loves her, you should have seen him when we found her. I've never seen the Kid like that, it was heartbreaking. She'll understand that she has all that love, she will."

"Trust is the hardest thing to rebuild Louise, there's nothing that's so easily trashed as your trust in another."

Lou saw the Kid's pale face before her as she told him she was marrying Jimmy. Shrugging at the thought she realized Kid did not trust her any longer, not since those words. Rachel was right, it did not take much to destroy the trust somebody had in you. It was a very precious and fragile notion that could be wiped away by the smallest of things.

"I'm sorry Lou, for the harsh words the other night, I had no right, I lashed out at you because I was scared. I should have known you better, I should have..."

"Shh, Rachel, it's alright, God knows I've said and done thing I wish I could take back. But they're said an' done and all I can do is repair the damage."

Rachel finally looked at her and when Lou smiled at her friend, she was embraced into a bear hug. Lou answered the warm hug, knowing Rachel had finally understood that she wasn't that different, she wasn't as bad as they all thought she was. "We'll all help her get that trust back Rachel, I promise you we will."

 

 

"Oh God Lou, they'll bring that man over tomorrow night, I told them today was too early. What if she doesn't remember him?"

"If she doesn't, she doesn't Rachel, we can't force her to."

"I just hope Hannah or Jolene will, this man needs to hang. If anybody needed to hang, this one does."

"I know, Rachel I know, but if not - well, then we'll have to live with that too."

"I don't know if I can Lou, this man was about to take the..." She stopped and took Lou's face in her hands. "I'm so sorry Louise, you've lost so much, I wasn't thinkin', I'm sorry."

"What's lost is lost Rachel, there's nothing you can do about that." Tears rolled down her cheek as she spoke but Jimmy's warm smile rested securely in her heart. He wasn't completely lost, he was still there, locked inside her still beating heart.


	18. Chapter 18

Lou woke by the sun warming her face. Opening her eyes she understood they must have let her sleep in, it seemed midday already. With a groan she slid out of bed, the last days events had her muscles aching and stiff. It just didn't feel right when she knew the whole household was buzzing with activities and she was allowed to sleep in. She looked at herself in the mirror, last night had finally made her seem human again, gone was the dirt that had seemed to eat itself into her skin. She felt fresh and finally fit to meet another day. Walking out of the room, she paused in mid-stride when she realized that her first thoughts this morning had not been longing for Jimmy.   
"I'm sorry sweetheart, but with all this happenin'-. I'm just so confused right now, it don't mean I don't love you anymore, you're still in my heart, angel." She heard the voice of little Noah and steered her steps in that direction. She found Rachel sitting on the porch with Noah at her side, babbling happily about the prospects of going riding in the buggy with Margaret. He was sure he'd get a lollipop when they got into town. Lou smiled at the ease of a little child's happiness, the small things that brightened the day at that age.   
"Mornin'," she said.

"Oh, hey Lou, slept well?" Rachel said in her direction. Little Noah looked shyly at her. Lou extended a hand to ruffle his hair. Receiving a shy smile in response.

"Like a rock," Lou admitted, "but you should have woken me up."

"Nah, you needed some sleep. I'll come fix you some breakfast." Rachel was already rising to her feet but Lou stopped her.

"I'll re-heat some coffee and have some bread Rachel, no need for you to get up. I can fix it for myself."

It felt ordinary and safe to do the things she usually did early in the morning, making coffee and tidying the kitchen. It wasn't her kitchen but it still felt soothing to finally be able to pull her weight and not be the burden she had been to this family since she arrived. The dishes from the morning meal were still soaking so she started a fire in the stove and filled a pan with water. The daily routines in a household she once had hated doing now brought her comfort. She started humming to herself as she took the cloth and wiped the already shining counter. Smiling at the sound of Noah's happy squeal when the wagon arrived and he was off to Rock Creek. She felt like humming herself, things were starting to finally settle.

"You wait right there angel, no stunts, I'll help you but I have to get some water first." Kid's determined voice reached her and she put the cloth down to see what was going on.

He emerged from the master bedroom and shook his head as he met with Lou. "She wants to clean up. I've been trying to tell her she looks just fine but she's insisting."

"It's okay Kid, I just put some water on, it'll be done shortly."

"This is not a good idea Lou, she'll get those wounds infected."

"You just gotta help her."

"Yeah right, if she lets me."

"She will, hang on Kid, I have this beautiful rosy soap I bought in Denver. It's still unused, I'll go get it." Relieved to be able to start repaying her debt to the woman, she ran up to her room and found the soap. The same soap Jimmy used to buy her. As she came back down, Kid was pouring water into a porcelain basin, filling it up with cold water, sticking his elbow in it to check the temperature. Lou smiled at the picture, he was an experienced baby bather, she could tell. "I'll go get some fresh bandages," she told him as he seemed done. "Doc left us plenty, you go get Celia."

"No need," the woman said, standing in the doorway, shivering violently, holding on for life. "I-I'm up."

"Kid!" Lou hollered.

Kid rushed out of the bathroom and ran to his wife. She protested as he bent down and scooped her up in his lap. "Never listening are you angel, I told you I'd come get you."

"I'm fine."

"Don't look like that to me. Damn, your knee is dislocated and your arm is broken. You just had a major operation and I'm not even mentioning the bump you've got on your head and you keep disobeying me. What do I have to do with you, you're killing me here!"

"I'm fine!"

Lou smiled, Kid had found his match in hard-headedness. No doubt about it. His sigh as he carried Celia into the bathroom told her he knew it too. She went to fetch the needed items. She heard Kid's sermon through the open door even though she couldn't make the words out, he sounded like a father scolding a five year old for insubordination. She knocked on the door in the middle of Kid's mumbles.

"Take this one away from here," Celia begged from inside.

"You're not doing this on your own sweetheart, no way in hell you are."

There was complete silence as Lou stepped in and found the two in a staring contest. She put the bandages and the soap down at the side of the basin.

"You're not," Kid told his wife decisively. "I want to help you, I need to do this sweetheart, please let me help you." His voice had softened into a whisper. Celia turned and looked at Lou, a plea in the bright eyes. She looked so scared.

"Kid, maybe you should...."

"Lou, I've done this before, I know what to do."

"Alright then, just be careful. I'll go heat some more water. Holler if you need anything." Celia's eyes were begging her as she turned and walked out. Lou felt like she was betraying her.

 

 

He wouldn't budge, Kid wouldn't budge this time, she felt that. He must still be feeling indebted to her. She hated that. Why didn't they all go away and leave her alone? Why was he doing this to her, helping her? He should be with Louise. The beautiful woman that he loved.

"Angel, I'll take this bandage off now, please tell me if I'm hurting you. Then I'll wash your face, Lou gave you this soap, says it's a new rosy brand an' all."

She just nodded, she didn't have the strength to fight him any longer. Right now she had no strength at all, her decisions seemed to be fading away and she had to keep focused on not letting this man know she loved him.

"Angel, I can't take that bandage around your ribs away, I'm too scared. I'd probably faint, honey. You'll have to wait until Doc gets back here. Can you do that?"

He helped her wash, talking softly to her, telling her Doc had washed her before the operation, telling her she looked just fine. She knew he wanted her to hurry up, he probably had better things to do. But she felt so tainted and dirty, the smell of the medications lingering around her, constantly reminding her of what she was putting the Kid through. She wanted to wash everything away, she wanted to wash all the lies, the memories and the weakness she felt away. Keeping her head down in shame over what she forced him to go through, she jumped as his lips touched her cheek. "I love you angel, you're so beautiful. Are you okay?"

"Fine," she mumbled with her head down.

"You wouldn't tell me if you weren't sweetheart, would you? Oh God, what happened to you, why are you scared of me?"

Scared? Did he think she was afraid of him? Didn't he know that she wasn't able to look at him because she'd be falling into his lap crying, begging him to stay? Degrading herself into a sobbing stinking unworthy human being? Scared? She raised her head to look at him, steeling herself as she did, not to let her love for the most kind human being she had ever had the honor of knowing, shine through. If he saw her need, he'd do anything to to give her what she wanted. She knew him too well to let that happen. "I'm not afraid of you," she told him. "I just d-don't know you," she lied while begging for forgiveness.

"I love you angel, that is really everything you need to know right now."

The hand on her face, trailing her features, tentatively touching her. All she wanted was to throw her arms around him and kiss him, telling him she loved him, always had and always would. She wanted to hold him close and tell him never to leave her. But he was lying, he was fooling himself. Relieved she saw Lou appearing in the doorway, a steaming kettle in her hands.

"I brought you some..." she paused in the middle of the sentence, sensing she had walked in on a delicate situation. Damned, she seemed to always do this to the two of them. "...more hot water," she finished her sentence with an apologetic smile. "I'll just put it down here."

"Help me wash my hair?" Celia begged looking at her, "please?" Her voice expressing panic.

Kid looked back at his wife, his eyes filling with tears. Then he took Celia's hand into his and kissed the fingertips. "I'll go fix some more water," he said huskily before rising to his feet. Lou sank to her knees in front of the woman sitting on the floor, her eyes following Kid as he walked out. She looked like she wanted to run after him, the love and sorrow that shone in her eyes had Lou extend a hand and place it on her arm. "He just went to put on some more water Celia, he'll be back."

"Watch out for him Louise, he's not as strong as he seems to be," Celia told her and Lou furrowed her brow, what was she talking about.

"What ya mean Celia?"

" Just be kind to him, Louise."

"Sure, let me help you wash your hair and you'll feel much better. I guess men don't understand that with you hair dirty you feel like dirt all over. Once Jimmy hauled me and Jolene all the way to New York to watch Cody and his show and I couldn't take a bath for a week. When we arrived, Jimmy was ready to make the town all at once while I screamed for a long hot bath. Men just don't understand, do they? I remember those long dusty rides at the Pony Express too, boy did they take it out of you or what! I mean, you arrive to a town with five pounds of dust on your face, clothes and hair. Then there was no room to wash properly, seeing nobody knew I was a girl and the next day I usually turned back and arrived at the homestation with another pound or two of dust. It was awful. Except when it rained, then there was all this mud. I tell you, if you've not once laid with your nose in the mud, you haven't lived."

She was blabbering hysterically, she knew that, but something about Celia's words had her unnerved. She sensed Celia was trying to tell her something, something she couldn't express in words. Lou wasn't ready to hear it, maybe Celia had really seen right through her and knew why she had come. Or at least why she thought she had come. But after what had happened and what she know knew, she just wanted to forget everything. So she kept her rambling while she washed Celia's long hair. Celia smiled from time to time at her tale and Lou found herself liking the woman more and more. Soon enough she found herself telling Celia about Jimmy and their lives together, there was something in this woman that had her open her heart and pour it all out. Telling her about the towns they'd lived in, the hardships, the love she felt. Then she realized in shame that she was telling Celia everything, except her feelings for the Kid. Her husband. The feelings she still had somewhere deep inside, the memories. She bit her lip and stayed silent while rinsing Celia's hair.

Celia lent back towards the wall and smiled. "Thank you, Louise."

Louise looked at her, really looked at her for the first time. The woman smiled at her, no animosity or hostility, only gratitude and understanding. This woman had sheltered her only daughter and paid a high prize for doing so. The daughter she had conceived with the man that now was her husband. She could just as easily have turned her back on her and saved herself instead of struggling to save Jolene. This woman that now sat before her had saved her daughter's life, and hers too in a way. If she had lost Jolene, there would be nothing for her left in this world.

"No Celia, thank you." Lou took her hand and squeezed it slightly. "Thank you for saving Jolene. I-I can't begin to tell you..."

"Louise, I don't even remember so there's really nothing for you to be grateful for. Anyone would have done..."

"No Celia, few would have done what you did." She looked at the woman again and saw something in those eyes that told her about an immense compassion. "Anything you ever need, just tell me."

Celia gripped her hand tighter and she looked pleadingly at her. "Just take care of him."

Kid appeared in the doorway, more composed now. Lou looked up at him where he stood with the steaming kettle in his hands. Lou wanted to ask Celia what she meant, she wanted Celia to express what Lou thought she intended by those words so they could clear up the misunderstanding. But when Kid turned up Celia seemed to vanish behind a wall. Celia looked to the floor and Lou rose to her feet.

"Kid, we're almost done. I'll just put the bandage on."

"Alright then ladies, I'll return to the kitchen to depose of my burden and then return for my bride." He smiled at them as he walked away. At his words Lou detected Celia's increasing discomfort. She knelt down again.   
"Celia, are you okay?"

She looked down at the floor but nodded. Lou extended a hand to lay it on her forehead, maybe she had overdone it? "Celia, please, how are ya feelin'?"

"I'm fine," the woman said quietly but Lou sensed she wasn't. In a hurry she put the bandage back on, covering the nasty gash on the forehead. "Celia, are you feelin' faint?"

There was no time for her to answer as Kid returned and Lou scooted over to give him room.

"Come on Angel, I'll take you back."

"No, I wanna walk!"

"Shh sweetheart, not right now. You must be beat from all this. You gotta rest honey, you'll have all the time in the world later on, but right now, please do as I say, please rest."

"But..."

"Shh, no buts honey, you can but me all you want later but not right now."

Lou just stood back as he took Celia into his arms and carried her out of the room with the basin. Celia's sane hand gripped his shirt hard as he carried her out. Over his shoulder she looked right at Lou, the world 'please' painted on her face. Lou was more bewildered than ever, what was it she wanted? Following the pair with her eyes until they disappeared into the room, Lou searched her mind for an explanation to all this. What was it Celia asked for, why wouldn't she say it out loud? She wanted to help her, by God she would do anything if she just asked! But she didn't, she didn't ask but she still wanted something. Lou felt she had to ask the Kid, he was right, something was terribly wrong.

 

 

 _  
She doesn't understand! Why doesn't she understand, they love each other!_ For the first time in ages Celia wanted to cry as she seemed incapable of telling the two that they were free to love each other again. Only thing she wished for was that they would take care of each other and be happy. And they feigned there was nothing between them. She had to close her eyes as Kid laid her down in their bed, it was really all her fault. If she wasn't laid up like this they'd be free already, not having to look out for her. Why were they doing it? She so hated being like this, the anger she felt for herself and her incapability kept rising with each day. She should be on her way right now, why did they keep helping her, if they didn't, she'd be forced to find other ways. They'd be rid of her sooner like that, didn't they understand this?

"Celia sweetheart, I'll let you sleep in just a while but I'll have to change your gown, you're all wet!"

"I want Rachel to do that," Celia stammered. Enough was enough, she needed to be left alone. Having Kid around was tearing her apart.

"Angel, I know you don't remember but I've seen you without clothes before. More times than you can imagine. And I like you without clothes on, I like you very much like that!"

He sat down on the edge of the bed and started freeing her of the wet gown. Tears started to well in her eyes and she bit her lip hard. He would remember her like this, all bruised and beat up. Even his memories of her would be tainted.

"See that?" Kid pointed to her elbow. "That scar right there you got the first year we met when you stumbled down that rocky path. I thought you had broken every bone in your body but you just stood up and cussed. I won't repeat the words coz' they were kinda harsh. When I tried to take a look at it, you wouldn't let me. I was so angry with you then but you just didn't listen. That night I waited till you fell asleep and then I sneaked out to get water to clean the wound. Gosh were you angry, I had to hold you down with my leg before you eased up."

Kid looked at her and smiled and Celia couldn't stand the look on his face and looked down on the scar instead. "I don't remember," she lied. She remember that instance clear as if happened yesterday. The sneaky thing had feigned sleep just to assault her and look at her ugliness.

"I know every inch of your body angel, I know so much about you. This one here," he bent down to kiss her shoulder, "you got when you fell off Spooky." His lips on her shoulder had her shiver, remembering them in the darkness, holding each other close, making love to each other. Knowing she'd never experience that again, she wanted to crawl up in his lap and ask him to hold her tight. She wanted to ask him to hold her forever and never let go. At her shiver Kid looked at her.

"I'm cold," she lied.

"Sorry sweetheart, I wasn't thinking." He helped get into the new gown, kissing her shoulder anew when he was done. "Now you gotta get some rest, they're bringing that man over tonight. Are you up to it, will you be okay?"

"I'll be fine," she promised and snuggled into the pillow.

"I'll stay here till you fall asleep."

 _I love you,_ she thought, _goddammit, I love you so much it hurts Kid._ "No you go Kid, I'll be fine."

She was mumbling into the pillow and Kid smiled at her, she was so sweet when she tried to stay awake. Like a small child refusing to fall asleep in case something grand happened and she would miss it, just like Sarah did. She sure was her daughter alright, even if they were tired to the bone, they had to stay up, just in case. He stroke her soft chin and whispered to her: "I ain't goin' anywhere."

 

 

Lou waited anxiously for Kid to get out of the room. Pacing the hallway, she glanced at the door, hoping it would open. She needed to have that talk with him right now since they were alone in the house. The more she thought about one of the men still being on the loose, the more it worried her. Her daughter was still in danger and she had to do something about that. The more she thought about it the more frantic she got at the idea of one of the lowlifes still being out there. When she had paced the length of the hallway ten times she walked up to the closed door and knocked. She heard somebody rise and walk over in her direction. She opened the door to a crack and looked right into Kid's eyes.   
"We need to talk!"

Kid glanced over his shoulder at the sleeping woman. Having assured himself she was sleeping calmly, he eased himself out of the door.   
"What now?"

"Jolene," Lou stated with determination. "What if Celia can't recognize the man and one of the murderers are still out there! What about Jolene?" During the night Rachel words had finally sunken in. In the darkness the problem seemed to grow. Rachel was right, if somebody needed to hang, it was this man. The man that had done this to Celia and the girls.

Kid opened his mouth to say something but then he changed his mind and dragged her away from the closed door. He walked into the kitchen and Lou tagged along. Without a word he motioned for her to sit down before he started grinding the coffee. Meticulously he worked the coffee-grinder and measured it up with all but expertise. Lou's impatience grew with each minute. When he remain staring into the pot, waiting for the water to boil she was about to scream.

"Kid," she groaned with irritation, "the man might still be out there, I'm scared!"

Kid turned to her. "Lou, I can't tell you what to do about your daughter. You're welcome to stay here until Celia gets better, that's all I can tell you. Celia will have to decide. You're too late, Lou."

"Too late for what? She's your daughter too!"

"No, she ain't." Kid shook his head. "I might have been part of concieving her but I never saw her growing up, I never held her when she was little, I didn't take her down to the creek to bait the hooks for her when fishing. Never read her any goodnight stories. Jimmy did all that, he's her father. You know that, Lou. You made that choice yourself a very long time ago. It takes more to be a father than just conceiving a child."

"I know Kid, I know. But I promised Jimmy to tell you. He wanted you to know. But what about Jolene, you don't think I should tell her?"

"If you intended to tell her you should've done it years ago. What will it accomplish now? She'll just know that her father and mother lied to her. You want that? It's too late Lou, I can't be any part of it any longer, I'll provide for her, for both of you, but that's all I can do."

Lou nodded, she had known this, somewhere deep inside she had known it was too late to change things now. It shouldn't have been brought up at all. "You're right Kid, it's too late."

Kid put a cup under her nose and poured hot steaming coffee into it. She lifted her head once again to look into those blue eyes to see what they held for her. If anything?

He looked back at her and smiled softly. But his eyes told her there was nothing else than a shaky friendship, if even that. Too much had happened and Kid had changed. Kid had found another love. And that hurt, it hurt her that he didn't recognize his daughter, it hurt that he told her straight to her face that it was too late. It hurt her that he loved somebody else. Now she understood what he must have felt the day she told him about Jimmy and her getting married. And most of all, it hurt that she didn't have anybody to love, her love for Jolene was different, so different. It was probably stronger than the love between a man and a woman, but it still was very different. Suddenly she wasn't able to stay in the same room with him any longer, she didn't want him to see her tears.   
"I'll finish the beans for dinner," she mumbled as she started out.

"You don't have to."

"We still need to eat, don't we?" Her voice was trembling as she spoke though she was forcing herself to sound gleeful.

"I'm sorry Lou, didn't mean to sound so harsh, but I truly can't see the point in telling Jolene."

"I know," Lou sobbed and turned back to face him. "It's just...Jimmy and me felt so bad when we realized...he always wanted you to know. He wanted your forgiveness." She hid her face in her hands, not wanting him to see her tears.

His arms came around her. "Shh Lou, you have nothing to ask forgiveness for, neither you nor Jimmy. You loved each other. I didn't understand it then but I do now. Jimmy was my friend and he took care of you. I'm grateful for that, I'm glad you loved each other."

She cried onto his chest while he rocked her. This was really what she had wanted to hear all this time. That Kid held no grudges against her. That he understood. "I'm sorry Kid, I just want you to be my friend. God knows I need that most of all right now."

"I'm here Lou," he said quietly and Lou knew he meant it. Kid had so much to share. His love for Celia did not hinder him from being her friend. That was a feature she had always admired in Kid, his readiness to just be there for anybody. Slowly she freed herself from his embrace. Looking at him, seeing him as something new. A friend.

"Thanks, Kid."

Kid smiled at her, "will you be fine?"

"Sure I'll be fine, I'll just go clean those beans. Just need some time alone right now. You want those beans baked of stewed?"

"Whatever," Kid said, "beans just don't matter to me right now. I'll go sit with Celia, just come tell me if you need something."

Lou nodded and turned to walk out, feeling more indebted than ever. How come he was capable of easing her pain and she could do nothing for him? She so wanted to do something to ease his pain too.

 

Arriving on the porch Lou sank down and hid her face in her palms. She felt a strange relief in the midst of the deep sorrow. At least Kid would see to it Jolene wouldn't have to be hungry, that was at least something. And he was right, she was too late, Jolene only knew one father, Jimmy, and so it should remain. Jolene was Jimmy's and hers, nobody else's.   
"I told him Jimmy and you were right, he will provide for her,for us. I know that but it still don't feel right. My life can't stop here, Jimmy, I won't be staying, we will find something else. Something you would've been proud of. That I can promise you, my love, and that's a promise I intend to keep. I'll find my way."


	19. Chapter 19

"They're comin!" Rachel yelled as she spotted the wagon surrounded by five deputies.

Five pairs of boots scraped against the floor as they all rose and looked out the window. Hannah and Jolene with fearful eyes, Lou holding them both close. Matthew stared pensively out of the window while clutching the shotgun in his hand.

"I'll get Angel," Kid said as he turned on his heels. "Rachel, please check the cushions!"

"Sure Kid," she said with half a smile, Kid had been fighting Celia about her getting up to identify the man in the parlor instead of through the bedroom window. He had lost the argument and was irritated. Hissing at them to make sure nothing would hurt Celia further. As he carried her into the parlor, they all heard him muttering while he walked. "You would've been just as able to see him through the window, why you have to be so stubborn? I swear I'll have the Doc come in once a day to check on ya, I know how much you like that. If you only for once in your life would listen to me I'd be eternally grateful. I'm just tellin' ya."

"Rachel, please take'm away. My ears are gettin' sore!"

"That's not the only thing that's gonna be sore on ya angel, you should be in bed. If you faint and fall off this chair and hurt yourself, know that you've killed me!"

Rachel shook her head in Kid's direction, he was wearing her out too. "Kid, it won't take long!"

With a sigh Kid dragged a stool to the side of the chair and flung himself down on it.

Rachel glanced at Celia, she seemed tense and weary, no - skittish. Like if she wanted to hide from the world, not knowing what to do next. It must be hard to lose one's memory, Rachel couldn't begin to imagine what it must feel like. They must all be new to her and they all knew her so well, forgetting that she didn't know them at all. She walked over to the pair and sat herself down on the armrest. "I'll be here, anything you need, just let me know."

Celia looked up at her and smiled, "I'll be fine."

Rachel wanted to hug her. That was all she ever told them, that she would be fine. Maybe she had lost her memory but it was still Celia, through and through, sitting there, never asking for anything. Except for Kid to shut up. Each time Celia had given birth and Kid had been wandering around asking them how it was going through the door, shouting louder each time, Celia had gripped her arm and begged her to make the Kid shut up. Rachel had never succeeded, only cure was to let the nervous man inside. Causing Celia to glare angrily at her between each contraction. Celia was comforting the Kid more than the other way around, during childbirth. Smiling at the woman in the chair, she stroke her hair, Celia must have forgotten that too. The Kid as he held his newborns and smiled the silliest of smiles. Looking at the babies like they were solid gold. Finding traces of Celia in the fingers and toes when he counted them, shedding tears when the little ones gripped his fingers. Cooing and talking gibberish to his newborns. He did the same thing, each and every time.

"They're here!"

Matthew's voice startled her, she had been lost in memories and forgotten about the severity of the moment. She looked in the girls' direction, assuring herself they were safe. Lou was holding their hands and Hannah stepped behind her friend's mother to shield herself.

Kid scooted closer still to the chair and took Celia's hand into his. Rachel saw his jaws tightening.

When the door opened everybody held their breaths awaiting to see a monster, an aberration of some kind. Something that was not human. Four deputies pointed their guns to a man with cuffs around his legs and wrists. Rachel looked in Jolene's and Hannah's direction. They looked at the man and shook their heads, they just didn't know. Rachel turned back to look at the man. He was small and thin, scrawny really, around thirty-five. He looked nothing like what she had expected. Was this really him? She turned to look at Celia. She held her eyes steady on the man, as if waiting for something. Briefly Kid's and Rachel's eyes met, both wondering.

 

 

 _He looks so small, was this really one of the boys that had her terrified. Now he seemed so lost. He cant be much taller than I am. Oh Freddy, how did you get into this mess? You're gonna be hanged and I don't want you to. When Jolene and Hannah point you out, you're gonna hang!_

Following his gaze as it wandered over to the girls, hiding behind Lou, she saw them shake their heads. Surprised she looked back at the man. Of course they weren't able to recognize him, gone was the hat and the bandana shielding his face. The coat he wore was another. Only she knew, she had seen his eyes, she knew him.

He turned to look at her and when their eyes met a shiver ran through her. Those eyes showed relief upon seeing her. Relief that she was alive. He was the one helping her all along, he had saved her life out there. She couldn't break the gaze, looking into the eyes of the man, she felt no fear or disgust, only gratitude. He had saved her. How could she ever send him to the gallows? She just couldn't. Somebody else would have to do that. Not her. The images from the night flashed before her eyes and she had to bite down on her lip. Trying to read the eyes that rested on her, seeing if he was sorry for what he had done, she remain transfixed by the eyes. All she saw in them was sorrow and defeat. He awaited for her to say the words that would end his life. The defeat of a man knowing he was going to hell. But she couldn't send him there, she had no right to.   
"I don't remember" she said, sinking back into the chair. "I'm sorry". _Am I doing the right thing? Am I failing them all?_

"Anybody else recognize this man?" The Marshal asked around the room, getting nothing but denying head shakes. How about you, missis Hickok?"

Lou wished with all her heart she would have recognized the man. But this one she had never seen before. She shook her head in the Marshal's direction.

The man looked back at her, clearly disappointed. "Well, I guess you're free then. We'll let you go outside the county line, and I advice you to never come back."

 

 

They all watched in silence as the men walked out. Kid's gaze never leaving Celia's face. He had seen the fear flash in her eyes, followed by the compassion only Celia was capable of. It was not just turning the other cheek, it was understanding why it had to be this way, why what happened had happened. Like she saw through the situation and understood the reasons. Kid shuddered at the insight. Celia had recognized the man but decided to let him run. Kid felt he needed to understand why, he needed her to tell him.

"Come on sweetheart, I'll get you to our room."

She said nothing as he lifted her into his arms. But he felt the tension in her whole body, a tension he needed to relieve. If he only knew how.

 

 

Kid was standing at the corral fence, looking on the young foal running happily with the mare. The sun hung low on the horizon and Lou paused in her stride and took in the view of the animals, the love they shared seemed so easy, so pure. Were animals truer to their own feelings, more able to love than human beings? Lou smiled at her own thoughts, Celia had started to get to her, that was her view on life. It was the voice of Celia telling Noah why you shouldn't pull the legs off spiders. Lou had to smile at the memory of their conversation.

The mare walked up to the man standing at the fence and begged for goodies, nuzzling the man's hair, begging to be scratched. The mare seemed like a younger version of Katy and sure enough, Kid absentmindedly rubbed the mare's neck and mumbled. The mare answered with a low snort of pleasure. Lou finally decided to at least try and talk to her old friend - wrong, old lover - and just be there for him, now that he seemed so lost. She smiled at her daughter and Hannah playing with the two girls on the yard while Noah ran around Will, trying to catch him. Matthew held them all under supervision. It seemed like a perfect day, happy children and hungry men waiting for their dinner.

"Kid?" She started tentatively as she cautiously walked closer. He didn't answer and Lou saw him stiffen and his stance get wary. Even the mare withdrew as her master changed frame of mind in the blink of an eye. Lou reached his side and leaned up against the railing at his side.   
"You okay, Kid? "

There still was no answer and Lou glanced briefly in his direction, his eyes had gotten harder. There was a bitterness in the gaze she hadn't ever seen before. It only softened as it followed the movements of the young foal following the mare in a wild playful buck of joeux du vivre. When the young colt dashed before Kid, brushing against his hands on the railing, Lou could have sworn tears brimmed in the man's eyes.

"She'll get her memory back Kid, I know it. Remember it happened to you too and you got yours back."

"What if she doesn't want to get the memories back, Lou?"

"I don't think one can choose, Kid. They either come or they stay away forever, you heard the Doc."

"Worst thing is that she's still the same to me, but I'm nobody to her." Kid's hands gripped the railing hard as if speaking the words hurt him physically.

Lou laid a hand on the tense arm. "She'll remember, Kid."

"I think she remembers but she's trying to give me the chance to bail out. She's giving me an easy way out. And I can't seem to convince her she's wrong, I don't want any easy way out, I want her. And I've probably destroyed all her trust in me with just one thought."

Lou looked at the man and wondered what he was rambling about. "I don't understand?"

"That night when I walked you home, I wanted to kiss you, I really did. I regretted it immediately and stayed in the stables with that colicky horse, I didn't have to, but I couldn't face Angel right then, I knew she'd see right through me. And she did, she knows me better than I know myself, Lou. And I trust her with everything and I still let her down."

"Kid," Lou groaned, "it was just a thought! Nobody can blame you for thinking."

"I can." Kid spoke softly, "she told me when she agreed to marry me that all she wanted was the truth, in all cases, how ugly it ever may be. She asked for complete honesty between the two of us and I failed."

"Complete honesty is hard Kid, nobody can ask that from anybody."

"That's what she gives me, Lou. She's giving it to me right now even thou' you may not understand it. She's telling me to choose you and she'll disappear out of my life. I understand that now, I didn't see it earlier but that's what she's doing."

"But that's wrong!"

"Not to her, she's willing to sacrifice anything except her self-respect."

"She'd be willing to sacrifice her family?"

"She wouldn't stay around and live a lie, and that's partly why I love her so much. But now it's destroying my life instead."

"But it wouldn't be a lie!"

"I know Lou, only thing is that I have to convince her but she's hiding behind those same walls as when I met her. You can't touch her where she is right now, nothing or nobody can."

"I wish she'd remember what happened to her. Maybe she'd be able to cope if she remembered?" Lou mused, trying to put herself in Celia's place.

"She's coping far too good. I wish she'd let those walls down and let me in. I wish she'd find the strength and trust in me to let it all out."

"A good cry you mean?" Lou said and remembered how the tension inside her had subdued the moment she had let her tears run freely the first time after Jimmy's death. How a simple action like that had cleansed her from months of bottled up emotions and laid them in front of her so that she could start working through them. Sort them out and finally understand.

Kid smiled sadly and shook his head. "I ain't asking for miracles, Lou. Angel's never cried as long as I've known her, she's never shed a tear. She curses and spits and lashes out but never cries. She's afraid of crying, says she'd rather die than degrade herself like that."

"She sure is something else," Lou remarked in amazement. "Never cried, huh?"

Kid shook his head and Lou saw tears forming in his eyes. "Never," he cracked, "and I didn't even realize it until now but it must mean she never trusted me the way I trust her. I never got through that last wall and now it might be too late."

She laid a hand on the tense back. "No, Kid, you're both alive, it's not too late." Her own eyes brimming over at the thought of Jimmy, it was too late for them, Jimmy was dead and she had to walk all alone through this world. He would never be at her side again. She now knew Kid had found his soulmate in Celia just like she had in Jimmy. And that kind of union was both consuming and reinforcing. That kind of union was a once in a lifetime deal and only if you were really lucky.

 

 

She left him standing at the corral, the mare walking up to him again. Comforting him in his sorrow while her offspring swiped his hat off and threw it in the dirt, galloping away in fear of its own actions that caused hats to drop. Kid didn't move. Lou walked away to meet the woman Kid loved, to meet her as a friend and help her if she was capable. It was high time she finally got to know the woman that held Kid's heart. It was high time she got out of the prison she had built herself, the prison of grief and hate turned into envy and denial. A confinement that had taken part of her away.

Lou peeked into the master bedroom and found Celia sitting in the chair by the window. The pallor startled Lou, the woman's whole appearance spoke of the immense pain and weariness she must be experiencing, her breath still labored as a result from the last days events. But her eyes rested on the man standing at the corral, her fingers unconsciously drawing circles on the coarse material of the chair, expressing her longing for the man she was watching.

"Celia," Lou called out softly and the woman in the chair jerked her eyes in her direction. Lou saw a glimpse of fear before Celia got her mask on. Lou guessed Kid had been right, Celia remembered and was trying to bail out. She struggled to get to a standing position, grimacing in pain as her knee wouldn't let her and she had to give in. With a tense voice she greeted Lou.

Lou approached her cautiously, feeling like she was intruding. "Can I sit?"

Celia nodded and tried once again to rise to her feet.

"No, Celia, don't strain yourself. Shouldn't you be in bed? Is there something I can get for you?"

"No thank you, Louise. You've all been so kind to me. I'll be on my way tomorrow."

"You're just as stubborn as the Kid," Lou smiled, "how on earth do you survive each other?" As soon as she'd said it she regretted the words. Celia's face was blank. "I didn't mean it like that Celia, I'm sorry. You're just so alike. I never thought I'd meet a person as stubborn as the Kid but you've proven me wrong." Looking into the woman's eyes Lou saw recognition hidden deep within, the twinkle of a protest emerging before she diverted her gaze to the floor. Kid had been right, he knew this woman. Maybe he was able to understand her better than he'd understood anybody because they were so alike?

"Kid told me he thinks you remember but you're trying to hide it. Why Celia? What's wrong with remembering?"

Celia looked at her and that sharp intelligence shone trough before it was pushed back and hidden behind veils again. That brief penetrating stare had Lou hesitate for a while. Was she doing the right thing confronting her? Had she even the right? The eyes had turned harder and more void at her last statement, like a curtain shadowing the stage and what was going on back there. The backstage that held so many dramas, more than were even seen on the stage where everything was planned so carefully and acted out with utmost control. The dramatic acts that always had a beginning and an end, with the stage as the safety platform. Behind those curtains lay the true life the actors only represented on the exposed stage. And Celia was becoming the perfect actress, showing only what was allowed, leaving the unwanted dramas behind those curtains. Closing the spectators out from her life completely. Lou knew Celia was doing what she had been trying to accomplish from the day Jimmy left her until only a few days ago when she finally let go of the petrifying denial. She was trying to hide from life and act out a controlled scene, directed by what she thought was the the truth.

"You're wrong Celia, he wants you and nobody else. Knowing him the way you do, you must know that too? So why Celia, why are you hurting him like this?" A flicker of something Lou couldn't identify flashed in the eyes. "Celia, don't hurt him like this. Let him know you love him, he needs to know. Just like you know how much he loves you."

"I don't understand what your talking about," Celia protested harshly. "I don't know any of you. You keep feeding me these lies and ..."

"How do you know they're lies if you can't remember?"

"I just know Louise, all's been a lie."

"No Celia, the only one lying here is you. And you're lying to yourself. Even if you can't remember, you still can feel can't you? And I know you can see that Kid loves you. Don't be afraid, he's not gonna stop loving you. He stopped lovin' me cause I did him wrong, I betrayed him and lied to him, treated him like dirt. But that don't mean nothing to him now that he's found you. He's not gonna stop loving you."

Celia swallowed and looked away. "You say Noah is my son but I couldn't remember his name when I first saw him. I didn't even _know_ his name when I first saw him. And the girls...I didn't even know I had girls. What kind of a mother is that?"

"Give it time, Celia, it'll come back to you."

"Louise, those children need somebody that can take care of them. Somebody that ..." Her voice trailed off as she leaned back to rest onto the back of the chair and exhaled jerkily.

"Somebody that what, Celia?"

"Somebody that's worthy of them."

Lou blinked confused as Celia mumbled the words. Then she understood that her childhood was haunting her and that the trust she had lost was the one in herself. Her history had given her mistrust and abandon to carry, like deep eternally bleeding wounds. Those wounds that never quite healed even though you learned to live with them. The one person Celia was not trusting right now was herself and Lou knew that building that trust took a strong foundation, one that Celia lacked.   
"I'm sorry Celia, I'm sorry they abandoned you but Kid would never do a thing like that."

"No of course not, he'd keep me around coz' he pities me. Wonderful."

Lou had to smile. Oh yes, they were exactly the same. Pride over logic.

"When did the rat tell you?" Celia moaned as she struggled to get out of the chair. "He had no right whatsoever." With gritted teeth Celia gripped the edge of the armrests and eased herself up. "It's goddamned high time I get out of here!"

"Celia, Kid didn't tell me, Rachel did."

"Surrounded by friends," Celia remarked bitterly as she tried to step around Lou and get out of the room. Lou noticed sweat form on her brow and hurried to steady her. "Celia, please get back to bed. Kid'll kill me for this!"

"Not if I kill'm first," Celia wheezed.

"What the hell is goin' on?" Kid asked from the door.

"You rat!" Celia hissed and Lou put her arms around her and tried to steady her.

"What?" Kid was approaching tentatively, the rage emanating from Celia's eyes stopped him from running to her. "Goddamn it Lou, what you do to her?"

"Celia," Lou begged, "sit down!"

The only response she got was fiercer struggling and a low wheezing growl.

"Let go of her," Kid said in a low voice, "let go of her so she can calm down. If you corner her, she'll just try something that'll worsen the injuries."

"I'm not incapacitated you fool, not remembering doesn't mean not understanding." Celia growled.

Kid looked at Lou over her shoulder, nodding encouragingly at Lou to do what he asked.

Lou was afraid to let go, she'd never seen Celia this angry before. Swaying slightly, she sounded ready to swing herself out of the window just to get away. Looking in Kid's direction Lou made a sign for him to back off.

But Kid didn't back off. Slowly he came closer and Lou felt the anger rise in the woman she was steadying. Lou knew this anger and she knew that leaving Celia alone would probably be the best course of action. When she herself got this mad, it was better people stayed clear of her and she gathered it was the same with Celia.   
"Kid please," Lou begged.

"I'm right ain't I?" Kid asked huskily, his eyes smiling softly. "Right now you wanna run away and hide. But you can't Celia, you're too hurt. It's time to face those demons."

"I've faced enough demons, thank you!" Celia hissed and Lou rolled her eyes at Kid's stupidity. Didn't he know what she had been through? What a perfectly stupid thing to say!

"And you survived angel, you faced far more dangerous demons than those inside and you still survived. Now tell those inside to step aside too. You don't need them anymore, you proved them wrong. You're worthy of living Celia, always was. The only one that refuses to see that is you, Celia. Those demons won't let you see the truth. Angel, please let'em go. Tell'em to go!"

"I never needed them."

"You needed them to remember to never trust again Celia, you needed those demons as shields. And now those walls are cracking coz' something happened when you faced those men, didn't it? Somebody was there for you even thou' you never thought they would. The walls didn't work did they? You had to put your trust into that man and he didn't betray you. The demon's inside were wrong, weren't they? You weren't alone angel, and you're not alone now."

"Shut up!"

"He helped you didn't he? He saved your life and steered us to you."

Lou watched the two, Kid had arrived to stand right in front of Celia and Lou could feel Celia's body starting to shiver. She had no idea what they were talking about, it seemed like some code that only they understood. When Kid reached out a hand to take Celia into his embrace, Lou carefully let go.

With tears in his eyes Kid enfolded the woman in his arms and Lou turned to walk out of the room and leave them alone. She turned so that they wouldn't see her tears, she would have given anything to have Jimmy put his arms around her. She met Rachel's worried face as she stepped out of the room. Lou smiled and nodded, they'd be alright. She had seen that in Kid's eyes. He'd make things right again.

 

 

Kid held on to the trembling form in his embrace. For the longest time he just stood there, holding her, fighting his own tears. Afraid to hold her tight and hurt her, he enfolded his arms around her waist and leaned slightly backwards to take her weight off her feet.   
"I love you angel and I love because you're so nuts. I love you because you see things that others don't and I love you for what you are. It's not just because you're the mother of my children or because you helped me when I needed it the most. I love you because you're you. You know that. Those walls or yours ain't workin' on me either, they never did." He smiled through tears when she hid her face in the crook of his neck.

"You callin' me nuts?" She mumbled to his neck.

"If you don't know I love you, you're worse than I thought," Kid whispered to the golden hair.

"Shut up," she answered but there was no hostility in the voice.

Kid kissed the ear that was peeking out from behind her soft hair. "I'm sorry that this happened to you, Celia. I'd give everything to not ever have had this happening to you. I'm so goddamn sorry it did, I don't know what to say. It must have been hell and I wasn't there. I can't begin to imagine how scared you must have been and how brave you were standing up to those men all alone. Jolene and Hannah told me you saved their lives, angel. Do you know what that means? You can't ever possibly understand how much I love you, there are no words to help me make you understand. And you had to go through it all alone. I wasn't there, can you ever forgive me for that? I didn't mean to abandon you, I just couldn't find you! I'll never let you go angel, never."

Kid felt moist against his neck and freed a hand to touch Celia's cheek. It came away damp from her tears. Then she silently sobbed and Kid cradled her closer. His angel was crying and he had broken through the last wall. In silence he felt her tears trickle down his neck, mixing with his own as they ran down his face. But his were of joy, his angel had finally trusted him enough to cry in his arms. No 'I love you's' would ever replace this simple action of complete trust. Her tears told him more than words ever would. He lifted her up in his lap and sank into the chair, holding her to his heart. He sensed he was holding a small vulnerable child, scared for her life, as she let out all the pain and fear. The pain and fear she had been hiding deep inside all these years. All he could do right now was hold her and never let go until she was ready. Her hand gripped the fabric of his shirt hard and while the sound of her tears ripped his heart to pieces, he welcomed them as redeemers. She was safe with him and that was all he had ever asked for. His angel was finally home where she belonged, safe enough to let the last wall shielding her, crumble into silent tears. He brushed a tear away with his lips.

"Thank you angel," he whispered and closed his eyes in gratitude.

 

 

Outside the room Rachel hugged Lou affectionately. Her old friend had returned, gone was the air of superiority and scorn. The Lou that she had thought lost was back for good. Louise was radiant by her own, dressed in old clothes the burning fire in her eyes had returned. She had no need to hide behind fancy dresses any longer, Louise herself was enough. Like it had been before.

"Thank you sweetheart," Rachel whispered as she hugged the teary-eyed Lou into her lap. "Thank you."

"No need to be thankin' me, Rachel. She just needed a little push. Jimmy taught me that sometimes confronting reality might be the best course of action. And I understand Celia knows that too, she just momentarily forgot it." Lou turned to look into the room with the pair holding each other silently. Knowing this was the only possible outcome, she still missed the closeness of another human being. The closeness of the one you love giving you the strength to overcome anything. She still missed Jimmy and would forever have that emptiness in her heart. She was finally able to admit she was jealous, not because Kid loved Celia and she wanted him instead. No, she was jealous because they still shared something that she had lost the day Jimmy was murdered. That day closeness had been taken from her and now all she had was memories of yesterday. But at least she had known that kind of love and that possibility wasn't always handed out evenly in life. She had experienced it and Kid had, together with Celia. They were all lucky, lucky beyond belief. When Kid started speaking softly to Celia, Lou found it safer to close the door. With a smile she turned to Rachel.   
"I guess they'll be needing some food later."

Rachel threw her a questioning glance and Lou winked in her direction.

Rachel let out a snort of laughter and dragged Lou to the kitchen. "And Celia accuses me of havin' a dirty mind."

"I wasn't implyin' anything of the kind now, Rachel, was I?"

"Lou!" Rachel groaned, "you're just like her, twistin' everything I say into somethin' completely different."

"You ever hear about how hedgehogs..."

"Lou," Rachel whined, "don't say it!"

"Rachel, you do have a dirty mind."

Rachel cast a desperate glance on Lou, understanding she had walked right into that one once again. Lou started giggling helplessly at Rachel's guilty face. Trying to gather her composure, Rachel put on a totally emotionless face that started crackling from the corners of her mouth that were twitching beyond her control. Seeing Lou sink down on a chair and lean over the table, laughing helplessly, Rachel finally gave in. She couldn't stop the laughter bubbling up from inside her, pushing away all the tension she had harbored. Two hedgehogs flirting shamelessly with one another danced before her eyes and she sank to the floor with a very immature schoolgirl-like giggle.

"Careful Rachel, careful," Lou hiccuped.

Rachel keeled over.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mild adult overtones.

Lou was nervous, nervous like a schoolgirl. Why on earth had she let herself be talked into this? She threw a glance at the woman at her side, marveling at her capability of talking people into anything. She had never done anything like this before, she had no idea what so ever how to do this. Was she really cut out to do this?

"Lou, you won't have to do this if you don't like it. Just try it out for a while."

"Celia, it's just that I've never even thought about doing something like this. It never even entered my mind."

Celia laughed. "Oh Lou, if you only knew how many times I've found myself in that same situation. Wondering what the hell exactly I was doing right there and then. More times that I can count." The woman smiled at her and Lou recognized that warmth and openness that soothed her nerves. Celia understood, she sensed that.

"Life deals you all kinds of different cards, event the smaller ones can save the hand."

Lou had to smile at her analogy. "Never knew you were a poker-player."

"I'm not, I'd be robbed blind if I ever tried. But I see a good card every once in a while. Never was any good at playing them thou'. But don't think I'm doin' this to save you or anything, I really need the help."

"But handling the newspaper, writing things, Celia I don't know if I'm cut out for it."

"I had no idea either when I took the thing over. But I had good teachers. Samuel is old but he knows everything there is to know about newspapers, printing and everything else there is to know. You'll learn as you go along. I did."

"I guess you're right."

"Just stay for a while, if you don't like it, I'll find somebody else. Mind you, it won't be easy to find somebody I'd trust, but I'll try."

Lou turned to the woman walking at her side. She would never understand how Celia would trust her, why she would help her find a respectable job and a house she could afford. Why would she do all this for her? "Celia it's just too much..."

"Lou" Celia groaned, "we've been through this. I need your help and I trust you'll do the best job. There's nothing else to it. I swear!"

"I just can't help feelin' I owe you so much, so incredibly much that I won't be able to repay you. Ever."

"Don't worry 'bout repayin'. Not having to get up at 5 in the morning to get the paper to bed is payment enough. And just wait 'til Luke gets mad at setting the thing and starts throwing all those tiny tiny letters around and you have to crawl around looking for them while trying to placate him. I tell you, do that for me and I'll be in debt forever." Celia grinned. "I just hope you'll have a better influence on him than I have. He really freaks out sometimes."

"Oh God," Lou sighed, "I don't know...."

"Don't worry, that happens only once a year," Celia laughed.

Celia turned to walk to the printing office. Lou extended a hand to stop her.

"Celia, just...thanks. After all that happened...you know. Me and Kid and everything. You know."

"I know Lou, I would have done exactly the same."

"No you wouldn't," Lou giggled and hooked her arm around Celia's. Never would she have expected to become friends with Kid's wife! Close friends. But Jimmy would be proud of her. She was making a new life for herself and their daughter. She was becoming an editor at the local newspaper. With Celia's help. Life hadn't ended, it had only changed course.

Celia stopped before the door to the office. "Welcome to hell," she smirked as she opened the squeaky door.

"Celia!" Lou panted, the nerves promptly acting up again.

"Just wait till next summer when it's around 150 degrees inside and the sound of the printing is driving you out of your mind. You won't be thanking me then, trust me."

"You paint such a rosy picture."

"I'm scaring the livin' daylight outta you so everything that'll happen will seem like nothin'," Celia laughed. "You'll be fine, I promise. Otherwise you can always take up as a wrangler on the homestead."

"No thanks, I think I've had enough riding an' dust for a life time."

"I thought so, " Celia smiled, turning to the men sitting behind desks under the windows, she pushed Louise to stand in front of her. "Gentlemen, meet Louise Hickok, our new editor of the 'Plains Courier'".

Lou took a deep breath and smiled at the men saluting her. She was going to do this!

 

 

Matthew lifted his glass and toasted to new beginnings. Lou smiled and remembered the first day in Rock Creek, nearly four months ago. So much had changed, she felt she had a totally new life ahead of her, once again. She still missed Jimmy with her whole heart but the sorrow was no longer blinding her. It accompanied her, yes, every step of the way, but it no longer suffocated her. Raising her glass, she let her eyes wander around the table, seeing them all anew.

Jolene, her daughter who diligently studied to get a scholarship to attend a college back east. Working with Doc Schmidt occasionally, growing into a young woman. Lou dreaded the day she would leave already but she had learned one thing; life had to go on.

Matthew, her daughter's mentor and protector.

Hannah, her daughter's best friend, working alongside Jolene to be able to travel with her to see new horizon's and have a learning neither of them, except Matthew, ever had even dreamed about.

Rachel, her long time friend and companion during the hard times they had just encountered. Her confidant who seemed to be acting like matchmaker nowadays. Lou smiled when Rachel blinked in her direction as their glasses met. _Oh Rachel, you're one of a kind,_ Lou giggled to herself.

Will at her side, peering just as teasingly at her as his Ma. She'd have to have a serious conversation with the two of them one of these days!

Kid, leaning over to Celia, putting his carrots onto her plate, Celia smirking in his direction and putting them back. Casting a warning glance in Noah's direction, reminding the Kid of his duties. Gabriel Esaiah O'Day sighed and stuck the fork into the vegetable. Celia hid a broad smile and Lou fought the giggles that were threatening to escape her. Looking at them did not hurt anymore, no she was happy for them both. Truly happy, the love they shared was no longer a threat to her and Kid's friendship, it was the foundation of it. Kid did not judge her, he never had. He had just moved on just like she had, finding a new love. But the friendship was still there, she could turn to him if need be. She knew that now. She was barely aware of the conversation that filled the room, the light banter between Celia and Rachel, Kid and Matthew, the children pitching in a question occasionally. Sarah and Emily squabbling sisterly. A feeling of calm spread through her.

"Louise?"

She was startled at the voice besides her, "I'm sorry?"

Marshal David Dolan looked expectantly at her, obviously awaiting an answer. Seeing her confusion, he smiled at her. His brown eyes twinkling. "I was just wondering if I could have your company at the fair on Sunday? There's this theater company arriving and they're performing in town, I was just wondering if you and the young ladies would care to accompany me to the event?"

Louise blushed, the Marshal had made it his duty to visit Kid and Celia's homestead at least three times a week while Celia was recuperating. It didn't take long until Celia pointed out that his primary interest was Louise. Louise had laughed at the thought. But Marshal Dolan had a way to keep popping up in her life. Glancing around the table, she noticed everybody's eyes resting on her. Celia had that teasing look and Rachel looked triumphant. But Lou was not ready for this, she was not ready to take a step like this. Jimmy still held her heart to tight.

"You ride a palomino, don't you?" Kid asked with a smile.

David nodded in his direction, baffled over the question.

Lou wanted to whack the Kid hard, glaring in his direction, she promised him a run for his life when the time was right. Kid chuckled and Celia placed an elbow in his side.

"You like palominos?" David asked, "Coz' there's his friend of mine, he has the most beautiful palomino mare. Maybe you'd like to go ridin'?"

Rachel smile grew even bigger and Will giggled.

"Maybe someday David, maybe. But we'll be glad to accompany you to the fair, won't we girls?"

Hannah and Jolene nodded eagerly, they had already been nagging their respective folks to go. The Marshal played right into their hands, they would not miss an event like this for the world.

"It's settled then, pick you up around noon?"

Louise nodded as Emily whined that she too wanted to go. Louise smiled as Celia ruffled the girl's hair and promised her they'd all go. Noah slid down from his chair and started running around the table whooping happily at the prospect. They laughed and David bent to stop the boy as he rushed past them. Celia rose to take her son, shaking her head in desperation, she put him in his father's lap. Kid threatened to eat his dessert if he didn't stay still. Noah turned and picked up a carrot from the plate and offered it to his father.

Louise wiped her tears at Noah's perfect retaliation.

 

As evening turned into night Louise remain seated in the chair by the window, looking at the empty street in the outskirts of town. The clock on the mantelpiece ticking mercilessly away. Listening to Jolene walking in her room, rearranging her garments for the hundredth time, talking to the puppy Lou knew was following her blindly. The Christmas present Celia had given her daughter. The first Christmas without Jimmy had been hard, so incredibly hard. Staying with Celia and the Kid at their homestead, she had found herself so lonely in the midst of the festivities. Celia now almost fully recuperated from the injuries, Lou had felt it was time for her to move on. If she only had known where to?

When Celia had presented the gift to Jolene, a small ragged puppy, brown-eyed and cuddly, with a huge red ribbon tied around the belly, she had felt tears spring to her eyes and she had to excuse herself and run to her room. Sinking down on her bed and burying her head in the pillow, she cried once again. Jimmy's absence burning in her, sobs wrenching her body as the sorrow seared through her. Celia came in and sat by her side silently while she cried bitterly at memories of earlier Christmases. Without a word Celia had made Lou understand that in some way she understood her pain and her sorrow and stayed with her until she found her composure again. That night Celia had asked her if she would do her a favor. Lou knew who was doing whom a favor but she gladly accepted. She'd make a try at being the editor of the newspaper. She'd do anything not to lose these friends, with Jimmy gone, she needed them so badly. They all reminded her that life had to go on and she needed that.

A loud thud and a distinct curse from Jolene's room had Lou return from her walk down memory lane. She shook her head at her daughter's late night habits. "Jolene sweetheart, get to bed now!"

"But Ma, I still..."

"Jolene!"

All she heard was muttering and the sound of shoes scraping the floor. More muttering and a deep sigh. Then her daughter finally got to bed.

"Good girl, sleep tight sweetie."

"Night Ma."

She stroke the cat sitting in her lap and smiled. The night was beautiful out here. She sank further back in the chair and let her mind wander. Remembering Celia's worry as she and Kid walked her back to her house with David tagging along. Celia offering to stay there with her. Kid desperate glance at his wife as she spoke the words had Lou chuckling. He stepped closer to Celia and looked at her with hunger and need, an expression Lou remembered so well. The look he gave his wife did not hurt, it had just brought memories of Jimmy back and right then she needed to be alone with those memories. Alone with Jimmy. Telling them sternly go back home and get the children to bed, she smiled at Kid's blushing earlobes. Waving at David, she closed the door on them all.

When the moon seeped in through the curtains, she cuddled herself up in the chair and rested in the memories of yesterday. The fire crackling cozily and warming her. Lou smiled at the thought of all the wood Kid had carried in, having been ordered to chop it by Celia. It would last her at least a month. But Lou had the feeling Kid was rejoicing in the blisters coz' Celia would cure them. He had looked so happy when she took his hands and examined them carefully, putting clean rags on, scolding him softly for overdoing it as they both sat at her kitchen table. The love between them so evident. It was high time she got out of their house, they needed time alone. So did she. Every night she would talk to Jimmy, telling him what had happened. She had the feeling he already knew but she needed the time with the memories of her husband.

Closing her eyes, she imagined Jimmy before her. _Jimmy, you know this David, well don't you worry sweetheart, you're still the first in my heart, you know that. You see, he lost his wife and child in childbirth a couple of years ago too so he knows exactly what I'm feeling. He's just company, nothing else. He's a friend. I know we talked about this and you told me to go on with my life if something happened, but I just can't yet. It was easy to promise you that back then, coz' I thought I'd never lose you. But now that you've gone -. Maybe someday, but not yet, not for a long time. I still love you so much it wouldn't be fair to anybody. I'll just go with him to the fair, maybe invite him for a coffee. Talk about you. I still do that, you know and David listens, he's told me about his wife too. It's nice to have somebody that has gone through the same to talk to. He's really a nice man, Jimmy. But still nothing compared to you! I'll be fine, Jimmy. There's Rachel and Matthew helping me out. Celia and Kid looking out for me, Celia gave Jolene a puppy. He won't let her out of his sight, Jimmy. We just can't decide on a name, would you help us?_

She opened her eyes as a soft breeze fluttered through the room and caressed her chin. A peace ran through her body as she looked out the window again. Jimmy would always be at her side, come whatever. He would steer her right and help her make the decisions that needed to be made, he had until now and he would forever. Rising from the chair, she hugged the purring cat in her lap and walked to the bedroom. She knew that in her dreams the memories of yesterday would come back to her. Not as nightmares any longer, but as sweet lingering reminders of what had been. Giving her the strength to meet another day. The love that lived in her heart would be answered in her dreams. Jimmy and sweet memories of yesterday were always with her during the nights.

And Lou relished the comfort.

 

 

Kid sat on the bed watching Celia brush her long hair while staring out the window. There was the moon again and Kid smiled noticing her looking out the window, transfixed by the eerie light. He wondered what she was thinking while she absentmindedly let the brush run through the gold falling down on her shoulders. So deep in thought that she didn't even notice him look at her. Then she let the brush rest and twirled a lock of hair around her index finger, pouting her lips. Kid knew that was the sign of a plan forming.

"Angel?"

She turned to watch him, her eyebrows arched in a question. "Uh huh?"

"Come over here before I freeze to death." Tapping the bed at his side, he smiled at her, wondering how come she didn't feel the cold this January night, standing barefoot on the floor. "Please."

Celia smiled and put the brush on chest of drawers, turning towards him, making him hold his breath as he admired her soft, soundless moves. With a twinkle in her eyes, she walked over to sit on the bed, taking the covers and tucking him in.

"No, that won't do the work." Playfully covering her in the blankets, he pulled her into bed, into his warmth and love. Kissing the top of her head as she fought him. She grunted as she freed herself from the blankets covering her head. "Gabe!"

"Where were you? You seemed miles away!" Scolding her for forgetting him, he wrapped his arms tighter around her.

She turned to look at him, deep concern in the eyes that rested in his. "You think Lou will be alright?"

Kid moaned.

"I mean, it's her first night and all in the new house. Maybe she feels lonely?"

"Lonely? There's Jolene and that dog and a cat, how on earth could she be lonely? Rachel's three houses away! And let's not forget the Marshal."

"But she's still alone, you know what I mean. New place an' all..."

"So what's your plan?"

"I thought maybe I should ride out and check on her, maybe stay with her this first night to see to it she's settled in and all..."

"Would you forget about Lou already, it's bedtime for you, young lady. You'll see her in the morning. I promise you she'll be fine. Me on the other hand..." he paused to see her reaction. Smiling at the twinkle in her eyes.

She kissed his lips and pinched the lobe of his ear tenderly. "I could always call on Margaret..."

Kid silenced her with his lips on hers, her soft hair ticking his chest, driving him out of his mind, making his breath uneven from the emotions unraveling in him. Her light touch sending his heart fluttering. Pulling her closer while losing himself in the kiss, begging her to turn her attention to him. He needed her. Her hands in his hair and her soft laughter at his protesting grunts following her proposal, her fingers caressing him into flaming desire, exploding into his heart. Her kisses fueling his hunger, sending the need throughout his body, mind and soul, into his fingertips as he touched her. There were no words spoken as they expressed their love, none were needed. The movements and the soft sounds of willing abandon telling them both what the other one craved. Kid closed his eyes at the intensity of his love as the angel he held took him, faults and all, and brought him to a place where nothing else existed but love, pulsating through his veins. The kerosene lamp panted and died out but neither of them noticed, the light they needed was found in the eyes of the other as the moonlight enfolded them.

Reaching total unity in the cover of the soft darkness, Kid kissed the tears away from his angel's eyes and knew that the memories of yesterday were no longer haunting her. She smiled blissfully through tears of joy and kissed him till there was no future, no past, only the two of them sharing the moment.

 _She's the one_ was hammering in his heart as his hands held onto hers and he succumbed in her.


End file.
